Screamin’ Seamen Announce Addition Of Half-Million-Dollar-Man Guido Metman
(AP – Chicago, IL): Data King, owner and general manager of the Screamin’ Seamen Football Club, held a press conference Thursday morning to announce the signing of Dutch striker Guido Metman. Metman comes to SSFC from the Xkicks, a 3rd Division side based in his native Rotterdam. Exact financial terms were not disclosed, but front office personnel did indicate that the total price was somewhere in the neighborhood of $500,000. This is, by far, the most expensive transfer the club has ever made. Metman’s salary also makes him the second most highly-paid player on the club’s roster, after starting goalkeeper Cornelius Jernigan.
“We’re extremely happy to have Guido as a part of the club,” stated King at today’s press conference. “He is a pure ball-striker the likes of which this club has never seen, and his unpredictable nature makes him extremely difficult to defend against. Guido also brings with him a great deal of experience from his European play, and certainly has a thing or two he can teach our younger players.”
“Experience” may be the single best word for describing Metman, who has experience beyond his twenty-five years. The Dutchman has tallied seventy-seven goals in his career, including hattricks on six separate occasions. Combine that with the 66 career goals of Johannes Henriksson, and the Screamin’ Seamen now have an incredible amount of goal-scoring experience up front.
Club ownership has been criticized in the past for being too conservative with their finances, and this criticism has only increased over the course of what has been, up to this point at least, a very disappointing season. The Seamen have only tallied nine goals thus far this season (second fewest in the league) and sit in a very uncomfortable sixth place in the standings. King fervently denies that the addition of Metman is little more than a knee-jerk reaction to a disappointing season.
“We’ve had an eye on improving our offense for some time now,” stated King, “and have been planning on making just such a move since before this season began. Frankly, the criticism we’ve received thus far baffles me. This is a town that cheers for John Shoop and the Bears. How in the hell can they criticize
us for a lack of offense?”
Knee-jerk or not, the addition of Metman is certain to make the Screamin’ Seamen a much more dangerous club from here on out.
Ivan Phillip Freely, Associated Press.
Guido Metman
Jersey # 12
25 years old, solid (7) form, healthy.
A pleasant guy who is balanced and honest.
Has inadequate (5) experience and inadequate (5) leadership abilities.
Specialty: Unpredictable
Nationality: Dutch
Assessed Value: $371,000
Wage: $3,348 per week
Warnings: 0
Stamina: Passable (6)
Playmaking: Inadequate (5)
Winger: Passable (6)
Scoring: Excellent (8)
Goaltending: Wretched (2)
Passing: Disastrous (1)
Defending: Inadequate (5)
Set Pieces: Disastrous (1)
We finally settled on Guido as our new striker, who should be a steady three-star performer for us. He couldn’t pass his way out of a paper bag, and is utterly useless when it comes to set pieces, but other than that there is absolutely nothing to not love about the guy. He has a good personality (but still caused a small team spirit loss when he joined the team
), and can play a number of other positions in a pinch. I especially like the unpredictable specialty, which is nice to have in a forward.
Other News
Former Seamen Luis Javier Prada was recently sold by Oulun Karpat (Finland Division 5) to RoxOrS (Denmark Division 5) for $108,000, earning us a nice little bonus of $3,240. A drop in the bucket, really, but those drops can add up over time.
Up Next: The weekly training and financial updates over the next few days. After that, Guido Metman should be making his American debut against the Syracuse Supers on Sunday. Stay tuned!