[Chief Rum]

June 14, 2002

Kettering Press Conference

A sampling of media and a good-sized group of standers-by gather under a canopy near the front entrance to Rockingham Road. Underneath the canopy, a small stage and a podium have been set up, as well as a side table of refreshments. A handful of watchful security guards are keeping the more unruly townfolk from the canopy, although their biggest test is between the fans and the table off to the side. Apparently some have utilized their lunch breaks to attend the occasion. The media is almost all newspaper and Internet reporters. There is a representative from the local radio station that broadcasts Kettering games, but no TV cameras.

A side door leading from some team offices under the stands opens, and Peter Mallinger walks out with several of his closest underlings, assistant coach Chris Swift, and an unknown man who all figure can only be Matthew Kieta himself.

Kieta is a youngish looking sort, which isn't a surprise given that Mallinger said he is just 30 years old. He is blond, soft looking, short and dumpy like the Tenfords. The spectators groaned at the sight of him.

Mallinger spoke for a few moments to introduce Kieta, calling it "a new era in Poppie football". Then he stepped aside and allowed Kieta to approach the pdium.

Kieta: Thank you all for coming. I'm really excited for this opportunity. The organization is a great one, and there's nothing better than English ball. I think there are some good players here in Kettering, and together we can do great things. I look forward to the good townsfolk of Kettering Town joining with us in what will doubtless be the beginning of a strong march to the top. And thank you again to Mr. Mallinger, who was kind enough and wise enough to give a guy like me a chance to really turn the Conference on its heels. I know and believe that we can do that. Now, are there any questions? (Gallery buzzes. Kieta points to a hand near the front.) Yes?

A reporter: Who the bloody hell are you?

(The gallery buzzes with laughter, which Kieta takes in stride, grinning and laughing at the wit with the media.)

Kieta: Fair question, I guess. Did you arrive late and not get my resumé? (More laughter from the gallery.) Seriously, though, I don't know what more I can tell you than what we have there. I played football in the States, for the University of California at Los Angeles. As you are all probably aware, the Americans have a very advanced collegiate system that serves somewhat like a reserve system for them. UCLA is one such school--in fact, it is rather reknowned there in the sport the Americans call "soccer".

(Snickers from gallery at the idiocy of Americans. Kieta allows the buzz to die down.)

You'll find me on some roster sheets for the Bruins in the early-to-mid-90s, but I wasn't very good. (More laughter.) I made a good impression on the coaches there, though, and was hired on as an assistant after my schooling was completed. In three years, I moved up to the top assistant's spot there, before I was offered the chance to head coach--that's basically a manager's position--at Cal Poly Pomona, a California school playing Division II footy. UCLA plays Division I. In my five years at Cal Poly, I amassed three CCAA championships--the CCAA was the local Division II table--and last year won a national championship for D-II. I guess that's like the American reserve equivalent to a Champions League championship, although on a much lower level, of course. (Winks at the crowd; the reporters and even some of the townsfolk are warming to his personable approach and glibness.)

The first reporter: Boy, that's a mouthful!

laughter

Kieta: I'll say. Now go get the darn fact sheet, so I don't have to repeat myself. (more gallery laughter) You sir?

Second reporter: It says here you're English?

Kieta: By birth and some of my early years. I was born in a borough just outside of Manchester and lived there for five years. Then my father had an opportunity in the States, and we moved to California on the far west coast of North America. I grew up there, but played footy the entire time. I have always loved the sport. I still maintain dual English and American citizenship. (looks for another question) Yes?

Third reporter: Why you? (some laughter)

Kieta: Why did Mr. Mallinger pick me? Well, you'll have to ask him that, although I can guess that he must feel I was the best for the job. And I agree with him. (That last done deadpan. More chuckles from the crowd. After the buzz dies down, Kieta goes on.) I'm sure that more apparently (stesses this last) qualified candidates might have suited some people better than an unknown name from America, but I am confident I'm the right choice for the job. Mr. Mallinger was very exacting in how he wanted this job performed and the qualities he wanted from a manager, and quite frankly, I believe I suited them to a tee.

Third reporter again: So you think you would have been hired in April in the same situation?

Kieta: Well, technically, I understand that the search for a manager has been ongoing since April, so I was hired from a process that began then. That said, were the decision made in April, I'm sure that the longer list of candidates available then would have cut into my chances a bit. Fortunately, it did not end up happening, and here I am. You in the back?

Fourth reporter: Have you spoken with any of the players?

Kieta: Some. I spoke with a few of the guys last night and this morning by phone. I have also met Craig Norman, who lives here in Kettering. I also spoke with former manager Carl Shutt to get an early read on the returning players. (Winks conspiratorially at the crowd.) I got the chairman's permission for that one. (Laughter from the gallery.) I will try to contact all of the players by the end of tomorrow, and preseason drills will began in a couple weeks, when I will meet with all of the players. Yes?

Second reporter again: Care to make any predicitions?

(Kieta just grins. The media crowd laughs at the pause.)

Kieta: I don't think that I'll have a good idea of that just yet. We'll have to see when I meet with and train with the players. The Poppies won the Southern League last year, but as you are all well aware, the Nationwide Conference is another matter entirely. I'm going to carefully examine the talent that we have, and if I can't make it work with the parts that are here, I'll go out looking for what I need.

Second reporter again: Does that mean you have a transfer budget?

Kieta: Actually, I currently do not know, although Mr. Mallinger has assured me that I will have the financial support when I need it. (The townsfolk in the distance give an audible groan, since they are familiar with The Mallingerer's promises in this respect. Mallinger silently turns beet red, but maintains his composure behind Kieta, who doesn't notice.) But I have a budget I think I can work with. But first things first. I need to see if any changes need to be made before I go and make them. Yes?

Fifth reporter: Mr. Kieta, will you be playing for the Poppies?

Kieta: Don't you want the team to get better? (Gallery erupts in laughter.) No, I don't think you want a soft dumpling like me in the backfield. Besides, we already havce some solid, young kids on defense. As for offense, I can't shoot a lick. (More chuckles) Well, everyone, I really must be going. I have to get started, and I intend to do so without delay. Thank you for your time, and if you ever need to reach me, just call our fine PR department, and I will get back to you. Thank you and good day.

(Kieta strides off of the stage and back through the door into the Rock's stony underbelly, leaving more questions behind him.)

Chief Rum