Bad Jokes and Puns go here.
 

One of my favorite fiction series, the Callahan's series by Spider Robinson, has a pretty cool message to the series. "Shared Pain is lessened. Shared Joy is increased. Thus do we refute entropy."

But there's a lot of puns and shaggy dog stories in the series as well.

So in honor of Callahan's, here's a story for you.

"Well, as you know.. before operation Desert Storm, we were expecting a war that could last months. And the Army never likes to run low on ANYTHING during war.

So the quartermaster for the Army, amongst other things, ordered an extra 20,000 battlefield uniforms for the Army Chaplain Corps. These uniforms had every piece of gear that a priest normally wore.

hey figured a long war would cause much trouble for the army's chaplains, and that they needed the extra gear for the many hours of hazardous duties they would face.

Of course, the Army went into Kuwait, and kicked out ol' Hussein and his army in seventy-two hours. This was great, for the troops. Not many dead, a massive victory, what else could the Army ask for?

The quartermaster, while happy, was worried that he'd be attacked by the beancounters in Congress for having too much excessive inventory that the Army would not use. So he decided to at least get something back for all the extra money he spent on the Chaplain Corps.. so he did the only thing he could do..

(waits a second, sipping his coca-cola)

He held an Army Surplice Sale.....

(Grins)

stick to Jerry Maguire

Cubs win the World Series!

A man walked into a bar. The guy behind him ducked.

I don't want to get it.

November 2000

Ok.. Surplice=part of the priest's gear when conducting Mass. It's pronounced Surplus though ;)

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"


































But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

Ouch!

In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived.

This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, "It couldn't," and squatted down again.

"Migod," exclaimed the xenobiologist. "Of course! It only stands to reason."

Did you hear why the proctologist quit his job?




He decided it was puns he liked.

The Irish declare War on Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade
next when
his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at
the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!How big
is your
army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, my
cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and
the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men
in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war
is still
on! We have managed to acquire some
infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor."Paddy
replied.

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have16,000 tanks and
14,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We'vemodified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silen! t for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell
you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000
fighter planes.

My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to 2 million
men!

"I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',
Mr.
Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and
decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!!!

Barbara is with her 5 year old boy at the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says to his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

Barbara replies "That's his trunk".

The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing at the other end."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

Barbara, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad.

They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

Dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."

Dad replied, "Well, your mom's been spoiled."

3 expectant mothers are hanging out together one Sunday afternoon, talking about the 'myths' of motherhood and the like. There's a blonde, a brunette, and a red head all chatting about what their baby will be.

The brunette says, "I heard, that if you're on top of your man, you're most likely going to have a girl for a baby! So I think I'll be having a baby girl as my first born!"

The other two women cheer, congratulating the brunette. The red head then says, "You know, I heard that if you're underneath your man, you'll most likely have a baby boy. Maybe I'll have a baby boy as my first born then!"

At this point, the blonde girl says, "Yay! I'm having puppies!"

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they could not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A frog walks into a bank and says "I wanna loan."

"Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you," The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan."

Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her.

She asks, confused, "What is this?"

The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan." She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says, "I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?"

The boss laughs and says, "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"

Best line from the best joke....

A Humming Sound

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The husband replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Aieeeee! These are some STINKERS :)

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. Which one of them is a prostitute?

The one with the sticker that says "Idaho".

(Might be a bit sensitive, but I apologize beforehand in advance! I went ahead and re-worded some lines, but I think you'll all get the hint.)

So a 'flamboyant' man from out of town goes out to a bar. He's blatant, and a flat out screaming 'floof' of sorts. The bar he chooses to go to, however, is not the bar a floofy man such as himself would be caught at. Nonetheless, he's happy, and very loud. He's dancing to the music playing in a bar loaded with Hell's Angels.

So, the man asks the bartender, "Oh my gosh! What a fabulous place! Can I have a cosmopolitan? Do you guys have any of those cherries too?"

The bartender, in his gruff manner, serves up the man his requested drink. "No, don't carry any of those here.", he simply replies.

So the man starts to enjoy his drink, looking around at the folks just staring at him. Still at the bar, the man asks the bartender, "So what's there to do around here? Is there anything fun and exciting to do? I'm so new here in town! Oh my gosh! This is like the first place I've been to so far!"

The bartender, not looking at the man, juts his thumb over his back, pointing towards the exit. "Fun's in the back."

"Oh thank you!", the man replies, and decides to head out back to see what the fun's about. When he does exit the bar, he notices a group of bikers laying the smack down on another 'flamboyant' man.

The man freaks out, and starts calling out, "OMIGOSH! What're you doooing?! Staahp! Staahp it!"

One of the bikers glances over his shoulder and replies, "...We're beating up a @#$*!"

At this point, the man replies to the group of men, in the most masculine voice possible - "...Noooo shit!"

Ok, one more:

This happens to be my favorite.

Back in the 80's, a famous businessman was convicted of hiring a hitman to kill his most famous rival.

His downfall, was hiring the world's stupidest assassin, Artie.

So, this businessman convinces Artie to take the case, and this should show how dumb Artie is.. Artie accepted a down payment of only one dollar for the hit.

So, he follows the guy for a couple days.. and decides his only chance to kill the businessman is while he's shopping for groceries at the local Stop and Shop.

So he drives to the Stop and Shop, and prepares to kill the businessman, when he realizes he forgot his gun. So, when the businessman comes out, he chooses a more direct attempt on the businessman's life. He starts strangling the man!

A few seconds after this begins, his wife comes out and starts screaming for help and beating at Artie. Knowing the businessman is pretty much out cold, he throws down the businessman and starts strangling the wife. Before he can kill either of them, the police show up and pry him off the businessman and the wife."

All the local newspapers had the same headline the next day.

"Artie chokes two for a dollar at Stop & Shop!"

It's the first day of class at the University, and some folks are attending a lecture entitled, "Paranormal Studies 101". The professor greets the students, relatively all 200 of them.

"Good morning, class!", the Professor greets. "Welcome to Paranormal Studies 101. Now before we begin, I have to ask, how many of you folks believe in ghosts?"

Out of the 200 students, 150 of them raise their hand.

"Good, good!", the Professor replies. "Now! Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, how many of you have ever experienced an encounter with one?"

Out of the 150 students, 70 of them raise their hand.

"Excellent...", the Professor nods. "Now then! Out of you students...how many of you all have personally talked with a ghost?"

Out of the 70 students, 5 of them raise their hand.

"Wow...good stuff, good stuff...", the Professor adds. "Now, out of you 5 students...how many of have ever had sexual encounters with a ghost?"

The present students chuckle, seeing through the Professor's little joke. However, out of the 5 students, one of them still has their hand up. They all turn and look at him, where he sits in the far back, and the Professor is quite surprised.

"You there!", the Professor calls out to the lone student. "Come on down here, son!"

The lone student makes his way down to the front of the lecture hall, where the Professor is.

"Tell the class your name!", the Professor encourages the student.

"Uh...my name's Bubba. Bubba Smith.", the student replies.

"Bubba!", the Professor repeats. "...Now, Bubba, I've been teaching Paranormal Studies 101 for the past two decades! Never have I ever had a student who had said they've had sexual relations with a ghost!"

"Ghost?", Bubba says, looking confused. "Man, I thought you said goat!"

What is the definition of true male eloquence?


























When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands.

What has two legs and won't stop bleeding?

Half a kitten.

What's green and sits on my porch?

(Those who don't know the answer are missing out, those who do know why I can not finish this joke. :D )

I've got a pair of those, one involving a story with "nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine stairs" and the other involving "pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls". They lose quite a bit in typing, tho. It's much better to make people sit through a 10 minute joke and then give them no payoff. Actually, one of those is even better in that the main character dies before you get the punchline.

Now that I think about it, both of those jokes usually have people wanting to kill me so maybe I shouldn't tell them.

SI

Dola

Foz, you have a million of these don't you?

SI

At least a couple hundred thousand!

A man is walking his two sons, 10 and 6 when they pass two dogs who are going at it hot and heavy on the side of the road.

The 6 yr old asks his father what the dogs are doing. The father not wanting to have that discussion with him yet thinks quick.

"Well you see son, the one on top has hurt his paw and the other one, well, the other one is carrying him to the hospital."

At this the 10 year old says, "man that just sucks."

The father is a bit confused at this and asks him what he means.

"Well, you try to help some guys out and then they go and fuck you."

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either.

So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! Let's assume the chickens are speric and that they're in a vacuum..."

Okay this is the best I have, its probably been heard before.

A duck walks into a bar. The duck walks up to the bartender, looks at him and says, "GOT ANY DUCK FOOD?" The bartender is startled at first, and the duck is LOUD, and after all its a talking duck. After the bewilderment wears off, he replies, "No, we don't have any duck food, this is a bar, we serve drinks." The duck then pivots, and heads back out the door.

The next day, the same duck waddles up to the bar, and asks, in his annoying loud voice, "GOT ANY DUCK FOOD?" The bartender cringes and quickly replies to the duck, "No duck food! This is a bar, we serve drinks only! Now scram!"

The very next day, the duck comes into the bar, and hops up on the barstool and says, "GOT ANY DUCK FOOD?" once again. The bartender is furious. He's gotten complaints from his regulars about this annoying duck. He screams "We don't have ANY DUCK FOOD! Get out of here! If you come back again, I'll nail your damn beak shut!" The duck calmly turns around and waddles out.

Everything is going good the next night, when all of the sudden, in strolls the duck. He waddles to the bar, and the place is silent, awaiting the question and reaction. The bartender is fuming. The duck pauses, thinks, then says






"GOT ANY NAILS?"

The bartender stammers, stuptified, and shakes his head no. The duck then says, "GOT ANY DUCK FOOD?"


[insert groans here]

oldie but a goodie

these have all kept me entertained on and off for an hour, thanks

/easily amused

Well, of course. Any of us clicking on a thread entitled "Bad Jokes and Puns go here" are suckers for them and might even add a couple to our repitoire. ;)

SI

A man is working at home one afternoon when his son comes up and asks for help doing his homework. He has to write a paper on the difference between realistic and theoretical.

The dad thinks for a minute.

"OK, son, go ask your mother if a man offered her a million dollars to sleep with him, would she do it."

The son does and comes back and says that she said yes, if a man offered her a million bucks, she'd sleep with him. The man then told him to ask his sister the same question.

When the son comes back he says that she too said yes.

"There you have it son" the man says.

"I don't get it dad, what do you mean."

"Well son, theoretically we're sitting on a goldmine here but realistically we're living with a couple of sluts."

A blonde complains of nagging pains about her body, and decides to go to a Doctor to have herself checked out.

"What seems to be the problem?", the Doctor asks.

The blonde points to her knee, "When I touch here it hurts."

She then points to her elbow, "When I touch here it hurts."

Afterwards, she then points to her forehead. "Even when I touch here, it hurts."

The Doctor nods his head, and touches the blonde's knee. "It hurts here?"

"Yes.", the blonde replies.

The Doctor then touches the blonde's elbow. "Here as well?"

"Yes.", the blonde replies.

The Doctor then touches the blonde's forehead. "This right here?"

"Yes.", the blonde replies.

"I think I know what's wrong.", the Doctor replies. "Your finger's broken.'

that one is brilliant hukarez

I had a few posted in another thread I started awhile ago, though, I was looking for more "wordy" ones. 5 minute long 'stories' of sorts. I figure, this thread seems to be a better mix anyways.

I can't seem to find my old thread though...maybe I'll just go ahead and re-post the "Old Guy and Young Guy" joke in due time...

Can't believe I forgot to add this one:

There's a small comedy club, in which the featured act of the night was a ventriloquist (sp?) chap. The premise for his ventriloquist act was that of a foul mouthed wooden puppet, who pretty much did nothing but say dirty jokes.

In any case, the show begins - and it's a standard sized crowd. For a good hour, the ventriloquist's act goes off on blondes. Nothing but blonde jokes - which is apparently the theme for the evening.

"How do you get a one armed blonde out of the tree? You wave!"

Jokes as such went on and on and on. The audience is cracking up here and there, and the ventriloquist is just on a roll. However, within the crowd, there is one person who isn't laughing at the least. In fact, she looked rather pissed off. The one person, who happens to be a blonde, looks as if she's going to throw a fit.

In any case - when there's a break in between the act, the blonde takes the opportune to make things a bit uncomfortable. She stands up, and everyone in the club hushes, taking note of the furious look on her face.

"Those are the most cruel jokes I have ever heard in my life! How dare you! You choose to spend an entire hour of my time, berating others like me?", the blonde accuses the ventriloquist, shaking at the seams.

The crowd is effectively silenced at this point, a bit stunned by the way the blonde is reacting. The ventriloquist, embarassed more so by the brash act of the blonde herself stammers, "Ma'am...I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean..."

Just then, the blonde interrupts and shakes her head. "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the little guy!"

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. The bartender says "Oh no you don't, get that filthy thing out of here". But the man explains that this is a magic octopus, and asks if he can have a chance to prove it. "You see," says the man, "this octopus can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone agrees that the man is clearly nuts, but they decide to humor him. The bartender pulls a harmonica out of his pocket and hands it the octopus. The octopus studies it for a few seconds, then starts playing the blues.

Everyone is amazed. One guy runs to the back and comes back with a guitar. They hand it to the octopus, who studies it for a few minutes and then starts playing. The place goes crazy.

Someone else goes out to their car and gets a trumpet. They hand it to the octopus, he studies it for a few minutes, and then starts playing it. Unbelievable. By this point everyone is crowded around, cheering on the man and his magic octopus.

Finally and old Scottish man gets a set of bagpipes. They hand it the octopus, who studies it for a few minutes. Then a few more minutes. The octopus is turning the bagpipes over, looking underneath, examing, but not playing. Finally it becomes clear that the octopus is getting frustrated.

At this point the man explains that the octopus has never seen bagpipes before. The bartender gently leans over to the octopus and says "What's the matter buddy? Can't you play it?"

"Play it?" says the octopus. "Once I figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm going to fuck it!"

Sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve food here."

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but don't start anything."

A guy walks into a bar with a big piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, "Bartender, two drinks. One for me and one for the road."

Two TV antenna meet on the roof of a building. They fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding was only so-so, but the reception was great.


Thank you, I'll be here all week.

:D

bump

The Hunch Back of Notre Dame dies, and the manager of the bell-tower has to hire a replacement to ring the great bell. He takes out a want ad, and on the first day this guy with no arms shows up and says he wants the job.

"How are you supposed to ring the bells with no arms?" asks the manager.

"I'll show you," says the armless guy, and they head up to the top of the tower.

Once they're up there, the armless guy looks over the bell, thinks for a second, and then starts backing up. When he's gone as far back as he can go, he let's out a great cry and charges forward towards the bells at full speed. He dives forward, face first into the bell, and the impact makes the most glorious ringing sound you ever heard. Unfortunately, the guy bounces off the bell, riccochets through an open window and plummets to his death.

The manager runs down the stairs to the ground below. When he gets there, the town police chief is already on the scene. "Who was this man?" asks the chief.

"I didn't get his name," says the manager, "but his face rings a bell."

...

So anyway, the next day another armless guy shows up at the bell-tower. He tells the manager "that man who died yesterday was my brother. It's my duty to carry on his work."

So up they go to the top of tower. Once they're up there, the second armless guy looks over the bell, thinks for a second, and then starts backing up. When he's gone as far back as he can go, he let's out a great cry and charges forward towards the bells at full speed. He dives forward, face first into the bell, and the impact makes the second-most glorious ringing sound you ever heard. Unfortunately, the guy bounces off the bell, riccochets through another open window and plummets to his death.

The manager runs down the stairs to the ground below. When he gets there, the town police chief is on the scene. "OK, who was this man?" asks the chief.

"I don't know his name either," says the manager. "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

This one is my attempt to paraphrase a Robin Harris joke. It’s a thousand times better hearing him tell it (only on CD, unfortunately :() because the delivery is 3/4 of what makes it funny, but it’s still pretty funny and one of my favorites.



I went with my friend Tiny to a church in Compton. After the Preacher gave his sermon, it was time to sing some hymns. Being in Compton, the church only had a piccolo player. The Preacher turned to the piccolo player and said, "Brother, let’s sing hymn #42." The piccolo player said, "I’m sorry Mr. Preacher, I don’t know hymn #42."

The Preacher said, "That’s OK, son, I know you’re just out on parole. How about hymn #17?"

"I don’t know hymn #17."

"OK, let’s try hymn #72."

"I don’t know hymn #72."

Just then, someone in the congregation yelled, "Piccolo player’s a motherfucker!" The Preacher whirled around and said, "Who said that shit? I ain’t havin’ none of that shit in MY church! I won’t tolerate that kind of shit in my church! Whoever called my piccolo player a motherfucker, stand up right NOW!"

Tiny whispered to me, "Don’t move SHIT!"

The Preacher continued, "OK, then the man sitting next to the man who called my piccolo player a mother fucker, stand up." Nothing. "The man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man who called my piccolo player a motherfucker, stand up!" Again, nothing. "All right, the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the MAN who called my piccolo player a mother fucker, stand up RIGHT NOW!" And then, "the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the GODDAMN MAN who called my piccolo player a mother fucker, show your ass RIGHT NOW!"

And everybody froze.

Finally, one man stood up. "Mr. Preacher, please don’t shoot... ‘cuz I ain’t the man who called your piccolo player a motherfucker," he said. "Hell, I ain’t even the man sitting next to the man who called your piccolo player a mother fucker. Mr. Preacher, I ain’t even the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man who called your piccolo player a mother fucker." Then "Shit, I ain’t even the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the MAN who called your piccolo player a mother fucker." Then he grabbed himself, saying, "Mr. Preacher, I ain’t even the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the GODDAMN MAN who called your piccolo player a mother fucker."

"What I want to know is, who called that motherfucker a piccolo player?!"

A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve string in here, sorry." So the string walks outside and thinks for a second.

He musses up his hair and walks back inside. The bartender says, "hey, aren't you that piece of string I just told to leave?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

The Devil and Jesus decide that they are going to have a computer programming contest. God counts down .... 3 2 1 Go! And they begin typing and programming furiously.


After a while a tremendous lightning flash and thunder erupt and the power goes off and the contest is stopped. After power is restored, God asks to see what the Devil has programmed and the Devil responds "Com'on God, the power went out we lost everything."

God walks over to Jesus' computer and asks to see what he has done and Jesus hits a key and glorious graphics scroll across the screen and a multimedia routine kicks in and the Devil just looks on dumbfounded. He asks how could that be, the power went off. God replied, "Come on Devil, everyone knows that Jesus saves!"

A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks."

The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."

The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk."

The parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."

Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer. There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

God and the Devil are having another argument, and the Devil has an idea: he challenges God to a baseball game.

God says "Devil, have you lost your mind? How are you going to beat me in a baseball game. I look around heaven and I see Ted Williams over there. Next to him is Lou Gehrig. I see Roberto Clemente playing catch with Joe DiMaggio. In fact, I have just about every great hall of fame player up here. How are you ever going to compete with us on the baseball diamond?"

The Devil just smiles and says "Simple. I've got all the umpires."

So a man is walking home one night, and he hears an odd noise behind him.

*bump* *bump* *bump*

He looks back, and through the dark and the gloom, he can make out the image of an upright wooden coffin next to one of the trees. Slightly disturbed, he turns and keeps walking.

*bump *bump* *bump*

He stops. He looks back over his shoulder. The coffin is still there... but against a different tree. Surely it didn't move.

He walks forward.

*bump*

Looking back... the coffin is closer now. Terrified, the man turns and bolts.

*bump* *bump* *bump*

He looks back over his shoulder while running, and the coffin is bouncing along behind him.

*BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP*

He reaches his house, and tears open the door, locking it behind him... but the noise is coming up the steps... *BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP* ...and the coffin crashes through the door, lid clapping with each step.

The man rushes up the stairs, coffin just behind.

*BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP*

He runs into the bathroom, and locks the door. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in short, sobbing gasps.

*BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP* *CRASH*

The coffin breaks down the door of the bathroom. Terrified the man reaches around for something, anything to defend himself with. His hand falls on the heaviest thing in his cabinet - a bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition...


...and the coffin stops.

So St. Peter is hanging out at the Pearly Gates one day, and he's got a problem. Really, it's been nearly 2000 years, and he's /got/ to use the bathroom. So he's keeping his eyes open, and when he sees Jesus coming by, he waves the Son of God over. "Hey, Jesus, I need a favor. I /really/ need to use the restroom, can you watch the Gates of Heaven for me for a couple minutes?" Jesus, being the standup guy he is, is perfectly willing. "Certainly, but what do I need to do?" Peter says, "Well, here's the deal. When someone shows up, you need to find out some basic stuff - demographics and whatnot. Ask them their name, what they did in life... whether there's anything special about them. Then, you know, just figure out if they belong in here or not. You're the Son of God, you should be able to tell these things." Jesus thinks he can handle this, and Peter runs off to the restroom.

So Christ is all ready to go, he's got his legal pad and pen, he's looking forward to someone coming by - and in just a minute or two, someone does show up. Jesus clears his throat and looks out past the gate. "Yes, hello, name please?"

The man outside the gates takes a second, thinking, before answering in an elderly voice. "Well, I suppose in English the closest thing to my name would be Joseph." Jesus writes this down on his pad.

"What did you do in life, Joseph? What was your occupation." The man replies: "I worked with my hands - I was a carpenter." This goes down as well.

Jesus continues: "Is there anything special about you? Anything different that you did apart from everyone else?" The man thinks about this for a moment before answering. "I had a son... well, kind of. He wasn't /really/ my son, but I raised him as one, and he was very different. Kind of... special."

So Jesus looks back over his notes, considering. "Hmm... Joseph. Carpenter. Had a weird son." He looks up, peering through the gates at the man. Looks back at his notes. Looks back up at the man, and says, haltingly... "Dad?"

The man looks back through the gates. "Pinnochio?"

:D

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

An eight year old and a pedaphile are walking through a state park one night. Suddenly the kid hears an owl and gets frightened. He grabs the mans hand and says `im scared.`

The pedaphile squeezes the kids hand even harder and says, `Kid, youre scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!`

This is easily one of my favorite threads out there. I only wish I had something to contribute. :)

SI

Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.
--------------------------------------------
A child was misbehaving by protesting loudly and rudely, waving boards with crazy slogans on, while guests were visiting. He was punished for having mad banners.

Did you hear about the serial flasher who announced he was going to retire?

Well, after careful thought, he decided to stick it out for another year.

ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that were appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him 'A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.'


Oh yes I did. I went there and brought this thread back.

How to Catch a Polar Bear

Go out on a frozen lake and bring a saw and a can of peas.
Using the saw, cut a hole in the ice on the lake.
Place peas around the hole on the ice.
Wait for polar bear.

When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

Ere we go again!

I believe one should always have three clean jokes at the ready. Here's one of mine:

A small turtle is sitting way out at the end of a branch, staring down at the ground several feet below. All at once he takes a deep breath... and leaps off the branch, madly flapping his arms and legs until he crashes to the ground below.

The turtle regains his composure, shakes off the dirt and grass and stumbles back to the tree trunk. He then begins, slowly and amid many false steps, climbing back up the tree. It takes him an agonizing two hours to get back up to that branch since turtles obviously don't climb trees very weel.

He climbs back out to the perch at the end of the branch, stares down and, once agains, leaps off. Again he flutters his arms and legs and again he crashes to the ground.

After another few minutes of clearing his head and dusting himself off, he begins the climb up the tree. Again! This cycle repeats itself three more times, each time resulting in the turtle plummeting down and slowly, climbing back up the tree.

In a nearby branch, two birds are sitting watching this unfold before them. Each time they wince with pain as the turtle falls from the tree. Finally, the male bird turns to the female and says...





"I think it's time we told Junior he was adopted."

Jokes that actually turn into statements




Three guys walk into a bar, the first one orders a martini.

A guy is sitting at a bar, drunk. Finally the bartender figures he's had enough, so he goes over and nudges the guy to tell him to go home. As soon as he's touched, the guy falls off his stool and onto the ground.

The bartender says "OK buddy, get up". The man tries, but can't even get to his feet. Eventually the bartneder picks him up and sets him upright, only to see him topple over immediately. The bartender tries a few times and gives up in disgust. Finally the bartender drags the poor guy across the floor, out the door, and tosses him in the back of his car. He asks him where he lives and drives him home.

When they pull into the driveway, the bartender opens the door and the guy falls out onto the pavement. He tries one last time to pick the guy up, and when he collapses again the bartender has had enough. He goes to the man's front door and pounds on it until his wife answers.

"Lady," says the bartender, "I got your husband here, and I have to tell you he's the most pathetic drunk I've ever seen."

The wife looks out at her husband and says "Fine, but where the hell's his wheelchair?"

(This works best if you read the dialogue in a French accent!)

Two French soldiers got detached from the rest of their regiment in the Vietnamese jungle in the 50s, without food or water. Soon they were thirsty and starving, and beginning to depair.

As they crawling through the undergrowth, the lead soldier suddenly stops and starts sniffing the air frantically. His colleague asks 'What is it Jean Pierre? What is it?'

Jean Pierre answers 'Alain, we are saved! Follow me! I smell a bacon tree!'

Alain replies 'Jean-Pierre you are going crazy with no food and no water - there is no such thing as a bacon tree!'

'Alain, trust me! I smell a bacon tree!' and rushes off into the jungle.

Alain follows in desperation, and catches Jean-Pierre sniffing the air again: 'Alain, come! The bacon tree, it is this way!' and runs off again.

They come to a clearing in the jungle and Jean Pierre points excitedly 'See! Alain! I told you - there it is! The bacon tree!' and dashes out of the trees.

As soon as they get into the open, they are met with a hail of rifle fire, but luckily the shots miss and they are able to dive back into the undergrowth.

Alain gasping for breath, says 'Jean-Pierre, you fool! That is not a bacon tree...











It is an ham bush!'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?























The wheelchair.

A termite walks into a bar and says 'Excuse me, where is the bar tender?'

I've been sent this today, and can't believe I haven;t heard it before, so apologies if this is old to you guys:

Michael Caine is having a part at one his mansions in the swinging 60's.
John, Paul, George and Ringo are there, as well as Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, and John Densmore, plus loads more of A-List celebs and loads of beautiful woman models.

At about 11 o’clock Jim Morrison says ‘Ah man, I’m tired – I’m going home’. Michael Caine replies ‘Please don't go yet Jim, here how about I get one of these models to take you into one of the bedrooms for a BJ’. ‘Alright man’ replies Jim, ‘but only as long as she does the rest of the band’!

Michael says fair enough, finds a spare girl, has a quiet word and off she goes with Jim and the others.

About an hour later the model is still in the bedroom with the band when Ringo Starr walks in. ‘Alright love, would you mind doing me as well?’ he asks. ‘Sure, why not?’ the model replies and takes his zipper down.

She's been going at it for five minutes when Michael Caine kicks the door open grabs the model by the hair and shouts ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing? You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!’

I once stalked a girl in high school..........

This is still one of my favorite threads even a year later. :)

SI

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did y'all hear about the one legged woman who was trying to get a job as a waitress?






She wound up getting hired on at IHOP.

What's brown and sticky?














A stick.
What's green, has four legs, and could kill you falling out of a tree?














A pool table.

What is OJ Simpson's internet address?


Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash escape

And her name was Eileen.