[revrew]

Week 3 results

"Week 3 saw ties, upsets, and shockers. Pundits and predictors, from Connecticut to Montana watched agape as today's results poured in.

But before we get there, let's review the week's only blowout as expansion blues Cincinnati (0-2) visited the powerful offensive line in Portland (0-2).

OG Erik Flamebeard and OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro led the charge as Antonio De La Tonio continued his impressive (what some think will be his) "farewell tour". The horse piled up 169 yards and 3 TDs, primarily by bowling over Cinci's inept MLB, Homeschool Winner. Portland held the ball for 33 of the game's 48 minutes.

Cinci showed no slowing Portland's dynamite receiving duo either, as Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai each topped 100. Rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister joined the scoring by jumping on a pass to the flat and streaking 54 yards back the other way for a score.

Big win for Portland, 42-7."

*****
"The league's best two defensive lines faced eachother in what was sure to be a defensive battle. Birmingham (1-1) faced San Antonio (2-0), in a contest where the name of the game was field position.

Any Margarita attempts at deep passing were quickly stuffed by Birmingham's DEs Atlantis and Antoher Atlantis. OLB Arkantos patrolled the flat, Adysseus patrolled the middle, and San Antonio's Handoff King managed a pitiful 8-18-101.

But Birmingham's Zeus Reloaded was terrorized by SA DE All Pro, who ate rookie OT Cronus for lunch. ZR was held to an equally pitiful 6-15-82.

Instead, the two squads teed off on the line. SA-OG Lone Star vs. BH DT Maximillionn Powers. BH-OG Dionysus vs. SA-DT Sack U. Powercrunching up front. Fullbacks Hephaestus and Metalhead got a workout trying to make room for the Halfbacks. Without punting or special teams in the ZFL, the two squads ran back and forth across midfield like two tug-of-war squads.

The rugby scrum shifted San Antonio's way in the first, as the Margaritas finally scored on the collective 9th possession of the game.

In the second half, the outstanding Margarita O-line kept up the assault and slowly began pushing Birmingham backwards. On fourth and goal from the 2, Metalhead and Mutt followed veteran OT Not Quite As Chunky into a wave of Olympian jerseys. When the bodies were pulled out, San Antonio managed their second (and the final) score of the day. San Antonio wins the tug-of-war, 14-0."

*****
"We had three ties this week, and perhaps no one was ready for one of those to come when Chicago (0-2) visited Fargo (0-2).

Chicago, it appeared, thought they could wear down the Crawfish with the usual, steady diet of a well-balanced offense. But Fargo's CB F.Swaggs brushed off last season's injury and put the glove on aging Eagle vet WR, Jet. Mike 'Air' Marino had a hard time finding receivers open, especially with FG DT The Defense blocking his field of vision. In the early going, it was several 4-and-overs for the champs.

Fargo, meanwhile, took advantage of Chicago's three old men and a rookie on the outside, sending HB Glutton for Punishment off tackle Stud. At the half, Glutton had followed former Eagle, FB Ty Wick for 82 yards and 2 scores. Fargo, 14-0.

But in the second half, Chicago abandoned the air attack, and ground back into it on the ground. Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein began "hacking" up the Fargo defense, and each back contributed a score to tie it up.

Fargo managed to get one pass away to the young but butterfingered WR Tarek, setting up a go ahead TD by Ty Wick.

On the last drive of the game, Chicago gasped into overtime with a Randy Steele sweep behind the pulling master, OG Tom Sanders. Bring on the kickers!

Here Chicago's Little Foot was clearly outmatched by Fargo's fleet-footed acrobatic ace, Xsquared. Each kicker was set upon a zipline that extended from upper deck to upper deck. And as they "zipped" back and forth, they were supposed to fire footballs into the back of a pickup truck (hey, don't balk. Chevy paid the ZFL big money for the advertising). Fargo's Xsquared looked right at home on the high wire, tossing 7 pigskins into the pickup. Little Foot barely managed 2. In a colossal upset, Fargo takes away the win, 24-21!"

*****
"There's upset number one. But we ain't done. Moving on to Albuquerque, where the 2-0 Isotopes faced off against the 2-0 L.A. Stars.

As expected, the Star Crunch put the brakes on Albuquerque's running game. MLB Brad Pitt destroyed any running back that dared punch through the lilne, and safety Ray Liotta punished any attempt at moving outside.

Meanwhile, the L.A. running attack picked up some steam as rookie RB Rodney Dangerfield garnered an excellent day, rushing for 3 digits and 2 scores.

But AQ QB Moe Sizzlack is a god. Sizzlack played perhaps his best game ever. Though all-pro OT Ralph Wiggum and solid bookend Groundskeeper Willie kept the Stars at bay fairly well, Sizzlack stood tall in the pocket. Despite being crushed by LA DE Toby 'Spiderman' McGwire and pressured and popped by DE Robert DeNiro, Sizzlack got up to fire again. And Again. And though LA CB Paul Sorvino has consistently been among the league's best, the Sizzlack to Cheat connection proved too in sync. WR The Cheat caught 13 passes, and barn-burner Quagmire hauled in a pair of deep TDs. Sizzlack didn't put up giant numbers, but his accuracy and leadership showed him a giant among boys.

When Quagmire caught a 44-yard TD bomb in the 4th, it was all over. Albuquerque takes the win, 21-14."

*****
"Could Little Rock (0-2) follow the upset trend and take out Milwaukee (0-2)?

Rajah Saleem seemed to think so. Saleem found all the holes in the Milwaukee defense, following OT standout, Keith 'Slap' Slapinski and surprising young OG Rudolphy Rudy for yet another big game. And while MW rookie Patrick Surtain did a good job of scaring LR QB David Slinger away from favorite young target, WR Bruce Spinner, the old veteran Stuart Rembert showed why he's so beloved in Little Rock. Quietly amassing 12 catches for 138 yards and a score, Rembert gave Rajah a one-two punch that kept Milwaukee on their heels.

Milwaukee, however, ate up big chunks of yardage as well. HB Ricky 'The Answer' Williams followed star FB Bulldozer and tore through the Slick Willies' weaker linebacking and secondary crew. Ricky piled up an impressive 180 and 3. Rookie QB Dan Marino Jr. made pops proud with the first TD pass of his career, a 19-yard fade to WR Conan. But with the game on the line, tied 28-28, the Muscle Men needed a TD pass to avoid overtime. Marino dropped back, but young LR DE L.L.JeeberD looped up the middle and sent the game into overtime. Bring on the kickers!

Little Rock brought an old, but crafty veteran, Mr. Ed to center stage, where a billiards table was set up. Best 2 out of three, loser call, 8-ball or 9. Ed called eight, but soon succumbed to the slick-shooting Bruce Handily. 'I played pool all the time back in the day,' said Handily afterwards. 'Mr. Ed was behind the 8-ball from the first break.' After dropping the first match, Mr. Ed called for 9-ball, but Handily took that match, too. There was no third match as Milwaukee's kicker took the tourney and the game, MW 31-28."

*****
"Poor El Paso. 2-0 and host to the Knoxville Rednecks (2-0). But let's not extend the pity too soon. The fact of the matter is, Knoxville's defense is pretty average to poor, and the Busters lead the league in points scored. Hmmmm.....

Despite the rumor that El Paso is a defensive squad, there was no defense played on the field in Texas. QBs Thumbless Jackson and Ryan Leaf lit up the sky with fireworks that haven't been seen in El Paso since Gump Didrickson decided to use dynamite to take down his barn back in '64.

Knoxville struck first with a shot to JJ Jackson. Against the EP rookie, Bryant Westbrook, JJ had a stellar day. 192 and 3 scores for the Knoxville all-star. Young WR Luke Jackson struggled more, blanketed by EP safety Patrick Bates.

But El Paso answered with a well-orchestrated drive, capped off with a FB Rashaan Salaam TD plunge. Salaam would score thrice in the game, twice by ground and one in the air. Meanwhile, young OT Billy Milner showed Knoxville's vet DE Robert E. Jackson that the pup's got skills. If El Paso keeps up this pace, a person has to consider OT Billy Milner as a ROY candidate.

Back the other way, then again, then again, then again. By the time the smoke cleared, the two QBs had thrown for 750 yards combined, and the score was knotted at 35. Bring on the kickers!

For the second week in a row, KX K Eli Manning trotted out to center field. There he would match up against rookie EP kicker Scott 'Missin' Sisson in a no-holds barred rope-climbing match. First, up a 35-foot vertical wall. Then, arm-over-arm across a 20-foot span. Clambor down a rope ladder, and then finish by ascending a knotted rope to a platform where the first to ring the bell wins the match.

The two kickers raced neck and neck up the wall. They reached the top and sprinted to the span. Eli relied mostly on upper body strength, while Sisson turned backwards and used his feet to hold him to the rope. It was a great strategy, and Sisson gained a lead.

But then...on the rope ladder...true to his name, Sisson 'missed' a rung. His feet got tangled up and the crowd suddenly held its breath as it looked like he might fall. He saved his neck, but he lost some precious time. Eli Manning finished the course, and rang the bell just moments before Sisson. Manning and the Rednecks take the way-too-close victory, 38-35."

*****
Commish's recap:
"Good golly, what do we make of this? Has Chicago fallen from the top with perilous plunge? The Eagles are 0-3 with a loss to Fargo. It appears that age has finally toppled the two-time champs. Dan Patrick - you may take your head out of the sand now.

Knoxville, San Antonio, and Albuquerque are our clear favorites at this point. Knoxville looks as though they could falter, Albuquerque's defense is suspect, and San Antonio has zero passing game. Could these potential Achille's heels allow L.A. or Birmingham (or, dare I say, El Paso??) to crawl back in it? There's plenty of time left to find out!

In next week's matchup, Milwaukee can drive the nail in Chicago's coffin, but a loss would do big damage to the Muscle Men's hopes.

Strangely, the hottest matchup may be Albuquerque vs. El Paso. The Buster scoring machine against the unstoppable Moe Sizzlack. Will El Paso keep pace? Or, perhaps we should say, can Sizzlack keep pace?