Girlfriend Question?
 

I'd like FOFC's opinion on a Semi-Serious problem with my girlfriend.

She's getting in trouble for the 3rd time since I've been with her (just under a year)

My question "Should we go our separate ways?"

I predict this thread will end well!

(Also, I predict that we will hear the following: "more details about the trouble" and "pix plz, kthx")

SI

Without knowing details, yes.

Whatever it is, I would at minimum step back and very seriously try to objectively consider what is causing her to get into this trouble. Assuming it is some sort of attitude/behavior/philosophy that she has that causes her to put herself in bad situations... is it something you are ok with?

That's the best I can do with such a generic description. Being equally generic, the last time I felt I was in love I overlooked some stuff that I have serious moral problems with. Once the luster wore off... I was left with a lot of serious moral problems. Its not uncommon to overlook flaws when things are going ok but make yourself take a big step back.

No need to end it just yet. Instead, just ground her and take away tv for a week. That will teach her!!

Vaguest post ever?

Don't forget "Whatever you do, make sure you stick it in her butt before you end it"

selfquote/dola. Also, if you're already doing this, the answer changes to "everything's fine the way it is"

Sorry to be so vague about this question, I'm just looking for a quick opinion from this awesome community...

Thanks Guys...

3 Murders in under a year is too many - definitely time to walk away.

I'm just getting sick of her being in trouble all the time.. Kinda of sitting at a crossroads, looking both ways...

going back to being serious then, you've answered your own question.

If this is the third different guy she's cheating with, I think she just might not be into you

If this is her third blown save in a year- I mean, that's not too bad. There are a lot of bullpens that would kill for that.

Third arrest for public urination? Maybe you need to stop locking the doors to the bathroom.

Third time watching the Star Wars prequels and not even watching the originals. Yeah, no taste. Be afraid.

Third time she's totaled the car in a year? Stop buying Ford Pintos for your pyromaniac girlfriend.

SI

Agreed. If you have to ask these questions, then you probably already know the answer.

Without knowing the nature of the problem:

1) Is this a problem you can ultimately live with? If it's the third time in under a year, it seems to be a habit or an addiction of some kind, one that won't be easily broken, if ever. If not, leave now.

2) If it is a problem you can live with, what steps can be taken to ensure that it becomes as least disruptive to your life and relationship as possible? If you find there's nothing that can work for the two of you, then I'd cut bait.

3) If you can live with it and you've found a sufficient compromise, then are there other problem areas in the relationship that may be borderline potential dealbreakers?

Ultimately, it's not looking great, obviously, but on the other hand, if this is a fantastic relationship except for that one thing, then it's worth going through this process.

To analyze this question, you have to determine how to categorize the offense.

Too many people have a laundry list of criteria they seek in a mate. This causes them to choose based on situation rather than the person. They love the situation (we sometimes call this "timing") and try and learn to love the person.

I think it's wiser to choose the person and learn to love the situation.

So you have to determine whether the "trouble" defines her as a person, or it's simply an artifact of the current situation. If it's the former, it will not change. If it's the latter, it probably will change, given time.

If she's cheating for a third time in one year, that's probably who she is and you need to determine whether you can live with the situation that can temporarily create (an open relationship).

Fellas, this is Nebraska.
Its not like theres choices all over the place.



Sounds like this isnt the long term dealio and you can rule out any future chances of breeding. If thats the case, then make sure you have some ass lined up before kicking it to the curb. Also try not to make it an ugly split as chicks with trouble/violence/psychoshit tend to stalk longer on bad breakups. Hope that helps.

We get along with each other very well and share similar interests. Love going to concerts, movie's, out to eat together - just generally like hanging out. But there's something with her always getting into trouble..

This is a problem I've told her not to get into again and what happens, BAM she does it again.

I think I've seen the light but it's hard to let go..

Start using a condom.

Chronic disorder with little in regards to how it makes you feel = F'n run.

I'm paraphrasing here, but change doesn't happen until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. She's obviously fine in her current behavior. As long as that is true, you are only hurting yourself by staying there. If it hurts them to have you leave, it obviously doesn't hurt enough.

FTW

This is like one of those SAT questions where one of the choices is 'not enough information given'

Trouble could mean DUIs. Trouble could mean lost her phone. Trouble could mean fired from her job.

From your other answers sounds like you want someone to say you are OK to drop her based on 3 whatevers in one year. And depending what those whatevers are, I think you'd get at least one here.

Let her go, but try and help her out. If it's the DUIs, point her to help. If it's serial firings, at least tell her not to useca Gmail address on her next resume.

Trouble = Law...

Oh, to expand on this here's a fraction of my 2010. I found out my friend is a pathological liar who has rampaging alcoholic and drug issues. Of course I knew next to nothing of this when he moved in. I knew he had some issues with alcohol, but nothing on the level I later knew. His drug addiction lead him to committing check fraud against me. Yeah, I prosecuted his rear. Trust me, even if somebody is repeatedly getting in trouble with the law dump them. Don't wait to tell them to not do it again. Don't wait for them to screw you over again. Just run. I have NO tolerance for people like that. You stick around and they think they can continue to get away with it and they will try to.

This is exactly how I feel, it's just hard when you think you know the person and it turns out to be the opposite..

Thanks for sharing man, I'm starting to feel better..

I feel it's kinda like the old saying goes:

Happens once, shame on you

Happens twice, shame on me

Happens a third time, well buddy you better run...


Thanks everybody, this is helping quite a bit..

just keep humping away till she goes to prison.

(Serious advice: Threads like this are almost always started by someone who already knows the answer and are just waiting for someone else to confirm it.)

If it is legal issue then perhaps this is something you can stick out. If it is an issue of infidelity the first offense should have been her last. Sounds like she may have an issue with drunk driving. This is purely a guess however if that is the case break up with her. If she loves you she will use the relationship as incentive to clean up her act or risk losing you forever.

Have you made it clear that whatever the indiscretion may be that you don't approve? If this has not made clear; not hinting at it but made abundantly clear, then she deserves another chance.

Noop

Probably worth it to stick it out if there is a potential for conjugal visits.

Dump her and start fresh. Be alone for a while. It feels good.

If she's got three DUIs, then she's got some serious legal issues to deal with depending on the state. For MI, the person is basically screwed for about 2-6 years and that says nothing of having a felony charge on your record.

I look at it this way from my own personal experience. It's like not all of the wires in their brain are connected like they should be. Until medical, psychological, religious, or the light in their brain flipping on type of intervention happens, then the pattern will continue.

I say drop her. Without knowing the type of crimes it seems just a matter of time that you get caught up in it as an innocent bystander

I want to help her, I really hate seeing her crash like this...

Did you know her before she had this apparent problem? I ask because it might be worth evaluating whether you actually know "her" or "her with her problem". You may or may not like "her" but you don't seem to like "her with her problem". If that makes sense.

If you feel like you really know "her" then get her some help. Get her parents involved, siblings, best friends, etc. and involve some professional help. If none of her family/friends are likely to be onboard or helpful (i.e. they have the same issues) then you may need to do this with some professional help if you truly want her back from whatever is making her live recklessly. And you'll likely want to get her out of whatever life situations & influences she has today. It will not be easy and she may not be a very willing participant...but if you truly want "her"...you don't have too many choices.

Out of curiosity...what age range we talking here? 18-22? 22-30? 30+?

(My guesses would be DUI or pot but my guesses aren't worth anything)

SI

She shoplifted the booty.

Pot? Yikes! I would hope any woman I date would not consider pot to be a big deal. I know it is illegal however I believe smoking pot only effects me and those I crack my terrible jokes too. You know what if I was high and she hated my jokes then I can understand. I am told that my writing is wonderful while high my conversation not so much.

I do find it strange he won't clue us in on her issue. Unless she is aware of this board I can see no harm in him stating it. He does not have to use her real name and can simply state the issue. The vagueness of the question leads to speculation which in turn does not help in finding answers.

Noop

It's more a matter of where people draw the line. I used pot as an example because it is illegal and cause a crapload of problems even, tho, yeah, we all know it's not really that bad. Particularly in this context, I wonder if it's a "please stop taking that as it could get us in trouble" and then one party sees it as a big deal while the other doesn't- then it becomes a trust issue. Again, just a random guess.

SI

The "I'm single and normal and really tired of being single" girl response, without knowing the issue.

There are plenty of non-crazy people out there and if the "in trouble" is bothering you enough to post here about it, then yeah, it's probably time to investigate where things are going...

/tk

It's really tough without knowing what it is. If it's cheating, then definitely end it. That will never change and is not something that gets fixed.

If you're talking about drugs/alcohol, it's tough to say. Has she been getting help? Is it something that you feel she just needs support with fixing? Or is it something she is content with doing and doesn't feel she needs help?

I guess what I would say is that if you feel like you have to change her to be with her, you should end it. 3 times in a year is more a sign that she isn't going to change her behavior and likely not worth sitting around for a 4th.

Except for that time when you caused all those disasters trying to find your nemesis who just turned out to be Bruce Willis, security guard.

SI

The good news is, you're not really tired of being normal.

try hitting her

Seriously.


A bit extreme I think.

:)

(Lazy lob over the net by tk, Set by SI, Spike by stevew. Point :D)

SI

Yeah I suppose I opened that up... ;) :D

Sorry to derail. ;)

/tk

They have to crash before they understand they have to change. If you continue to help them, they think it's ok.

Next time she calls, answer like this

If you're seriously asking a bunch of nerds on a message board for advice, then you're already a lost cause.