[revrew]

Week 1 results

"The kickoff for season 5 of the ZFL began in Title-town, as the mighty Margaritas rolled into Chicago, home of the two-time ZFL champs.

What the game lacked in fireworks, however, it made up for in awesome defensive play. For the Eagles, rookie DE The Answer matched up with San Antonio's rookie OT Alys Liston TwoRev, and the defense won the day. Answer beat Alys around the corner often, and recorded 2.5 sacks.

But when you talk about defensive rookies, you must mention Margarita DT monster, Aragorn. The rookie rolled over Eagle OG Mark Sheet, stuffing Randy Steele in the backfield 3 times. And with DEs All Pro and Ray O.Light on the outside, the best defensive line in all of football blew up the former champs, demolishing the heralded offense. Randy Steele was stopped in the backfield 8 times, was held to fewer than 80 yards rushing, and Mike 'Air' Marino was sacked 5 times.

The Eagle offense went nowhere. Meanwhile, San Antonio wore down the clock with the M&M boys running behind one of the best offensive lines in football, and San Antonio make a BIG statement, pounding the Eagles, 21-0."

*****
"And speaking of big statements, what in the heck has happened in El Paso? The faltering Fargo 'Fish walked into Texas, and left beat up worse than the men guarding the Alamo.

The only offense Fargo managed to muster was Star HB Glutton for Punishment, who tallied 104 yards of combined offense and a score. But as El Paso's bash-backers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts pounded Glutton, he coughed up the ball twice, one fumble recovered in the endzone by Buster DT Danny Noonan. Safety Patrick Bates grabbed a pair of INTs, and Fargo never recovered from the turnover deficit.

Meanwhile, the El Paso offense lit up the sky, scoring 21 points off turnovers to add to Noonan's 7. But even there, they didn't stop. QB Ryan Leaf threw for 330 yards and 3 TDs on the day, including 2 to rookie Rae 'I'm innocent!' Carruth. FB Powerhouse Rashaan Salaam pounded in two more TDs, one behind OG Eugene Chung, and one off rookie tackle Billy Milner.

El Paso opens up the floodgates and drowns the Crawfish, 42-7. Heads up, ZFL!"

*****
"Offense was all over the place in this week's games, but just as San Antonio put the D to Chicago, Los Angeles notched up the D against another former champ, Birmingham.

In fact, this game was all defense. For the Stars, DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire raced around the outside, and Brad Pitt fired up the middle, giving the Stars 6 total sacks. The secondary recorded 2 INTs, and the Birmingham passing game didn't manage 100 yards. League MVP Brad Pitt picked up where he left off, recording 1.5 sacks, 13 tackles, and 2 passes defended. The running game didn't go anywhere for the Olympians either.

But Birmingham brought their defense as well, and before San Antonio brags about having the best defensive line, they had better give some props to Birmingham. L.A.'s QB Bernie Mac was hurried 14 times, sacked 4 times, and thrice did BH DT Hera bat the pass back in Bernie's face. Nothing worked in the air, and there was no running up the middle against the BH DT powerpair, Hera and Maximillion Powers.

In fact, the only notable offense on the day was a well-timed draw as LA OT Freddie Prinze, Jr. sealed off the rushing BH DE Atlantis, freeing rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield to sprint through the gap, spin around aging OLB Arkantos, and streak 34 yards to the endzone. It would be the only score. L.A. 7-0."

*****
"But enough about defense. The Little Rock/Cinci game didn't feature any!

The Chaps had absolutely no answer for Rajah Saleem, as the streaking runner sliced open Cinci for 265 yards and 4 TDs. Fantasy MVP Saleem looks to make his owners deliriously happy again this year. Little Rock timed the play-action well also, and QB David Slinger had an efficient day: 15-21-199-1.

The Little Rock defense, however, struggled to slow down a freight train named Bubs. The Cinci halfback powered behind OGs Stinkoman and #1 draft choice So and So. Little Rock's less than stellar linebackers couldn't wrap up Bubs, and the Cinci back totalled 141 and 2. FB Pom Pom added another.

Other notable performance - former first rounder, LR CB Tommy 'TNT' Toothpick made good in his first start, grabbing an INT and defending a pair of passes.

Cinci showed some spunk, but the day belonged to Rajah. Little Rock wins, 35-21."

******
"Yet let's not crown the fantasy king just yet. Albuquerque's Moe Sizzlack will vie for that title. Against Portland, who is strong up the middle, but weak on the outside and in the secondary, Sizzlack was untouchable.

But first, let's talk Sea Biscuit. Portland's offense had a fair day, as Antonio De La Tonio (quite possibly the oldest HB ever) found enough room behind his stellar offensive line to grab another century game, 112 yards and a score. QB Paddy O played well at first, but had to play too much catchup at the end. Paddy's numbers: 25-48-301-1-2.

Portland's powerful DT duo, Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto put the brakes on Albuquerque's running game. But the Isotopes ran several roll-outs, bootlegs, and even an occasional option play to get to Portland's weak outside. Consequently, Moe Sizzlack threw for 501 yards. Yes. 501. And 4 touchdowns. Who is the fantasy god now?

Albuquerque flashed their MVP candidate, taking out Portland, 28-14."

*****
"ESPN chose to show Knoxville take on Milwaukee. And once again, the offenses flashed some muscle. These two teams seemed to pick up where they left off last year, Milwaukee punishing people with the run and Knoxville givin' the business every which way they can.

For the Rednecks, HB Leon Jackson found lots of room in the middle, waltzing behind OG powerhouse Fort Sumter Jackson and his counterpart, Lee Davis Jackson. Milwaukee's DTs looked helpless to stop the onslaught as Leon ran for 172 yards and a pair. Leon's running also helped the passing game. 'Thumbless' didn't put up big yards, but the play action netted him 3 TDs. JJ had a good day as well, garnering 94 yards and a pair.

But if Milwaukee was helpless to stop the Redneck running, Knoxville looked like the little man on the beach against the Muscle Men's ground game. Milwaukee's Ricky "The Answer" Williams ran off OT No Sacks Allowed and FB Bulldozer powered up the middle, shedding KX MLB Tucker Jackson like water off a duck's back. Both of Milwaukee's power backs topped the century mark, and they totalled 3 scores.

In the battle of rookie CBs, however, Knoxville's Deion Jackson played a better game than MW's Patrick Surtain, and Deion's 2 INTs off MW rookie QB Dan Marino, Jr. helped seal Milwaukee's fate. Knoxville wins, 35-21."