[The Afoci]

The Creation of a Crawfish Boy!

[Narrator]

Now that the debt of The Fighting Crawfish is a meager -$144k and a home game coming next week, I figured it was time for you all to find something out. Now as you all have followed me through the trials and tribulations of one boy’s life to create Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws you may wonder what would lead him to want that in the first place. Sure, there were the underground animal fights, the day he lost his virginity and the obvious reasons of Crawfish being the scariest, most deadly animal on the face of the earth. But one thing overall has set The Afoci on his path. On this path for greatness and world domination. It all began weirdly in a semi-truck in Canada.

[Flashback]

The year was 1979. The Afoci’s father was in the early stages of his plans to take over the earth with of all things, The Earthworm. To finance this, his father had taken a risky load on his semi-truck. This load was none other than the US newest top secret weapon. A genetically superior Crawfish. They were faster, smarter and stronger. His journey began just outside of Minneapolis MN. He traveled up Highway 10 and drank much too much beer on his way and had to make a stop in the small town of Hawley MN. After seeing that a Lefse Shop was really his only option as the local bar for some odd reason wasn’t open yet at 9 Am., something that would change, but not quite yet. The Afoci’s dad was a hippie/ladies man. A deadly combination to the panties of all, but mostly humans. Instantly he found himself attracted to a short Lefsemaker and decided to approach her.

His mother was a 19 year-old Lefsemaker. She had grown up only 10 miles outside of Hawley MN and moved into town after dropping out of high school because of fear. The mean streets of Hawley MN weren’t for the light hearted. She purchased the finest mobile home $1000 dollars could purchase at the time and moved it within one block of the local bar. Obviously the perfect place to raise a family once she found her Prince Charming. But on a fateful day in 1979, well making Lefse, she says a hippie/womanizer that would change her life and ultimately the fate of the world. On that fateful day, she locked up the trailer, took a month vacation, and went out on the road. She decided that life with a trucker was what she needed. Little did she know that she was about to be involved in the conception of perhaps the greatest leader the world would ever seen. I doubt it myself, considering Cheech and Chong would be proud of these two’s puffing abilities. It was tough to tell which was greater, the smoke leaving the exhaust of the mighty 18 wheeler or the smoke billowing out the windows of it.

Now as fate would have it, they were about to become a commercial about marijuana. It would say, “Marijuana, it’s more harmful than you thought!” Shortly after passing into Canada and being incredibly happy to notice the 100km/h speed limits, they both discussed what the hell “km” meant and figured it was Canadian for “miles”. Not one to obey laws, much like many hippie/womanizers, The Afoci’s dad began cruising about 120 mph and was enjoying the ride. Suddenly out of nowhere, a large buck with antlers of steel and destiny was struck by the semi-truck. He exploded into a ball of goo that any pornstar would be proud of. All of him, except his head and antlers. They went flying over the semi-truck and struck the trailer with such a force, that a small gash was formed in it. Not one large enough for a Crawfish to escape from, but on large enough for a claw to fit through. Startled by the happenings in front of them, the passed the bowl and smoked away there fear. But soon, oddly enough, paranoia had set in, along with a major case of the munchies. They pulled over to the next rest stop, broke the vending machine and ate every last snickers bar.

Now in highly energized by there new found energy source, The Afoci’s dad told his mother, “Why wait?” on the question of consummating there relationship that neither knew would lead to marriage. Not knowing the Canadian laws, The Afoci’s mother agreed to the arrangement and they retreated to the sleeping quarters of the semi. Suddenly, Bad Company blared over the semi-trucks mighty speakers, and yes, its true, they “Feel like, duh dut duh, duh dut dut, feel like making love to you!”

But not so far from this romantic escapade was but one mighty Crawfish, who was mightier than all the other Crawfish. Perhaps you could even call him a visionary or a messiah. Perhaps you could even call him the bringer of all that is to be. He was able to pry open the small gash in the trailer with his mighty claws and work his way onto the top. He could hear the words spoken by the two lovers not far away and they went something like this. “Wow, that is a great plan, I always loved a man who had the drive to take over the world with Earthworms!” After that all that could be heard was muffled moans and groans. Intrigued by what was before him and destined to do what he knew nothing about, this one mighty Crawfish crawled off the trailer. He found a small hole into the cab of the truck and he watched as man and women became one and as man was about to separate himself from himself in a glorious moment of human avalanche, the one mighty Crawfish did what he unknowingly was destined to do. He latched onto the sack and in a scream of pain and ecstasy, The Afoci’s dad crushed the one mighty Crawfish. He withered in pain as she reminisced over the greatest 45 seconds of the last minute of her life.

Now still unaware of their destiny, they took another step towards securing it. As The Afoci’s had already received payment in advance to delivery of the load, they destroyed the remain Crawfish and returned to the trailer home in Hawley to forever put up the wheels and settle down to conquer the world with Earthworms. The total lose of the crop of genetically engineered Crawfish caused the government to look for other methods of world domination and set up a void that would be filled by The Afoci in the area of attack Crawfish.

Now time had passed, probably two months when The Afoci’s mom realized that her birth control method of choice, prayer, didn’t work. And in a twist of fate, on the day the USA declared its independence from the tyranny of England, The Afoci declared his independence from the womb of his mother. At the time his parents didn’t know of the greatness that was before them.
[/flashback]

And that my friend is how we came to get The Afoci and how somehow, deep inside, he always knew what he needed to become. But one thing still haunts him. And it haunts him in his sleep. It haunts him well he is awake. It is where in Canada is The Afoci’s dad? Will we ever find out?

In a completely unrelated incident, Frogman from Canada is visiting the Crawfish this week in the FOFC cup and ”You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" is currently enjoying the wives/girlfriends of his players. May the best STD win, I mean may the best team win….

[/Narrator]