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Training Camp Reports
In Milwaukee, what few fans follow Muscle Men football are raving about Fullback Bulldozer. "The guy is a freak of nature," said one observer, "he just blows up everybody, whether he's got the ball or not." QB Bullseye has two new toys in Bulldozer and Ricky "The Answer" Williams, and if he learns to play them just right, there should be a lot more fun in Milwaukee this year.

At L.A.'s training camp, there's some grumbling surrounding second-round pick, QB Bernie Mac. "We really needed a boost from the QB spot," wrote columnist High N. Mighty, "and Mac's not ready to contribute yet. Freddie Prinze Jr. hasn't let a defender touch the Star offense, but a lot of good it will do if there isn't a skill position player who knows what to do with the football."

Outside Little Rock, first-round pick Keith "Slap" Slapinski is having a hard time shaking the critics who think GM Swaggs should have chosen someone else on draft day. "Look," Slapinski said, "I'm a fine freakin' football player. I'm sick of this #%#*$ about who should have gone where. Renaldo Buckler and I are the best tackle-tandem in the league and I personally guarantee Rajah Saleem and Dixon Spiller are going to put up good numbers this year." We'll see how good a rookie's guarantee is.

In frozen Fargo the Fighting Crawfish have found a new home, but have they found any new talent? Rookie RB Glutton for Punishment is running well, and second-round pick, DE Chesty is impressing his coaches. It looks like a step up, albeit a small one, for the Crawfish.

In Knoxville, training camp workouts have put all fears about first overall pick "Thumbless" Bo Jackson to rest. The poor Redneck defensive unit has been seriously demoralized by the constant barrage of firepower from the other side of the line. Wide receiver Jackson Jackson is the happiest man in all Tennesee, and he's singin tunes of making next year's all-ZFL team thanks to his new best buddy, "Thumbless".

In Birmingham there's some confusion, what with two Troy's on the roster now. But not many are confusing the veteran MLB with the second-round standout offensive tackle. RB Artemis is licking his chops, looking at one of the best offensive lines in the ZFL in front of him. First-round pick DE Atlantis is struggling scrimmaging against the Olympian offensive line, but coaches are assuring the media that against lesser lines he should shine.

In Albuquerque training camp reports are not so good. "Chemistry," says the coach. "It's all about chemistry. We've got some fine young players, and we're pleased with first-rounder Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz, but we're still not sure who is going to step up and win games for us. We've had some arguments in the camp, some differences of opinion, but we're hoping the friction just toughens us up." The Isotopes remain a bit of a mystery going into the regular season. What the heck is an Isotope, anyways?

The fans in Portland are flooding the practice field, forcing the Sea Biscuits to hold closed practices now and then just to get things done. The atmosphere in Oregon is electric, and the Sea Biscuits are the hottest ticket in town. The reason? Two incredible young offensive guards, Erik Flamebeard of Neither Here Nor There and Tim the Troll. The two bash brothers on the O-line are making even the aging legs of Antonio de La Tonio leap like a deer. Fans are chanting, "Bring on Chicago! Bring on Chicago!" Yep, they're pretty pumped in Portland.

There's a bit of grumbling in San Antonio as the fans and media question whether the Margaritas needed to build for the future or win now. The trade of Jet and the failure to land a better QB are making some wonder about the Margaritas. Can rookie WR Primetime fit into the "Southern Screen" offense? Because goodness knows QB Handoff King can't run it without playmakers at the WR spot. The slow progress of first-rounder DT Stopped for a Loss isn't helping the bad vibes around the Alamo.

Chicago is buzzing about what offensive weapons Jet and Ty Wick are going to mean to the Eagles. Wick is looking great and young OG Tom Sanders is playing such steady, potent football that even Portland's Erik Flamebeard could learn a thing or two from him. Some are saying Flamebeard may be the most outgoing, but Sanders is really the best O-lineman in the ZFL. Well, well, what a stir that might cause! Improved running game, improved passing game; but outside of Sanders, will the pathetic Eagle O-line drag the team down? Can the aging defense keep up with the league's newly charged offenses? No. No, they can't. But they might still be good enough to win it all again, even if they can't shut (almost) everyone out.