[revrew]

Week 7 Results:

"Week 7 begins in Cincinnati, where the 0-6 Chaps are killing time until they can draft again with the #1 spot. Don't be surprised if a couple of years of drafting at the top doesn't send the Chaps up the ladder quickly. But until then...3-3 Milwaukee pulled up the banquet table to feast on the Chaps.

At the start of the game, however, it looked like Cinci was going to put up a fight. Milwaukee's blah DT duo, Godzilla and Sampson were clearly no match for CN OGs Stinkoman and So and So. Thougth Milwaukee's linebackers slowed down the works, Cinci opened the game with an 80-yard drive, topped off with a HB Bubs TD plunge.

Milwaukee then turned the ball over as CN CB The Blacksmith picked off a MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. pass. This time, CN FB Pom Pom followed OG Stinkoman in for the TD, and Cinci built a 14-0 lead.

But that was the end for the chaps. Milwaukee's Ricky 'The Answer' Williams streaked a 64-yard TD run, and the tide turned.

A MW DE Rocky sack slowed down the Chaps, and MW ate up the clock with their usual punishing ground attack. Cinci barely had any time to hold the ball the rest of the game as Bulldozer and Ricky Williams combined for 298 yards rushing and 4 TDs. Milwaukee, 28-14."

*****
"While we're talking expansion clubs, let's move to El Paso, where the 3-3 Busters take on intrastate rivals, the undefeated San Antonio Margaritas. Who's got the D, now?

Give it up to San Antonio, who shut the lights out in El Paso. EP OT Gustav Gustavson had no answer for SA DE Ray O. Light, and WR Yatil Green got completely shut down by SA safety Godzilla Blitz. With half the offense taken away, and the other half playing against men-among-boys like DE All Pro and MLB Ray Lewis, the formerly potent El Paso O looked desperately impotent.

The San Antonio offense, however, showed some struggles of their own as EP DE Aundray Bruce logged a couple of sacks and Safety Patrick Bates took in an INT. San Antonio's M&M boys didn't find the usual cushy middle, as DT Danny Noonan and MLB Brian Bosworth bottled things up inside.

In the end, however, El Paso gave up too much field position as the offense sputtered again and again. Mutt and Metalhead each punched in a score, and it would be all San Antonio needed. SA, 14-0."

*****
"And speaking of shutouts, pity poor Fargo (1-5), who ran into a buzz-saw in the red-hot L.A. Stars (5-1). In the last 3 games, L.A. has outscored their opponents 91-14, and the trend continued.

Fargo often relies on FB Ty Wick to make the hole for HB Glutton for Punishment, but LA MLB Brad Pitt shed Wick like water off a duck's back, and the Pitt-bull showed shades of last year, piling up 18 tackles. Then Fargo went to Glutton off-tackle Stud, but LA DE Toby McGwire kept containment, and Brad Pitt finished things off on the outside, too.

Meanwhile, the LA offense poured on the yards and ate up the clock. QB Bernie Mac had his fourth great showing in a row, completing 72% of his passes and tossing 2 TDs. Rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield knocked in two more scores, and LA rolls easily, 28-0. Thus, in 4 games, LA has outscored their opponents by over 100 points!"

*****
"So far Little Rock (1-5) has struggled, beating only Cinci, even though Rajah Saleem has excelled. It looked like trouble again for the Willies as they faced Birmingham (3-3).

Behind their solid offensive line, Birmingham's Artemis broke through and tore up Little Rock's weak linebacking corps. On the day, Artemis rushed for 101 and 2 TDs. In the first quarter, it appeared that the passing game would open up as well, as BH QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Revrew on a 5-yard slant turned 24-yard TD.

But in the second, young LR DT Henry Blitzen discovered how to use his speed against ancient BH OG Dionysus. Blitzen recorded 2 sacks and 2 tackled for a loss in the second quarter alone.

When LR DE L.L.JeeerD started to pressure 'ZR' further, Birmingham was limited to the run.

The inability to stretch out big yardage put Rajah Saleem entirely too close to the endzone. Though Birmingham's stellar defensive line put the brakes on Rajah putting up the usually spectacular yardage, they couldn't keep him out of the endzone.

A brilliant block by veteran WR Stuart Rembert freed Rajah to get around the corner one last time, and at the end of 4, the score was tied, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Rookie Olympian Uranus got his first taste of action against the league's oldest kicker, Little Rock's Mr. Ed. The competition: tug-of-war. But not just between the kickers. Each kicker was given 10 minutes to run through the stands and select as many as 5 men and 5 women to join them on the line, in a tug-of-war for all the marbles.

Uranus made a good find in pulling out a 300-lb man out of the 3rd row, but his eye for the ladies was a litte more guided by beauty than by brawn. Mr. Ed came to the line with 5 women that looked like they came right out of a steel mill, and the contest was on!

Uranus' anchor made it a tough line to pull, but in the end, Mr. Ed's eye for the big, bad mommas moved the mountain. Uranus got yanked (don't say that too fast), and Little Rock pulls (literally) the upset, 24-21."

*****
"Could the Windy City Eagles (1-5) regain some form in the rainy city? Or would Portland (3-3) make it 3 in a row?

Throughout the game, the ZFL's best pulling guard, Tom Sanders, paved the way for FB Josh Hackenstein and Randy Steele to get outside and get down the field in a quick hurry. PT OLB Zoinks McAllister got caught out of position more often than a boxer's nose as Randy Steele put up 133 yards and 3 scores on the day.

But there were other problems afoot. Not even Tom Sanders could punch a hole in Portland's "Military Middle." DTs Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto, backed up by Sectoid Commander, put up a brick wall. Chicago was stopped on no fewer than five 4th and shorts, allowing Portland's offense to go to work.

The Sea Biscuits made a mockery of the once-great Chicago D, as WR Manfred von Richtofen caught 2 TDs and ran for a 3rd. The ManChild made Deniable Cook look just silly, and aging Chicago star, safety Ajimba Haad, was no match for young Khan Ogadai. Portland's Paddy O' put up 327 yards as Portland puts away the Eagles, 35-21."

*****
"Knoxville: 5-1
Albuquerque: 5-1
The Winner: Still in it.
The Loser: On the outside looking in.
The defenses in this game: Nonexistent.

A big star in this game was Knoxville's WR Jackson 'JJ' Jackson. The ZFL's all-time leading receiver absolutely lit up AQ CB Herschel 'Hey Hey' Krustofsky, catching 15-201-3. Meanwhile, HB Leon Jackson followed OG Fort Sumter for consistent gains all afternoon.

For Albuquerque, Sizzlack found favorite WR The Cheat fairly well blanketed by young KX CB Deion Jackson, but not so homerun hitter, WR Quagmire. The 'Q' only caught 6 passes, but they were for 182 yards and 2 scores. HB Guy Incognito alos caught a score and ran a score, pushing AQ up to 28.

But while the Isotopes thrived on the big play, Knoxville kept consistent pressure on and nearly doubled Albuquerque's total first downs. Bending, bending, bending the reed finally caused it to break, and in the fourth quarter, with the score tied at 28, Albuquerque couldn't stop Knoxville from marching 83 yards for the winning TD. KX, 35-28."

*****
Commish's recap:
"San Antonio continues to roll, but can anyone slow down the L.A. freight train? L.A. vs. San Antonio in week 9. But first, week 8. Might El Paso catch LA looking ahead to the following week?

We've got 4 teams bunched at the top, 4 in the middle at 3-4 or 4-3, and 4 fighting at the bottom. The ZFL seems to be in a clear caste system this year. Don't look for that to change next week as the top tier takes on the bottom.

Good games next week? Fox is broadcasting Little Rock vs. Fargo, and ESPN has MW vs. BH. Still...I wonder if LA will keep it up against the Busters?"