[FrogMan]

and in the line as Not Always Right, I really like Clients From Hell. Some real gems in there...

Client: “Can you have these wireframes done by tomorrow?”
Me: “Possibly. Can you please send me a list of the functionality required for this site?”
Client: “Sure:
Dashboard
Comments/What are you doing?
Inbox / Outbox / Sent Items
Post News
Files Repository
Pictures
Tasks Manager/Reminders (e-mail reminders)
Calendar (Birthdays, Trips)
Work
Play/Hobbies
Dating
Health
Tickets (for friends/families)
News Feed
Contact Info: Mobile/Home/Work, etc.
Employer
Facebook Connect
LinkedIn Connect
See who’s viewing you in real time….
Chat
Settings
Time Zone
Report a Bug/Suggestion
Twitter Connect
Auto-Reply/Auto-Away Message
Family/Friends List (notes/send-email)
Education Profile
Mint.com Aggregator (Financials)
Health/Beauty
Evite.com
Insurance (Auto/Medical/Home/Renter’s, etc)
Weather (Current/Remote)
LogMeIn (Control your other computers)
Repositories (throw anything in here… and create additional folders)
Music (Upload Your Music Files)
Organize Your Documents (scans/passports/etc)
send resumes, etc.
User Names/Password Keys Organizer
Videos: Link, Upload, Share - via YouTube functionality
Bills Due (activate with link/pw’s)
Google/Yahoo/Bing Search
Movies (what did you watch, where did you watch it, how do you rate it 1-10, and tell us why you think it was awesome - in a few sentences…)
PDF Converter
Accounting
Blast Text out to Friends/Families
Antivirus/Malware Scan
Articulize Yourself (write updates on yourself in article format…)
TXT Reminders
Pet Vaccines Schedule/Certificate
Document Sharing
Schedule/Calendar Sharing/Group
Professor Schedule/Office Hours
bus schedule
university changes updates
birthdays / parties of colleagues
Reviews of Books/Txtbooks
Book Auctions/Repository
Online Coupons
local restaurants/bars
RA/Dorm Schedule
Univ. Clubs nearby
sports team
schedules games
exam schedule / midterms
job firms / hiring / research on companies
job hunting / co-op / summer internships
Class Schedule
Student ID#
POP3 Integration
Rent Due
Taxes, etc.
Scoreboards for fav teams
Groups
Work Documents
Travel Schedule
Flight Status/on Time
Carrier Points Programs
Book Clubs/Restaurant Clubs/Groups
Cell Phone List/Contacts
Built-In Dictionary
School Medical Clinic
Games
gym schedule
‘Homework Reminders’, essay reminders
Menstruation tracker so you can see if you’re late for your period”

Business Meeting Subject: New Automation Software.
Client: “I want you to write a software package that will allow us to create client websites automatically. The site needs to allow for multiple upsells after the checkout is complete. And I want to build 5000 a week for clients free and give them away. I need that in 30 days.”
Me: “We can do that but given the complexity of the checkout process, upsell logic (actually lack thereof, every deal was different), and conversion of current clients to the new system we will need at least 90 days to bring this online.”
Client: “I setup a MySpace account and have the frontend ready to go, all you need is to glue the cart to it. Surely you can do that in few days?”
Me: “Myspace?”
Client: “That’s right.”
Me: “And you want a cart in Myspace?”
Client: “You got it…”

Hello, I am looking for a web designer to build a web site for my band. Here is a list of the essential elements, in no particular order:
-Band Bio
-Photos
-Tour schedule
-Email capture form for fans to subscribe to our mailing list
-Booking contact info (phone # and email address)
-Audio/Video page including MP3s (stream + download) and YouTube videos

All of the above content will be provided to you. If you are interested in taking on this project just send me an email with a little info about your web design background. Links to sites you have built in the past are very helpful. We are open to your design/ layout ideas. We don’t need anything fancy; simpler is better. Please also include an estimate of how quickly you can build this site. Thank you.

• Location: Anywhere
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: $50

Instead of designing icons and costing me extra, why don’t you just use the ‘Wingdings’ font?

A manager of a small local corporation came to us with a DVD of a very professionally and well done set of interviews with lots of B-Roll of their building and stock footage of cities that they had received as a promotion from another company.
Him: “We want something just like this: Three 5 minute interviews with [these managers] and I’ll do one ten minute segment at the end.”
Me: “Sounds good. What are you looking at for a budget?”
Him: “We figured about $100.”
Me [Amused]: “So what does that $100 cover?”
Him: “Listen, $100 is pretty good money for a job that shouldn’t take you more than two hours.”
Me: “Two hours?”
Him: “You can’t get this done in two hours?!? Three 5 minute interviews, one 10 minute interview. That’s an hour and a half to get the other stuff in a video and put it on a DVDs!”

Client: “We ran the ad you designed in a magazine and no one bought our product, so we would like a refund on what we paid you and we will be taking our business elsewhere.”
Us: “Maybe the ad didn’t work because you are selling hunting and fishing supplies and you put the ad in a women’s home magazine.”
Client: “That’s because we heard that women make most purchasing decisions in the home. So clearly the problem was with your ad. I’ll be expecting a check.”

FM