[PilotMan]

I am exhausted. Today has been a roller coaster of emotion and raw energy. I came completely unglued this morning before I had even gotten out of bed. I was so angry that I was screaming (at nobody in particular), hyperventilating, crying, kicking out, slamming my hands on the floor. It took a while to calm down, and thankfully the kids didn't find me to see what was going on.

Then over breakfast, we had to have a talk with my 15yr old, who threw the cat at his youngest brother, causing a 4 inch scratch from his nose across his forehead. Impulse control is his issue, and we always seem to have this talk. But he was blowing it off like it wasn't an issue, and I ended up giving him the dressing down of his life. My little boys ran and hid under the covers of my bed, and I used some words that I have never spoken to my kids. ever. Not my proudest moment.

We went to church today, but we probably shouldn't have. We are both still so angry, and although I wanted it to be better, the emotion swings continued. I ended up leaving the service and found myself outside crying.

I have yelled more today than ever before I think. I yelled at the kids because my 8-yr old cleaned up the bathroom, but put wet towels under the sink with clean ones instead of hanging them up. Because I found clean clothes stacked up with dirty clothes to be washed. Typically I wouldn't lose it for such minor things.

We head to the hospital tomorrow morning for her surgery. I am scared. The last one was alright, but I was still scared. We can't heal til it's over, but I really would rather just go back to before we knew all of this. I can't walk by the baby section, I can't think about the maybe's, the what might have been.

The good moments come here and there, and I know that time heals all pain, but I know tomorrow is barreling down on me like a freight train. And it's not going to feel any better than today did.