[PilotMan]

Many of you know that I am the happy father of three wonderful boys. Mrs PM and I had always talked of having a 4th, but we were waiting for the timing to be right. A few years went by and we kept talking about it, but we were getting older too.

January of last year we decided to try again. Our youngest was 5 and we both decided that now was the time, or never. We were older, wiser, and very experienced parents. Things were supposed to be easy, laid back, and we were going to enjoy raising a new baby.

We have never had any trouble getting pregnant, but we have had a couple of miscarriages, but they were very early on. Typically, if we got to the initial appointment we were good.

That wasn't the case last year. The first appointment was abnormal. We ended up at hospital, but they wanted up back in a week. A week of wondering and pain. Next appointment, same, come back in a week. We still don't know. Another week, and finally we got the news that we had been dreading. It wasn't going to be viable. That was July, last year.

It was terrible, brutal, sad, terribly, terribly sad. We were in a funk for a long time. It took months for her body to start cycling again, but we decided to try, just one more time. The chances of it happening again were seriously small.

It took until January of this year for her to get pregnant again. We didn't tell anyone. Not even family members. Not even out kids. We wanted to avoid all of the pain of telling everyone, then having to explain what happened to everyone. It was like opening a fresh wound. We decided to wait extra long before our first appointment. All the signs were there. Everything was going great.

Today was our first appointment. My wife was to be 10 weeks and 5 days today. We were nervous, scared, excited. Thrilled that today had finally come, and ready to celebrate tonight. No. That was not the case. Back to the hospital for another ultrasound, a better look. But we already knew. Tears flowed, a deep hurt welled up, and the fresh pain of realizing what was happening overtook us.

We are done. This is hell. The surgery is scheduled for Monday. It's going to be a long road from here. Thank God, that we have 3 wonderful, beautiful boys to love and hold. But there is always going to be that sadness of the last time we tried.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed a bit of support friends. And please, if you facebook me, do it privately. I would like to keep this off my public page.