[revrew]

Week 2 results

"The 0-1 Eagle offense faced a tough team to try to bounce back against when they traveled to Birmingham to take on the 0-1 Olympians. Birmingham boasts perhaps the best d-line in the ZFL, and Chicago's Mike 'Air' Marino wouldn't get a spare second to think as the Olympians kept the pressure on all day.

BH DT Hera continued to smash through the interior, crushing Marino for 3 sacks and several hurries.

But while the passing game was neutralized, the best pulling guard in the game, CH OG Tom Sanders swept outside and cleared a path for HB Randy Steele to turn on the jets. Chicago backs Steele and Hackenstein dished out the damage, keeping the Eagles in it with three scores.

Chicago would need a lot more than that, however, to keep up with Birmingham. Ancient HB Artemis followed equally ancient OG Dionysus and young stud, OG Another Troy for 97 yards and a pair of TDs. Artemis' ground attack opened up the play action, and BH QB Zeus Reloaded played brilliantly. 'ZR' hit favorite target WR Revrew for TD passes of 13, 8, and 41 yards. The Rev finished with 11 catches for 144 yards and 3 scores.

Birmingham clips the Eagles in a battle of former champs, 35-21."

*****
"After being whipped by El Paso last week, Fargo (0-1) was forced to trod into Albuquerque (1-0) to face what seemed certain death.

The game, however, was a closer match than many anticipated. The Isotopes showed some weakness in the middle, and Fargo's HB Glutton for Punishment began slowly piling up the yards and ticking seconds off the clock. First down after first down, Glutton gobbled up 139 yards before the afternoon was over.

But though Fargo put up the numbers, Albuquerque kept pace with two Sizzlack TDs and a TD run by the talented but unheralded HB Guy Incognito. Perhaps a better receiver than runner, Incognito nonetheless has proven a big part of Albuquerque's success. In fact, with the score knotted at 21 all, Incognito turned a 3-yard screen into a 38-yard TD, putting the Isotopes up for good.

After an AQ safety Troy McClure INT, the Isotopes added a garbage score, and Albuquerque wins, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of certain slaugter, you've got to feel bad for Cincinnati (0-1) walking into red hot San Antonio (1-0).

Though he ran well last week, Cinci's HB Bubs ran into a monster in the middle, SA MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis notched 16 tackles, 1 forced fumble, and an INT on the day. Meanwhile, SA DE All Pro picked up a pair of sacks, and San Antonio obliterated another offense for the second week in a row.

While the Cinci O was licking its wounds, San Antonio ate away the clock with the M&M boys, Mutt and Metalhead, following two young OG roadgraders, Lone Star and Pancake.

In the second quarter, exciting WR Primetime burned CN safety Pan Pan for a 72-yard TD streak, and San Antonio wins it easy, 28-0.

Notice that's 2 shutouts and counting for the Margaritas."

*****
"That's it for blowouts, however, as our remaining three games came down to the wire. In Milwaukee, the 0-1 Muscle Men welcomed the 1-0 L.A. Stars.

Brutal. Brutal is the only way to describe the ground battle between Milwaukee's dynamite running duo and L.A.'s trumpeted defense. MW FB Bulldozer exposed the tiring legs of the not-so-ageless wonder, LA DT Ed Norton, and the 'Dozer gave the Muscle Men 14 points. LA isn't used to giving up that many; could they retalliate?

LA HB Rondey Dangerfield attempted running outside off his two great OTs, but Milwaukee's all star DE Rocky and OLB Superman cut down L.A.'s rookie before he could get past the line of scrimmage. Nothing doing.

LA would need some air power to win this game. Rookie WR Ashton Kucher gave it to them. 9 cathes for 155 yards and a TD for the rook. One of his catches set up a ground score, and with the seconds waning down, the contest was tied 14-14.

Rather than forcing rookie QB Dan Marino Jr. to win it in the final seconds through the air, with 75 yards to go against the Star Crunch, Milwaukee hoped to send it into overtime and their all-star kicker, Bruce Handily.

But on the MW 25, as Dan Marino Jr. spun to hand the ball off, a streaking LA MLB Brad Pitt timed the count perfectly and rammed him from behind. Instead of being placed securely in HB Ricky William's gut, the ball was thrust into William's knee, and it careened freely into the air. Just then, a blitzing DE Toby McGwire reached up and plucked the fumble before it hit the ground.

McGwire never looked back. 25 yards into the endzone as the clock expires, and LA saves the game with a last second defensive TD! LA wins the heartstopper, 21-14."

*****
"Speaking of heartstoppers, we go to Portland where the Knoxville Rednecks (1-0) had to face their nemesis, a team that seems to beat them unexplainedly, the 0-1 Sea Biscuits.

Just like last year, the defenses took back seats to two suddenly explosive offenses. Knoxville's 'Thumbless' Jackson walked all over Portland's aging, mediocre secondary, tossing 358 yards and 3 scores. The passing attack set up a pair of ground punches, too, and Knoxville was looking good with 35 points.

Or were they? PT OTs Lothar von Richthofen and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro gave QB Paddy O'Leary all day to shoot the breeze himself. And with wideout Manfred von Richthofen on fire, Portland put up some numbers themselves. Richthofen caught 14 passes for 221 yards and 3 TDs. Suddenly, Portland was right in it.

With all the passing going on, Antonio De La Tonio was happy to trot along behind OG Erik Flamebeard, as the Itallion Stallion galloped for 101 yards and 2 scores.

At the end of regulation, the score was tied, 35-35. Bring on the kickers! Introducing Portland's Bob Sunesson (new to the Sea Biscuit starting lineup) against Knoxville's Eli Manning. The contest? A distance triathalon. Each kicker would throw a football, a baseball, and a paper airplane. The winner in two of three tosses would take home the game for his respective squad.

It was no surprise to see Eli Manning chuck the pigskin better than Bob, but in the paper airplane toss, Bob had the upper hand. It came down to the baseball. Standing at the 50, Bob threw his baseball into the second row of the upper deck. But Eli managed the fourth row, and Knoxville takes home the victory! KX, 38-35."

*****
"Now, El Paso (1-0) looked good last week. But would they have an answer for Little Rock's (0-1) Rajah Saleem?

Nope. Not even the bash backers could stop Rajah, who ran right past the heavy hitters and burst into the secondary for huge gains. Little Rock's QB David Slinger made the most of his running game, tossing for 262. WR Bruce Spinner caught a TD pass from Slinger, as the Slick Willies dished out some damage to the Buster D.

But the Buster offense, which scored 42 last week, stepped it up again. QB Ryan Leaf took to the air with quick passes designed to take advantage of Little Rock's weakness at LB and secondary. Outstanding LR DE L.L.JeeberD never got the chance to dirty Ryan Leaf's jersey as slants and outs piled up the yards. Leaf threw 54 passes, completing 37 of them for 309 yards. The scoring was spread out for El Paso, as Rae Carruth, Yatil Green, Ki-Jana Carter, and Rashaan Salaam all punched it over the plane.

In the fourth quarter, with the score tied at 28, an EP safety Patrick Bates INT gave the Busters the ball back with just a bit too much time. FB Rashaan Salaam punched the ball in, giving the Busters the win, 35-28."

*****
Commish's recap
2 and 0. Big numbers for the ZFL this week. In other words:

Los Angeles: 2 and 0.
Knoxville: 2 and 0.
Albuquerque: 2 and 0.

And how about San Antonio?: 2 wins and 0 points scored against.

Or...El Paso?? 2 and 0.

In fact, El Paso leads the league in points scored. Wasn't this a defensive squad? But then, if you realize that they played Fargo and Little Rock, it seems to make sense. El Paso will likely beat Cinci, too, and that only makes them 3 and 0. There are still 8 other games they have to play.

Speaking of 8, Moe Sizzlack has 8 TDs already. And 800 yards.

It's all in the numbers, baby. Next week? LA vs AQ on ESPN. Will Sizzlack fry the Star Crunch? Or will LA reduce Moe to a Fizzle?

And as for 2 and 0 El Paso...you've got Knoxville next week, boys. Welcome to the big leagues.