[revrew]

Week 5 Results:

"Week 5 begins with Portland (1-3) hosting El Paso (2-2) in a game likely to have draft implications, if nothing else.

El Paso began their drive testing Portland's run defense. But FB Rashaan Salaam found PT DT duo Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto to be a stone wall in the middle. With MLB Sectoid Commander playing a solid game, El Paso's ground attack sputtered.

For Portland, the young but stellar offensive line opened up huge holes. HBs Antonio De La Tonio and Ron Dayne punched through the line of scrimmage ... but rarely got much further. The Buster bashin' 'backer brothers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts put the brakes on the Biscuit attack, and no Portland runner topped 6 yards on any single carry this afternoon.

While Portland's Ron Dayne did manage a TD score, the end result would be determined in the air. El Paso's QB Ryan Leaf found protection behind outstanding rookie, OT Billy Milner, and spread the ball well to WR Yatil Green (7-84), HB Ki-Jana Carter (6-45-1), and WR Rae 'I'm innocent!' Carruth (9-112-1).

But Portland's QB Paddy O' terrorized young EP CB Bryant Westbrook by hitting his two fantastic wideouts, Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai. ManChild Richthofen caught 13-159-1 while Ogadai hauled in 9-101-1.

The TD pass to Richthofen in the fourth proved the decisive score as Portland wins, 21-14."

*****
"In Little Rock, the struggling Willies (1-3) faced another of the league's best teams and best defenses in the Los Angeles Stars (3-1).

Unfortunately for the Willies, the Stars played like champions today, dominating in every aspect of the game. Little Rock's Rajah Saleem put up a score, and young DT Henry Blitzen played a fine game, bottling up the middle, but other than that, all the highlights belong to L.A.

No suprise that safety Ray Liotta, CB Paul Sorvino, and DE Toby McGwire put a stranglehold on Little Rock's passing game. And with Brad Pitt to keep Saleem in check, the L.A. defense was in top form.

But the big surprise was the Stars' increased offense, especially as the team learns to rely on their star bookends, OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. Rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield found room to run off tackle, totalling an eye-popping 167 and 2 TDs. (The ZFL's more open running game and tendency toward allowing big runs of 15 yards or more is really catching on with football fans. Today's backs, Rajah Saleem and Rodney Dangerfield, are happy to provide that kind of entertainment.) And with the running game in full force, QB Bernie Mac enjoyed a second straight solid outing, tossing TD strikes to both rookie WR Ashton Kucher and WR Joe Pesci.

L.A. puts up another statement game, downing LR, 28-7."

*****
"The Milwaukee (2-2) vs. Fargo (1-3) matchup matched a big runner--Fargo's Glutton for Punishment--against more of the same, MW's Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer.

Fargo's Glutton looked like a dog on a leash, strainging with the power to run free. But Fargo's aging O-line was not match for Milwaukee's linebacking corps (Zach Thomas and all-star Superman), who burst through any blocking scheme to collar the Crawfish's workhorse. Unfortunately for FG QB Killer, OT Harold "Slim" Stockwell looked like a revolving door against Milwaukee's star DE Rocky, who piled up 4 sacks all by his lonesome.

Milwaukee's game was a fair amount of same-old-same-old. Bulldozer up the middle for 6. Ricky off tackle for 7. Bulldozer for 5, Ricky for 4, Bulldozer for the first down. And good luck stopping them! Rookie QB Dan Marino, Jr. struggled a bit on the day, but still managed 200 yards.

In the end, the Muscle Men lived up to their name (at least in the running game), flexing it against Fargo, winning, 21-7."

*****
"Could the former champs (2-2 Birmingham) slow down Albuquerque (4-0) and the Sizzlack Express?

BH Safety Odyssues used his unusual speed to blanket the flashy AQ WR Quagmire, but BH CB Hades couldn't keep pace with the shifty WR The Cheat. Fearing Birmingham's fierce defensive ends, Atlantis and Another Atlantis, Sizzlack rifled the ball on short outs, slants, and buttonhooks to his favorite target. The Cheat hauled in 17 catches (a ZFL record), for 164 yards and 2 scores. Sizzlack to Cheat kept the drives alive, and AQ HB Guy Incognito drove for positive yards behind AQ's dominating OT Ralph 'Gig 'em' Wiggum. Wiggum played the best game of his career, manhandling Birmingham's dominant defensive line.

Birmingham took advantage of some weakness in Albuquerque's middle, driving HB Artemis behind OG studs Dionysus and Another Troy, but it wouldn't be enough to stop Sizzlack, The Cheat, and Wiggum. Albuquerque plays championship ball to beat Birmingham, 28-14."

*****
"Cinci (0-4) to take on the champs (the 0-4 Eagles). Somebody has to get a win, leaving the other as the last winless squad.

In the end, it was Cinci's weaknesses that cost them the game. DT Eh, Steve! and MLB Homeschool Winner were pushed aside like tissuepaper by the mighty CH OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein. With a huge hole in the middle, CH HB Randy Steele looked like last year's champ, tearing it open for 179 yards and 4, count 'em, 4 TDs.

Cinci's OGs Stinkoman and rookie So and So, however, dished out some damage themselves against Chicago's ancient defense, allowing HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom to pour in 3 TDs of their own. But Cinci QB James Earl Jones tossed a pair of INTs, and the defensive holes proved too costly. Shore up those holes, and it might have been a different game. But as it is, Chicago takes it, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of lasts, with Knoxville (4-0) in Margaritaville (4-0), the winner would join Albuquerque as the last of the undefeateds. The loser would get to join L.A. in the hunter's bracket.

The game itself was one for the ages. San Antonio broke out the M&M boys, determined to keep the ball away from the dangerous Redneck offense. The Margarita defense (who had yet to give up a point) played a solid, bend but don't break scheme that relied on MLB Ray Lewis to control the damage.

For Knoxville, the strategy was to attack the rookies and youngsters. DT Aragorn and DE Ray O. Light were subjected to heavy blows from OG Fort Sumter Jackson and FB Samuel Jackson. With an established ground game, Knoxville hoped to fool young SA safety Godzilla Blitz with play action. Would this be the strategy to knock off the Margarita D?

San Antonio's plan worked well as FB Metalhead blew up KX MLB Tucker Jackson, allowing HB Mutt to pick up the yards. Mutt topped 100 on the day and punched in 3 scores.

But Knoxville's DT Josiah Jackson also targeted a youngster, SA OG Pancake. The middle pressure kept QB Handoff King from seeing a clear lane, and an INT by rookie CB Dieon Jackson put the brakes on the Margarita air attack.

In the second quarter, the Margarita defense was finally broken. After pounding on the ground for several first downs, KX WR Jackson Jackson got behind SA CB Deflector and hauled in the TD.

JJ got another TD in the third, and HB Leon Jackson spun free from SA OLB Quick n' Mean's grasp, adding a third TD in the fourth.

At the gun, it was 21-21. Bring on the kickers! San Antonio's Eater of Sandwiches sat down with a transparent green visor to glare at Knoxville's Eli Manning for a game of blackjack. Cameras installed under the table looking up through plated glass gave the audience full view of the cards as a ZFL referee played house-rule, 17-hold, and each kicker was given $100 in a $5 ante, 12-minute overtime game of blackjack. Winner was the one with the most dough, or last to go broke.

Eli Manning has won a pair of overtimes for Knoxville this season, and he started out strong when he split a pair of Kings and came down with one winner and a blackjack. But a couple of busts around the 10-minute mark left him reeling. Eater of Sandwiches, at the 11:15 mark, doubled a $25 bet on a held 12, drew an 8, and made good with 20. On the last hand, with Eater at $115 and Manning at $125, bets were placed. Manning wagered $5, looking to preserve a win. But the crowd gasped as Eater put down the whole $115 in an all-or-nothing move to take the game. Eli drew to a held 20. Eater drew to a held 18. If the dealer drew to a held 17 or busted, Eater would win. Anything else, and it's Eli's game. The dealer had a Queen exposed. He turned over a 4. The crowd first buzzed, then hushed, as the ZFL official drew a card. He turned it over...and the crowd goes nuts! He drew a ..."