ZFL Season 5 begins!
 

Season 5 Schedule
* Must-see matchups in bold

Week 1:
FG vs EP
SA vs CH - The battle for #2 in week 1?
LA vs BH
PT vs AQ
LR vs CN
KX vs MW

Week 2:
LR vs EP
PT vs KX
LA vs MW
SA vs CN
FG vs AQ
CH vs BH

Week 3:
KX vs EP
LR vs MW
PT vs CN
LA vs AQ
SA vs BH
FG vs CH

Week 4:
AQ vs EP
BH vs CN
CH vs MW - Testing the Muscle Men's Mettle
FG vs KX
SA vs LR
LA vs PT

Week 5:
PT vs EP - Are the Busters ready to play?
LR vs LA
KX vs SA - Contenders collide
MW vs FG
CN vs CH
AQ vs BH

Week 6:
CH vs EP
FG vs BH
SA vs AQ - This one's always close
LA vs CN
PT vs MW
LR vs KX

Week 7:
SA vs EP
LA vs FG
PT vs CH
LR vs BH
KX vs AQ - QB Wars
MW vs CN

Week 8:
LA vs EP
PT vs SA
LR vs FG
KX vs CH
MW vs BH - Deciding the middle ground
CN vs AQ

Week 9:
CN vs EP
MW vs AQ
KX vs BH
LR vs CH
PT vs FG
LA vs SA - Is this the championship?

Week 10:
MW vs EP
KX vs CN
LR vs AQ
PT vs BH
LA vs CH - Or this?
SA vs FG

Week 11:
BH vs EP
CH vs AQ - Or this?
FG vs CN
SA vs MW
LA vs KX - And you know this game will mean something.
PT vs LR

Schlereth's 2005 Picks
*The predictions and opinions presented by Mark Schlereth do not necessarily reflect the predictions and opinions of the FOFC, the ZFL, ZFL general managers, or the commissioner.

Los Angeles: 10-1"The defense goes all the way this year, and with those two OTs blocking for a beefed up passing game and a rookie sensation at runningback, the only ingredient missing for an undefeated season is a star QB."
San Antonio: 10-1"You heard it here first: Los Angeles no longer has the best defense in the ZFL. If San Antonio had any kind of passing attack at all, the Margaritas would be the champs instead of L.A."
Chicago: 8-3"The Eagle offense will not stop. But picking last in the draft has pushed Chicago back down into the pack."
Knoxville: 8-3"Rookie CB Deion Jackson should help the Redneck's ailing defense, and the offense should continue to rock. Knoxville is a bit of a wild card that could push for title contention."
Albuquerque: 7-4"The Isotopes are a better team than last year after this draft, but I thought they overachieved last season. I don't think Capital City Goofball can do it again. However, with Sizzlack, AQ could surprise many and win it all."
Milwaukee: 7-4"Injuries have slowed the Muscle Men's progress, but the Milwaukee D is starting to look intimidating."
Birmingham: 6-5"The Olympians will be feisty. I don't think the former champs are happy about dropping back to the middle of the pack, but I don't think they're ready to rise up, either."
El Paso: 4-7"Perhaps it's still a bit early, but the Busters are going to make a rise. And it won't be a slow ascent. QB Ryan Leaf might be the most underestimated QB in the league. With a little more protection, maybe a WR or two, he could general this defense-studded team to great things. Wait a minute, the Busters drafted an OT and WR. Watch out, league."
Portland: 4-7"The Sea Biscuits are stumbling right now, but Paddy O and what may be the best WR tandem in the league should keep Portland out of the basement."
Little Rock:3-8"The Slick Willies are also a team rising, though gradually. I really like their rookie DT, and Rajah looks prepped for another great year."
Fargo: 2-9"Fargo continues to struggle on draft day, making their climb out of the league's cellar that much slower."
Cicinnati: 0-11"Don't get me wrong--they had a great draft. Though I don't know why they went with OLB instead of a direly needed MLB. The Chaps are laying a foundation for great years to come. Just give it a while."

The other "experts" pick:

Dan Patrick:
Champion: "Chicago - The champs are still the champs until they're beat."
Upstart: "Milwaukee - With Bullseye set to retire, the Muscle Men reclaim the beach."
MVP: "HB Randy Steele, Chicago."
Rookie to watch: "CB Patrick Surtain, MW"

Ron Jaworski:
Champion: "L.A. - The Stars are due."
Upstart: "Albuquerque - Last year was no fluke."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ - He's the best flamethrower in the ZFL."
Rookie to watch: "DT Henry Blitzen, LR"

Merril Hodge:
Champion: "Knoxville - Last year's rookies translate into this year's champs."
Upstart: "El Paso - Ryan Leaf is going to surprise people."
MVP: "QB Thumbless Jackson, KX"
Rookie to watch: "Knoxville's CB Deion Jackson is going to get some picks while other teams pass to catch up."

Terry Bradshaw:
Champion: "LA - Because defense wins championships."
Upstart: "Milwaukee - Same reason."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ - Because QBs win MVP."
Rookie to watch: "HB Rodney Dangerfield, LA - lookin' fine in camp."

Howie Long:
Champion: "San Antonio - Defense is up, offensive line is awesome. M&M boys garner a title."
Upstart: "El Paso - They're too good for a second year squad."
MVP: "MLB Ray Lewis, SA - He's playing just as well as Brad Pitt, if not better."
Rookie to watch: "OG So and So, CN"

Michael Irvin:
Champion: "Knoxville - Aerial assault, baby!"
Upstart: "El Paso - Leaf to Carruth. I like it."
MVP: "JJ, WR, Knoxville"
Rookie to watch: "WR Rae Carruth, EP."

Tony Cornheiser:
Champion: "Albuquerque - Sizzlack goes all the way."
Upstart: "Birmingham - On the rebound"
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ"
Rookie to watch: "CB Patrick Surtain, MW"

Brawny Mike:
Champion: "L.A. - 11 games, 8 shutouts. Defense rules."
Upstart: "Milwaukee - Dan Marino, Jr. can push this team upward even more."
MVP: "MLB Brad Pitt, LA"
Rookie to watch: "CB Patrick Surtain, MW"

Scrawny Mike:
Champion: "L.A. - I also like the Stars. I think the O is going to surprise people."
Upstart: "Little Rock - Maybe not 9-2, but even 6-5 would be an upstart for the Willies."
MVP: "HB Rajah Saleem, LR - Time he gets some respect."
Rookie to watch: "DT Henry Blitzen, LR"

Denny Green:
Champion: "San Antonio - Too much runnin', too much defense."
Upstart: "El Paso - You know it."
MVP: "HB Mutt, San Antonio."
Rookie to watch: "WR Ashton Kucher, LA. He's gonna shock some people."

10-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana:
Champion: "L.A. - Because Brad Pitt filmed a movie near here."
Upstart: "Birmingham - The former champs had an off year last year. They'll be back."
MVP: "MLB Brad Pitt, LA"
Rookie to watch: "DE The Answer, CH. Man, he's fast!"

Die Schlereth. I'm sending Erik and his new buddy Herman the Hamster to beat you down.

Portland's tired of being a league whipping boy.

I'm ready to prove the experts wrong! Bring on the season!!!:D

Awesome preseason coverage, Rev! Should be a fun season.

That 10 year old is one smart kid!

Best pre-season coverage yet.

Last minute breaking news....

STRATFORD, IOWA - "As the ZFL moves toward kickoff, final roster cuts have come in to the league's central office; as have several retirement notices. Of particular note:

- San Antonio's all-star tackle, 38-year-old Lard Ass announced his retirement.

- Knoxville's all-star halfback and former ZFL rushing leader Robby 'Action' Jackson announced his retirement. Jackson is 35.

- Milwaukee has released cornerback JeeberD, thus freeing the current El Paso native to manage the El Paso Busters without conflict of interest.

- Fargo's former secondary of disrepute, Safety Burned Deep and Cornerback Burned Deeperer have been released. This follows Fargo's previous release of CB Burned Deeper, thus "deep"-sixing the entire crew."

At least the new guys are younger and in better shape to be burned deep and deeper longer than the last two. Damn my drafts struggle.

And Antonio De La Tonio returns for yet another season of pounding!

Dola.

Question for you rev. Are there hard caps on player's level of improvement, or is it all a matter of chance?

Great question! At first, I thought I would limit it. "A player can only achieve a 15 rating." But the first player to challenge that was an offensive lineman. So I decided....nah, we'll let him go. The highest a player could possibly achieve is an 18, but that's highly unlikely. We have a player in the league that is a 17. If a QB ever reaches that high, I might have to reconsider. But for the time being, I've set no cap beyond what is mathmatically possible.

The only "cap", so to speak, on player improvement is set by their age. Once a player reaches a certain age, I stop drawing the rook cards for improvement. They are considered "at their peak". That peak period lasts several years, then I start drawing for their decline.

I have the following players available for trade.

Name your price:

30 C Adam Sandler-HB
23 C+ Arnold Schwartzeneggar WR
24 C+ Jerry Seinfeld HB

In particular, Arnold and Jerry are both still very young and should be able to hit the B- -> B area by the time they hit their peak playing days.
Adam Sandler will come pretty cheap since he is 30 years old already.

Because the season is about to start, I'll make an exception to my usual "no interference" rule. Portland, El Paso, you may want to consider Seinfeld. As for WR Arnold "The Governor" Schwarzeneggar, there may be several teams interested. But warning, Marmel, these players won't offer much of an upgrade for anybody. A minimal upgrade at best.

We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast...

Awesome pre-season coverage. Merrill, Howie, Mikey, and Denny are now my favorite sportscasters... :D

Let's get this season going!

Look for week 1 results to go up later today (read: shameless bump so I can find this thread when I have to cut and paste later). Methinks we may have a season full of surprises. And holy $%#* does the Margarita defense look frightening...

But then again, will ANYONE be able to stop Moe Sizzlack? Look for all passing records to fall again at the hands of 'Kid Gruesome'.

The cuts are all in, I believe, so any trading that will affect starting lineups needs to be done quickly. I've never set a trading deadline before, but I am going to arbitrarily state that week 3 is the deadline. When I post week 4's results, it's over -- all further trading must be reserved for the offseason.

Week 1 results

"The kickoff for season 5 of the ZFL began in Title-town, as the mighty Margaritas rolled into Chicago, home of the two-time ZFL champs.

What the game lacked in fireworks, however, it made up for in awesome defensive play. For the Eagles, rookie DE The Answer matched up with San Antonio's rookie OT Alys Liston TwoRev, and the defense won the day. Answer beat Alys around the corner often, and recorded 2.5 sacks.

But when you talk about defensive rookies, you must mention Margarita DT monster, Aragorn. The rookie rolled over Eagle OG Mark Sheet, stuffing Randy Steele in the backfield 3 times. And with DEs All Pro and Ray O.Light on the outside, the best defensive line in all of football blew up the former champs, demolishing the heralded offense. Randy Steele was stopped in the backfield 8 times, was held to fewer than 80 yards rushing, and Mike 'Air' Marino was sacked 5 times.

The Eagle offense went nowhere. Meanwhile, San Antonio wore down the clock with the M&M boys running behind one of the best offensive lines in football, and San Antonio make a BIG statement, pounding the Eagles, 21-0."

*****
"And speaking of big statements, what in the heck has happened in El Paso? The faltering Fargo 'Fish walked into Texas, and left beat up worse than the men guarding the Alamo.

The only offense Fargo managed to muster was Star HB Glutton for Punishment, who tallied 104 yards of combined offense and a score. But as El Paso's bash-backers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts pounded Glutton, he coughed up the ball twice, one fumble recovered in the endzone by Buster DT Danny Noonan. Safety Patrick Bates grabbed a pair of INTs, and Fargo never recovered from the turnover deficit.

Meanwhile, the El Paso offense lit up the sky, scoring 21 points off turnovers to add to Noonan's 7. But even there, they didn't stop. QB Ryan Leaf threw for 330 yards and 3 TDs on the day, including 2 to rookie Rae 'I'm innocent!' Carruth. FB Powerhouse Rashaan Salaam pounded in two more TDs, one behind OG Eugene Chung, and one off rookie tackle Billy Milner.

El Paso opens up the floodgates and drowns the Crawfish, 42-7. Heads up, ZFL!"

*****
"Offense was all over the place in this week's games, but just as San Antonio put the D to Chicago, Los Angeles notched up the D against another former champ, Birmingham.

In fact, this game was all defense. For the Stars, DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire raced around the outside, and Brad Pitt fired up the middle, giving the Stars 6 total sacks. The secondary recorded 2 INTs, and the Birmingham passing game didn't manage 100 yards. League MVP Brad Pitt picked up where he left off, recording 1.5 sacks, 13 tackles, and 2 passes defended. The running game didn't go anywhere for the Olympians either.

But Birmingham brought their defense as well, and before San Antonio brags about having the best defensive line, they had better give some props to Birmingham. L.A.'s QB Bernie Mac was hurried 14 times, sacked 4 times, and thrice did BH DT Hera bat the pass back in Bernie's face. Nothing worked in the air, and there was no running up the middle against the BH DT powerpair, Hera and Maximillion Powers.

In fact, the only notable offense on the day was a well-timed draw as LA OT Freddie Prinze, Jr. sealed off the rushing BH DE Atlantis, freeing rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield to sprint through the gap, spin around aging OLB Arkantos, and streak 34 yards to the endzone. It would be the only score. L.A. 7-0."

*****
"But enough about defense. The Little Rock/Cinci game didn't feature any!

The Chaps had absolutely no answer for Rajah Saleem, as the streaking runner sliced open Cinci for 265 yards and 4 TDs. Fantasy MVP Saleem looks to make his owners deliriously happy again this year. Little Rock timed the play-action well also, and QB David Slinger had an efficient day: 15-21-199-1.

The Little Rock defense, however, struggled to slow down a freight train named Bubs. The Cinci halfback powered behind OGs Stinkoman and #1 draft choice So and So. Little Rock's less than stellar linebackers couldn't wrap up Bubs, and the Cinci back totalled 141 and 2. FB Pom Pom added another.

Other notable performance - former first rounder, LR CB Tommy 'TNT' Toothpick made good in his first start, grabbing an INT and defending a pair of passes.

Cinci showed some spunk, but the day belonged to Rajah. Little Rock wins, 35-21."

******
"Yet let's not crown the fantasy king just yet. Albuquerque's Moe Sizzlack will vie for that title. Against Portland, who is strong up the middle, but weak on the outside and in the secondary, Sizzlack was untouchable.

But first, let's talk Sea Biscuit. Portland's offense had a fair day, as Antonio De La Tonio (quite possibly the oldest HB ever) found enough room behind his stellar offensive line to grab another century game, 112 yards and a score. QB Paddy O played well at first, but had to play too much catchup at the end. Paddy's numbers: 25-48-301-1-2.

Portland's powerful DT duo, Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto put the brakes on Albuquerque's running game. But the Isotopes ran several roll-outs, bootlegs, and even an occasional option play to get to Portland's weak outside. Consequently, Moe Sizzlack threw for 501 yards. Yes. 501. And 4 touchdowns. Who is the fantasy god now?

Albuquerque flashed their MVP candidate, taking out Portland, 28-14."

*****
"ESPN chose to show Knoxville take on Milwaukee. And once again, the offenses flashed some muscle. These two teams seemed to pick up where they left off last year, Milwaukee punishing people with the run and Knoxville givin' the business every which way they can.

For the Rednecks, HB Leon Jackson found lots of room in the middle, waltzing behind OG powerhouse Fort Sumter Jackson and his counterpart, Lee Davis Jackson. Milwaukee's DTs looked helpless to stop the onslaught as Leon ran for 172 yards and a pair. Leon's running also helped the passing game. 'Thumbless' didn't put up big yards, but the play action netted him 3 TDs. JJ had a good day as well, garnering 94 yards and a pair.

But if Milwaukee was helpless to stop the Redneck running, Knoxville looked like the little man on the beach against the Muscle Men's ground game. Milwaukee's Ricky "The Answer" Williams ran off OT No Sacks Allowed and FB Bulldozer powered up the middle, shedding KX MLB Tucker Jackson like water off a duck's back. Both of Milwaukee's power backs topped the century mark, and they totalled 3 scores.

In the battle of rookie CBs, however, Knoxville's Deion Jackson played a better game than MW's Patrick Surtain, and Deion's 2 INTs off MW rookie QB Dan Marino, Jr. helped seal Milwaukee's fate. Knoxville wins, 35-21."

When does the next draft start?

Best. Game. Ever. :D

Great start to the season. I just hope we didn't use up all our points in the first game...

Not soon enough.

Good game Marmel!

dola-

Marmel, what positions do you need, as I'm very interested in the WR....

My biggest needs at this time would be:

OG
DT
FB

Please PM an offer with the players age and Grade. Thanks!

Wow, I suck. Another Birmingham?

PRESS RELEASE

Milwaukee - GM DolphinFan and the Milwaukee Muscle Men announce the hiring of a new Head Coach, Dan Marino. When asked what was the reason behind former head coach C.J. Wolf's firing, DolphinFan had this to say.

"C.J. did a good job for us. He turned around an 0-9 first year into a 7-4 record last season in only our 4th year. We just thought with Dan's son coming in, it would be better to have a change of direction."

Stay tuned as this will certainly be a hot topic during the coming season.

Week 2 results

"The 0-1 Eagle offense faced a tough team to try to bounce back against when they traveled to Birmingham to take on the 0-1 Olympians. Birmingham boasts perhaps the best d-line in the ZFL, and Chicago's Mike 'Air' Marino wouldn't get a spare second to think as the Olympians kept the pressure on all day.

BH DT Hera continued to smash through the interior, crushing Marino for 3 sacks and several hurries.

But while the passing game was neutralized, the best pulling guard in the game, CH OG Tom Sanders swept outside and cleared a path for HB Randy Steele to turn on the jets. Chicago backs Steele and Hackenstein dished out the damage, keeping the Eagles in it with three scores.

Chicago would need a lot more than that, however, to keep up with Birmingham. Ancient HB Artemis followed equally ancient OG Dionysus and young stud, OG Another Troy for 97 yards and a pair of TDs. Artemis' ground attack opened up the play action, and BH QB Zeus Reloaded played brilliantly. 'ZR' hit favorite target WR Revrew for TD passes of 13, 8, and 41 yards. The Rev finished with 11 catches for 144 yards and 3 scores.

Birmingham clips the Eagles in a battle of former champs, 35-21."

*****
"After being whipped by El Paso last week, Fargo (0-1) was forced to trod into Albuquerque (1-0) to face what seemed certain death.

The game, however, was a closer match than many anticipated. The Isotopes showed some weakness in the middle, and Fargo's HB Glutton for Punishment began slowly piling up the yards and ticking seconds off the clock. First down after first down, Glutton gobbled up 139 yards before the afternoon was over.

But though Fargo put up the numbers, Albuquerque kept pace with two Sizzlack TDs and a TD run by the talented but unheralded HB Guy Incognito. Perhaps a better receiver than runner, Incognito nonetheless has proven a big part of Albuquerque's success. In fact, with the score knotted at 21 all, Incognito turned a 3-yard screen into a 38-yard TD, putting the Isotopes up for good.

After an AQ safety Troy McClure INT, the Isotopes added a garbage score, and Albuquerque wins, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of certain slaugter, you've got to feel bad for Cincinnati (0-1) walking into red hot San Antonio (1-0).

Though he ran well last week, Cinci's HB Bubs ran into a monster in the middle, SA MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis notched 16 tackles, 1 forced fumble, and an INT on the day. Meanwhile, SA DE All Pro picked up a pair of sacks, and San Antonio obliterated another offense for the second week in a row.

While the Cinci O was licking its wounds, San Antonio ate away the clock with the M&M boys, Mutt and Metalhead, following two young OG roadgraders, Lone Star and Pancake.

In the second quarter, exciting WR Primetime burned CN safety Pan Pan for a 72-yard TD streak, and San Antonio wins it easy, 28-0.

Notice that's 2 shutouts and counting for the Margaritas."

*****
"That's it for blowouts, however, as our remaining three games came down to the wire. In Milwaukee, the 0-1 Muscle Men welcomed the 1-0 L.A. Stars.

Brutal. Brutal is the only way to describe the ground battle between Milwaukee's dynamite running duo and L.A.'s trumpeted defense. MW FB Bulldozer exposed the tiring legs of the not-so-ageless wonder, LA DT Ed Norton, and the 'Dozer gave the Muscle Men 14 points. LA isn't used to giving up that many; could they retalliate?

LA HB Rondey Dangerfield attempted running outside off his two great OTs, but Milwaukee's all star DE Rocky and OLB Superman cut down L.A.'s rookie before he could get past the line of scrimmage. Nothing doing.

LA would need some air power to win this game. Rookie WR Ashton Kucher gave it to them. 9 cathes for 155 yards and a TD for the rook. One of his catches set up a ground score, and with the seconds waning down, the contest was tied 14-14.

Rather than forcing rookie QB Dan Marino Jr. to win it in the final seconds through the air, with 75 yards to go against the Star Crunch, Milwaukee hoped to send it into overtime and their all-star kicker, Bruce Handily.

But on the MW 25, as Dan Marino Jr. spun to hand the ball off, a streaking LA MLB Brad Pitt timed the count perfectly and rammed him from behind. Instead of being placed securely in HB Ricky William's gut, the ball was thrust into William's knee, and it careened freely into the air. Just then, a blitzing DE Toby McGwire reached up and plucked the fumble before it hit the ground.

McGwire never looked back. 25 yards into the endzone as the clock expires, and LA saves the game with a last second defensive TD! LA wins the heartstopper, 21-14."

*****
"Speaking of heartstoppers, we go to Portland where the Knoxville Rednecks (1-0) had to face their nemesis, a team that seems to beat them unexplainedly, the 0-1 Sea Biscuits.

Just like last year, the defenses took back seats to two suddenly explosive offenses. Knoxville's 'Thumbless' Jackson walked all over Portland's aging, mediocre secondary, tossing 358 yards and 3 scores. The passing attack set up a pair of ground punches, too, and Knoxville was looking good with 35 points.

Or were they? PT OTs Lothar von Richthofen and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro gave QB Paddy O'Leary all day to shoot the breeze himself. And with wideout Manfred von Richthofen on fire, Portland put up some numbers themselves. Richthofen caught 14 passes for 221 yards and 3 TDs. Suddenly, Portland was right in it.

With all the passing going on, Antonio De La Tonio was happy to trot along behind OG Erik Flamebeard, as the Itallion Stallion galloped for 101 yards and 2 scores.

At the end of regulation, the score was tied, 35-35. Bring on the kickers! Introducing Portland's Bob Sunesson (new to the Sea Biscuit starting lineup) against Knoxville's Eli Manning. The contest? A distance triathalon. Each kicker would throw a football, a baseball, and a paper airplane. The winner in two of three tosses would take home the game for his respective squad.

It was no surprise to see Eli Manning chuck the pigskin better than Bob, but in the paper airplane toss, Bob had the upper hand. It came down to the baseball. Standing at the 50, Bob threw his baseball into the second row of the upper deck. But Eli managed the fourth row, and Knoxville takes home the victory! KX, 38-35."

*****
"Now, El Paso (1-0) looked good last week. But would they have an answer for Little Rock's (0-1) Rajah Saleem?

Nope. Not even the bash backers could stop Rajah, who ran right past the heavy hitters and burst into the secondary for huge gains. Little Rock's QB David Slinger made the most of his running game, tossing for 262. WR Bruce Spinner caught a TD pass from Slinger, as the Slick Willies dished out some damage to the Buster D.

But the Buster offense, which scored 42 last week, stepped it up again. QB Ryan Leaf took to the air with quick passes designed to take advantage of Little Rock's weakness at LB and secondary. Outstanding LR DE L.L.JeeberD never got the chance to dirty Ryan Leaf's jersey as slants and outs piled up the yards. Leaf threw 54 passes, completing 37 of them for 309 yards. The scoring was spread out for El Paso, as Rae Carruth, Yatil Green, Ki-Jana Carter, and Rashaan Salaam all punched it over the plane.

In the fourth quarter, with the score tied at 28, an EP safety Patrick Bates INT gave the Busters the ball back with just a bit too much time. FB Rashaan Salaam punched the ball in, giving the Busters the win, 35-28."

*****
Commish's recap
2 and 0. Big numbers for the ZFL this week. In other words:

Los Angeles: 2 and 0.
Knoxville: 2 and 0.
Albuquerque: 2 and 0.

And how about San Antonio?: 2 wins and 0 points scored against.

Or...El Paso?? 2 and 0.

In fact, El Paso leads the league in points scored. Wasn't this a defensive squad? But then, if you realize that they played Fargo and Little Rock, it seems to make sense. El Paso will likely beat Cinci, too, and that only makes them 3 and 0. There are still 8 other games they have to play.

Speaking of 8, Moe Sizzlack has 8 TDs already. And 800 yards.

It's all in the numbers, baby. Next week? LA vs AQ on ESPN. Will Sizzlack fry the Star Crunch? Or will LA reduce Moe to a Fizzle?

And as for 2 and 0 El Paso...you've got Knoxville next week, boys. Welcome to the big leagues.

0-2 that sucks. Oh well, no where to go but up.

Wow, thank god for the defense!

Whew, that was a close one. It's good to see Leaf stepping up and playing well.

Undefeated, baby!!! Hey, I gotta say it before Knoxville tears me a new one next week...

0-2, nothing new here

*wonders why he didn't get the GOOD expansion team* ;)

Shorty:

The only reason is that you are the owner of a Cincinati football team. ;)

It's called having a superior GM... :D

Yeah, and if it wasn't for me giving you a huge bonus and then releasing you, you never would be where you are today. :(

Not to mention the money that you're paying me to wrestle for you... :D

Week 3 results

"Week 3 saw ties, upsets, and shockers. Pundits and predictors, from Connecticut to Montana watched agape as today's results poured in.

But before we get there, let's review the week's only blowout as expansion blues Cincinnati (0-2) visited the powerful offensive line in Portland (0-2).

OG Erik Flamebeard and OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro led the charge as Antonio De La Tonio continued his impressive (what some think will be his) "farewell tour". The horse piled up 169 yards and 3 TDs, primarily by bowling over Cinci's inept MLB, Homeschool Winner. Portland held the ball for 33 of the game's 48 minutes.

Cinci showed no slowing Portland's dynamite receiving duo either, as Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai each topped 100. Rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister joined the scoring by jumping on a pass to the flat and streaking 54 yards back the other way for a score.

Big win for Portland, 42-7."

*****
"The league's best two defensive lines faced eachother in what was sure to be a defensive battle. Birmingham (1-1) faced San Antonio (2-0), in a contest where the name of the game was field position.

Any Margarita attempts at deep passing were quickly stuffed by Birmingham's DEs Atlantis and Antoher Atlantis. OLB Arkantos patrolled the flat, Adysseus patrolled the middle, and San Antonio's Handoff King managed a pitiful 8-18-101.

But Birmingham's Zeus Reloaded was terrorized by SA DE All Pro, who ate rookie OT Cronus for lunch. ZR was held to an equally pitiful 6-15-82.

Instead, the two squads teed off on the line. SA-OG Lone Star vs. BH DT Maximillionn Powers. BH-OG Dionysus vs. SA-DT Sack U. Powercrunching up front. Fullbacks Hephaestus and Metalhead got a workout trying to make room for the Halfbacks. Without punting or special teams in the ZFL, the two squads ran back and forth across midfield like two tug-of-war squads.

The rugby scrum shifted San Antonio's way in the first, as the Margaritas finally scored on the collective 9th possession of the game.

In the second half, the outstanding Margarita O-line kept up the assault and slowly began pushing Birmingham backwards. On fourth and goal from the 2, Metalhead and Mutt followed veteran OT Not Quite As Chunky into a wave of Olympian jerseys. When the bodies were pulled out, San Antonio managed their second (and the final) score of the day. San Antonio wins the tug-of-war, 14-0."

*****
"We had three ties this week, and perhaps no one was ready for one of those to come when Chicago (0-2) visited Fargo (0-2).

Chicago, it appeared, thought they could wear down the Crawfish with the usual, steady diet of a well-balanced offense. But Fargo's CB F.Swaggs brushed off last season's injury and put the glove on aging Eagle vet WR, Jet. Mike 'Air' Marino had a hard time finding receivers open, especially with FG DT The Defense blocking his field of vision. In the early going, it was several 4-and-overs for the champs.

Fargo, meanwhile, took advantage of Chicago's three old men and a rookie on the outside, sending HB Glutton for Punishment off tackle Stud. At the half, Glutton had followed former Eagle, FB Ty Wick for 82 yards and 2 scores. Fargo, 14-0.

But in the second half, Chicago abandoned the air attack, and ground back into it on the ground. Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein began "hacking" up the Fargo defense, and each back contributed a score to tie it up.

Fargo managed to get one pass away to the young but butterfingered WR Tarek, setting up a go ahead TD by Ty Wick.

On the last drive of the game, Chicago gasped into overtime with a Randy Steele sweep behind the pulling master, OG Tom Sanders. Bring on the kickers!

Here Chicago's Little Foot was clearly outmatched by Fargo's fleet-footed acrobatic ace, Xsquared. Each kicker was set upon a zipline that extended from upper deck to upper deck. And as they "zipped" back and forth, they were supposed to fire footballs into the back of a pickup truck (hey, don't balk. Chevy paid the ZFL big money for the advertising). Fargo's Xsquared looked right at home on the high wire, tossing 7 pigskins into the pickup. Little Foot barely managed 2. In a colossal upset, Fargo takes away the win, 24-21!"

*****
"There's upset number one. But we ain't done. Moving on to Albuquerque, where the 2-0 Isotopes faced off against the 2-0 L.A. Stars.

As expected, the Star Crunch put the brakes on Albuquerque's running game. MLB Brad Pitt destroyed any running back that dared punch through the lilne, and safety Ray Liotta punished any attempt at moving outside.

Meanwhile, the L.A. running attack picked up some steam as rookie RB Rodney Dangerfield garnered an excellent day, rushing for 3 digits and 2 scores.

But AQ QB Moe Sizzlack is a god. Sizzlack played perhaps his best game ever. Though all-pro OT Ralph Wiggum and solid bookend Groundskeeper Willie kept the Stars at bay fairly well, Sizzlack stood tall in the pocket. Despite being crushed by LA DE Toby 'Spiderman' McGwire and pressured and popped by DE Robert DeNiro, Sizzlack got up to fire again. And Again. And though LA CB Paul Sorvino has consistently been among the league's best, the Sizzlack to Cheat connection proved too in sync. WR The Cheat caught 13 passes, and barn-burner Quagmire hauled in a pair of deep TDs. Sizzlack didn't put up giant numbers, but his accuracy and leadership showed him a giant among boys.

When Quagmire caught a 44-yard TD bomb in the 4th, it was all over. Albuquerque takes the win, 21-14."

*****
"Could Little Rock (0-2) follow the upset trend and take out Milwaukee (0-2)?

Rajah Saleem seemed to think so. Saleem found all the holes in the Milwaukee defense, following OT standout, Keith 'Slap' Slapinski and surprising young OG Rudolphy Rudy for yet another big game. And while MW rookie Patrick Surtain did a good job of scaring LR QB David Slinger away from favorite young target, WR Bruce Spinner, the old veteran Stuart Rembert showed why he's so beloved in Little Rock. Quietly amassing 12 catches for 138 yards and a score, Rembert gave Rajah a one-two punch that kept Milwaukee on their heels.

Milwaukee, however, ate up big chunks of yardage as well. HB Ricky 'The Answer' Williams followed star FB Bulldozer and tore through the Slick Willies' weaker linebacking and secondary crew. Ricky piled up an impressive 180 and 3. Rookie QB Dan Marino Jr. made pops proud with the first TD pass of his career, a 19-yard fade to WR Conan. But with the game on the line, tied 28-28, the Muscle Men needed a TD pass to avoid overtime. Marino dropped back, but young LR DE L.L.JeeberD looped up the middle and sent the game into overtime. Bring on the kickers!

Little Rock brought an old, but crafty veteran, Mr. Ed to center stage, where a billiards table was set up. Best 2 out of three, loser call, 8-ball or 9. Ed called eight, but soon succumbed to the slick-shooting Bruce Handily. 'I played pool all the time back in the day,' said Handily afterwards. 'Mr. Ed was behind the 8-ball from the first break.' After dropping the first match, Mr. Ed called for 9-ball, but Handily took that match, too. There was no third match as Milwaukee's kicker took the tourney and the game, MW 31-28."

*****
"Poor El Paso. 2-0 and host to the Knoxville Rednecks (2-0). But let's not extend the pity too soon. The fact of the matter is, Knoxville's defense is pretty average to poor, and the Busters lead the league in points scored. Hmmmm.....

Despite the rumor that El Paso is a defensive squad, there was no defense played on the field in Texas. QBs Thumbless Jackson and Ryan Leaf lit up the sky with fireworks that haven't been seen in El Paso since Gump Didrickson decided to use dynamite to take down his barn back in '64.

Knoxville struck first with a shot to JJ Jackson. Against the EP rookie, Bryant Westbrook, JJ had a stellar day. 192 and 3 scores for the Knoxville all-star. Young WR Luke Jackson struggled more, blanketed by EP safety Patrick Bates.

But El Paso answered with a well-orchestrated drive, capped off with a FB Rashaan Salaam TD plunge. Salaam would score thrice in the game, twice by ground and one in the air. Meanwhile, young OT Billy Milner showed Knoxville's vet DE Robert E. Jackson that the pup's got skills. If El Paso keeps up this pace, a person has to consider OT Billy Milner as a ROY candidate.

Back the other way, then again, then again, then again. By the time the smoke cleared, the two QBs had thrown for 750 yards combined, and the score was knotted at 35. Bring on the kickers!

For the second week in a row, KX K Eli Manning trotted out to center field. There he would match up against rookie EP kicker Scott 'Missin' Sisson in a no-holds barred rope-climbing match. First, up a 35-foot vertical wall. Then, arm-over-arm across a 20-foot span. Clambor down a rope ladder, and then finish by ascending a knotted rope to a platform where the first to ring the bell wins the match.

The two kickers raced neck and neck up the wall. They reached the top and sprinted to the span. Eli relied mostly on upper body strength, while Sisson turned backwards and used his feet to hold him to the rope. It was a great strategy, and Sisson gained a lead.

But then...on the rope ladder...true to his name, Sisson 'missed' a rung. His feet got tangled up and the crowd suddenly held its breath as it looked like he might fall. He saved his neck, but he lost some precious time. Eli Manning finished the course, and rang the bell just moments before Sisson. Manning and the Rednecks take the way-too-close victory, 38-35."

*****
Commish's recap:
"Good golly, what do we make of this? Has Chicago fallen from the top with perilous plunge? The Eagles are 0-3 with a loss to Fargo. It appears that age has finally toppled the two-time champs. Dan Patrick - you may take your head out of the sand now.

Knoxville, San Antonio, and Albuquerque are our clear favorites at this point. Knoxville looks as though they could falter, Albuquerque's defense is suspect, and San Antonio has zero passing game. Could these potential Achille's heels allow L.A. or Birmingham (or, dare I say, El Paso??) to crawl back in it? There's plenty of time left to find out!

In next week's matchup, Milwaukee can drive the nail in Chicago's coffin, but a loss would do big damage to the Muscle Men's hopes.

Strangely, the hottest matchup may be Albuquerque vs. El Paso. The Buster scoring machine against the unstoppable Moe Sizzlack. Will El Paso keep pace? Or, perhaps we should say, can Sizzlack keep pace?

Damn! Almost pulled it off....

Next week should be exciting. But I hope Bates can make up for Westbrook's lack of skill, otherwise the game won't even be close...

Eli...Eli...Eli...Eli

There's a new chant in Knoxville!

Finally a win.

We're better than someone!

Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo!

And

Fargo!

Wow... we are so close. :(

What's up w/ making my horse-placekicker play pool for the decision? :)

NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1!



Draft pick! ;)

Yeah, we finally beat LA! This might be the year we can finally beat Chicago, too.

You'll be second my friend. :rolleyes:

two tough losses... oh well

Week 4 Results
"Three close ones and three blow-outs this week, but don't think that the blowouts weren't interesting. In fact, the blowouts might be the most telling games of the week.

Nowhere is this more true than in San Antonio, where the undefeated and un-scored-upon Margarita defense got a real test against Rajah Saleem and the 1-2 Slick Willies.

On the Willies' first possession, they tried running inside. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U pushed Saleem backwards for a net gain of -4. In great field position, San Antonio took advantage with a HB Mutt TD.

On the Willies' second possession, they tried running outside, but SA DEs All Pro and Ray O. Light held Rajah to -8 yards.

When the Willies began to open it up with a little passing, Rajah found a few holes, but even those holes were filled by SA MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis had a career day, wrapping up Saleem for 18 tackles and forcing a fumble.

The Margarita madness continues as the San Antonio defense held Saleem to 49 yards rushing on 25 attempts. And though the Slick Willies did better in the air, it wasn't enough to crack the goalline. Doing what no one else has been able to do this season, San Antonio stuffed Saleem and shut out Little Rock, 28-0. That's four shutouts and counting..."

*****
"But before we herald the Margaritas as the best defense since the season 1 Eagles (remember how they shut out 8 straight games, and only allowed a score in the final game of the season??), the 2-1 Star Crunch put a hurtin' today on Portland (1-2), great offensive line or not.

LA MLB Brad Pitt almost equalled Ray Lewis' day, picking up 16 tackles and a sack. OLB The Real Gus added another 9 tackles, and though PT HB Antonio De La Tonio got through the line, he got no further. Zero tuddies for the Stallion today.

Portland turned to the air, and surprisingly, so did LA. But while LA's DE Toby 'Spiderman' McGwire kept PT QB Paddy O'Leary on his toes, Portland's lack of a pass rush (and LA's fantastic two OTs, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr.) gave LA QB Bernie Mac all day to pick his targets.

Bernie had the best day of his career, tossing 24-31-313-3. TD passes to WR Joe Pesci, rookie WR Ashton Kucher, and FB Jet Li.

The offense was a surprise, but the Star Crunch was back to old tricks, trouncing the Sea Biscuits by pitching a shut out of their own. LA Safety Ray Liotta added a pair of INTs to spoil PT QB Paddy O's day, and LA wins, 28-0."

*****
"Our third blowout came as Knoxville (3-0) did what Chicago could not, knocking off Fargo (1-2).

Fargo's HB Glutton for Punishment enjoyed a solid first half, running behind the powerful blocker, FB Ty Wick. Glutton finished with 100+ yards and 2 TDs. Late in the game, Ty Wick grabbed a TD score of his own.

But as Fargo fell further and further behind the charging Rednecks, they were forced to the air, and Glutton's running fell by the wayside. Knoxville put up 35 points in the first half alone as 'Thumbless' found JJ Jackson too much for Fargo's F.Swaggs, who appeared to still be suffering from last season's injury. JJ put up big numbers, catching 200 yards and 2 TDs. With the dominating air assault, KX HB Leon Jackson ground in a pair of rushing scores, and it was an ugly 35-14 at the half.

In the second half, Fargo tried to go to the air, but KX rookie CB Deion Jackson played an outstanding game, nabbed a couple of picks, and Fargo couldn't storm back. KX FB Samuel 'The South will Rise Again' Jackson got a TD to add insult to injury as Knoxville wins, 42-21."

*****
"The expected big scores didn't happen as Albuquerque (3-0) faced El Paso (2-1), but that doesn't mean the game wasn't exciting.

Albuquerque's ground attack was greatly frustrated as HB Guy Incognito ran into a buzzsaw in young EP MLB Brian Bosworth. The Boz shut down Incognito with 14 tackles and 2 forced fumbles.

But the big story was AQ safety Troy McClure stuffing the upstart EP QB Ryan Leaf. McClure hauled in 3 INTs in a game that saw several turnovers. El Paso safety Patrick Bates grabbed an INT, and several fumbles were tossed around in a game that see-sawed back and forth.

2 Sizzlack TDs and 2 EP FB Rashaan Salaam TDs left the game knotted at 14 in the fourth. But after Troy McClure's third INT and an outstanding return, Sizzlack hit HB Incognito for a 3-yard TD swing pass and Albuquerque wins a close one, 21-14."

*****
"Could the faltering Eagles (0-3) rebound against the Muscle Men (1-2)?

Not if Milwaukee's DROY candidate, CB Patrick Surtain had anything to say about it. Chicago's QB Mike 'Air' Marino was on the run today as MW OLB Superman and DE Rocky terrorized the QB with blitzes from every direction. The result was few completed passes and a couple of bad passes, two of which landed in Surtain's arms.

But Marino's younger cousin, MW QB Dan Marino Jr. had a tough day of it as well. Chicago's blazing young DE, The Answer, banged up the young QB with a piledriving sack early, and Marino Jr. had to be replaced with veteran QB, Bullseye.

Behind typical, Milwaukee power running, the Muscle Men were up, 14-0 at the half.

But in the second half, with Chicago's passing game out of commission, the Eagles turned to the ground and all-world OG Tom Sanders. Milwuakee's DTs proved no match for Sanders who pancaked power running pair, Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein to a big second half.

All the touchdowns in this game were on the ground, three each for these two dominant running teams. At the gun, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Milwaukee's Bruce Handily, widely considered among the league's best felt confident going into the stunt-kite dogfighting contest. The windy city provided the breeze, and Little Foot and Handily set kites armed with razors into the sky. The fans nearly panicked at the swooping lethal weapons zooming about the stadium (the ZFL legal committee had some harsh words for the Eagle overtime planning committee afterwards). After 4 minutes and 13 seconds of diving and spinning, Bruce Handily's kite undercut Little Foot's and snipped the line. Little Foot's kite tumbled to the ground along with Chicago's hope for a victory. Milwuakee wins, 24-21."

*****
"Lastly to Birmingham (1-2) vs. Cincinnati (0-3). The Olympian strategy was to power run behind guards Dionysus and young stud, Another Troy, then set up the play-action. The strategy worked reasonably well, especially as CN DT Eh, Steve! was clearly outmatched and MLB Homeschool Winner provided little support. HB Artemis put up 98 yards and 3 scores as the Olympians rolled.

But Cinci's HB Bubs enjoyed the gaps created by rookie dynamo, OG So and So and veteran stallwart, OT The King of Town. In fact, Cinci played a largely superior game, outgaining Birmingham by over 100 total yards. Bubs totalled 135 yards running against a great Birmingham defense, and he and FB Pom Pom scored thrice.

But timely sacks by BH DE Another Atlantis and OLB Arkantos put the Olympians in good field position, allowing Artemis to punch in his 3 TDs.

Cinci's passing game never really got going, and as a result, the Chaps couldn't top 21 points.

In the fourth, with the game tied at 21-21, Birmingham began a drive at their own 12. If they were going to drive for the win, it would have to be their longest of the day.

HB Artemis followed OG Dionysus for an 8-yard gain. Then, off young OT Cronus for 5. A ZR pass to WR Revrew picked up another 17. Steadily, Birmingham rolled downfield.

A screen to FB Hephaestus caught Cinci by surprise and lumbered for 23. WR Apollo caught a pass, Artemis picked up another first down, then QB Zeus 'ZR' Reloaded found favorite target, WR Revrew for the go-ahead TD. It proved the last TD of the afternoon as Birmingham survives a clearly improved Cinci squad, taking the game, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap:
"The way San Antonio and AQ QB Moe Sizzlack are playing, I can't wait until Week 6! The championship game may come early this year, when the Margaritas square off against the Isotopes.

But first, week 4 notes: Cinci plays a good game. They're still bottom of the league right now, but they're getting better.

Speaking of getting better, L.A. showed some real spark this week, and don't be surprised if the 3-1 Stars stick around in the title chase.

Great play by MLBs this week. Quiz- if you had to start a team with last year's MVP Brad Pitt, this year's monster Ray Lewis, or last years DROY Brian Bosworth, which would you choose? Tough choice.

Next week, the Portland/El Paso matchup looks interesting, and FOX will be broadcasting it. ESPN is showing KX/SA in a test for the two undefeated titans. But a person has to be intreagued about 0-4 Cincinatti getting a shot at 0-4 Chicago. Will the Chaps pull the upset and trash last year's champs turned this year's chumps? Or will Chicago finally get the win and send the expansion boys back down where they belong?"

I think LA's problem might be we peaked a year too early. The plan was to go undefeated this season, but since we had such a great year last year, we were stuck with a bad draft pick and did not really improve the team while others leapt over us. I was really counting on a middle first round pick this year.

I cannot complain, it is nioce to win more games then you lose. We came from the bottom of the league and do not taking any win for granted.

:)

WE BEAT CHICAGO!!!! WE BEAT CHICAGO!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

Bruce "I'll kick your butt" Handily is still undefeated. What a great draft pick a couple years ago.

Damn, back to back close losses to two of the better teams in the league. El Paso has some potential. I think in a couple of years we might be fighting for the top spot...

I personally think that the Cinci/Chicago game should be televised as it will be the fight for the number one pick. ;)

Swaggs' hair is starting to turn prematurely grey... :(

Astute and interesting observation. The way I've set up the draft, players impact suddenly and seriously. If your pick busts (see: Fargo, Portland) you fall hard, and if it breaks out (see: Birmingham's championship) you can make a sudden jump. Frankly, there is so much parity in the league in several ways (except the QB position. I keep thinking I should arbitrarily step in and overrule the Rook cards on that, but I have refrained thus far), that predicting teams' success (i.e. Schlereth) seems virtually impossible. I had NO IDEA San Antonio's D was going to be so awesome or that Moe Sizzlack was going to be so unstoppable. I had no idea how much aging could tear down a team (see: Chicago, L.A.'s slipping defense) once the ball really started rolling. And watch out, because guys in their late thirties will start plummeting hard, fast. Chicago is in a heap o' hurt for upcoming years.

I really thought L.A. would walk away with it easy this year, but they're staring up at a couple of solid ballclubs right now. We shall see...

Anybody who plays San Antonio's defense this year is going to go to an early grey. Keep scrapping, Swaggs. Draft busts and injury have hit you hard, but upward mobility is still very possible.

wow, that game was too close for confort.....

Good game shorty:)

Week 5 Results:

"Week 5 begins with Portland (1-3) hosting El Paso (2-2) in a game likely to have draft implications, if nothing else.

El Paso began their drive testing Portland's run defense. But FB Rashaan Salaam found PT DT duo Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto to be a stone wall in the middle. With MLB Sectoid Commander playing a solid game, El Paso's ground attack sputtered.

For Portland, the young but stellar offensive line opened up huge holes. HBs Antonio De La Tonio and Ron Dayne punched through the line of scrimmage ... but rarely got much further. The Buster bashin' 'backer brothers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts put the brakes on the Biscuit attack, and no Portland runner topped 6 yards on any single carry this afternoon.

While Portland's Ron Dayne did manage a TD score, the end result would be determined in the air. El Paso's QB Ryan Leaf found protection behind outstanding rookie, OT Billy Milner, and spread the ball well to WR Yatil Green (7-84), HB Ki-Jana Carter (6-45-1), and WR Rae 'I'm innocent!' Carruth (9-112-1).

But Portland's QB Paddy O' terrorized young EP CB Bryant Westbrook by hitting his two fantastic wideouts, Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai. ManChild Richthofen caught 13-159-1 while Ogadai hauled in 9-101-1.

The TD pass to Richthofen in the fourth proved the decisive score as Portland wins, 21-14."

*****
"In Little Rock, the struggling Willies (1-3) faced another of the league's best teams and best defenses in the Los Angeles Stars (3-1).

Unfortunately for the Willies, the Stars played like champions today, dominating in every aspect of the game. Little Rock's Rajah Saleem put up a score, and young DT Henry Blitzen played a fine game, bottling up the middle, but other than that, all the highlights belong to L.A.

No suprise that safety Ray Liotta, CB Paul Sorvino, and DE Toby McGwire put a stranglehold on Little Rock's passing game. And with Brad Pitt to keep Saleem in check, the L.A. defense was in top form.

But the big surprise was the Stars' increased offense, especially as the team learns to rely on their star bookends, OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. Rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield found room to run off tackle, totalling an eye-popping 167 and 2 TDs. (The ZFL's more open running game and tendency toward allowing big runs of 15 yards or more is really catching on with football fans. Today's backs, Rajah Saleem and Rodney Dangerfield, are happy to provide that kind of entertainment.) And with the running game in full force, QB Bernie Mac enjoyed a second straight solid outing, tossing TD strikes to both rookie WR Ashton Kucher and WR Joe Pesci.

L.A. puts up another statement game, downing LR, 28-7."

*****
"The Milwaukee (2-2) vs. Fargo (1-3) matchup matched a big runner--Fargo's Glutton for Punishment--against more of the same, MW's Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer.

Fargo's Glutton looked like a dog on a leash, strainging with the power to run free. But Fargo's aging O-line was not match for Milwaukee's linebacking corps (Zach Thomas and all-star Superman), who burst through any blocking scheme to collar the Crawfish's workhorse. Unfortunately for FG QB Killer, OT Harold "Slim" Stockwell looked like a revolving door against Milwaukee's star DE Rocky, who piled up 4 sacks all by his lonesome.

Milwaukee's game was a fair amount of same-old-same-old. Bulldozer up the middle for 6. Ricky off tackle for 7. Bulldozer for 5, Ricky for 4, Bulldozer for the first down. And good luck stopping them! Rookie QB Dan Marino, Jr. struggled a bit on the day, but still managed 200 yards.

In the end, the Muscle Men lived up to their name (at least in the running game), flexing it against Fargo, winning, 21-7."

*****
"Could the former champs (2-2 Birmingham) slow down Albuquerque (4-0) and the Sizzlack Express?

BH Safety Odyssues used his unusual speed to blanket the flashy AQ WR Quagmire, but BH CB Hades couldn't keep pace with the shifty WR The Cheat. Fearing Birmingham's fierce defensive ends, Atlantis and Another Atlantis, Sizzlack rifled the ball on short outs, slants, and buttonhooks to his favorite target. The Cheat hauled in 17 catches (a ZFL record), for 164 yards and 2 scores. Sizzlack to Cheat kept the drives alive, and AQ HB Guy Incognito drove for positive yards behind AQ's dominating OT Ralph 'Gig 'em' Wiggum. Wiggum played the best game of his career, manhandling Birmingham's dominant defensive line.

Birmingham took advantage of some weakness in Albuquerque's middle, driving HB Artemis behind OG studs Dionysus and Another Troy, but it wouldn't be enough to stop Sizzlack, The Cheat, and Wiggum. Albuquerque plays championship ball to beat Birmingham, 28-14."

*****
"Cinci (0-4) to take on the champs (the 0-4 Eagles). Somebody has to get a win, leaving the other as the last winless squad.

In the end, it was Cinci's weaknesses that cost them the game. DT Eh, Steve! and MLB Homeschool Winner were pushed aside like tissuepaper by the mighty CH OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein. With a huge hole in the middle, CH HB Randy Steele looked like last year's champ, tearing it open for 179 yards and 4, count 'em, 4 TDs.

Cinci's OGs Stinkoman and rookie So and So, however, dished out some damage themselves against Chicago's ancient defense, allowing HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom to pour in 3 TDs of their own. But Cinci QB James Earl Jones tossed a pair of INTs, and the defensive holes proved too costly. Shore up those holes, and it might have been a different game. But as it is, Chicago takes it, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of lasts, with Knoxville (4-0) in Margaritaville (4-0), the winner would join Albuquerque as the last of the undefeateds. The loser would get to join L.A. in the hunter's bracket.

The game itself was one for the ages. San Antonio broke out the M&M boys, determined to keep the ball away from the dangerous Redneck offense. The Margarita defense (who had yet to give up a point) played a solid, bend but don't break scheme that relied on MLB Ray Lewis to control the damage.

For Knoxville, the strategy was to attack the rookies and youngsters. DT Aragorn and DE Ray O. Light were subjected to heavy blows from OG Fort Sumter Jackson and FB Samuel Jackson. With an established ground game, Knoxville hoped to fool young SA safety Godzilla Blitz with play action. Would this be the strategy to knock off the Margarita D?

San Antonio's plan worked well as FB Metalhead blew up KX MLB Tucker Jackson, allowing HB Mutt to pick up the yards. Mutt topped 100 on the day and punched in 3 scores.

But Knoxville's DT Josiah Jackson also targeted a youngster, SA OG Pancake. The middle pressure kept QB Handoff King from seeing a clear lane, and an INT by rookie CB Dieon Jackson put the brakes on the Margarita air attack.

In the second quarter, the Margarita defense was finally broken. After pounding on the ground for several first downs, KX WR Jackson Jackson got behind SA CB Deflector and hauled in the TD.

JJ got another TD in the third, and HB Leon Jackson spun free from SA OLB Quick n' Mean's grasp, adding a third TD in the fourth.

At the gun, it was 21-21. Bring on the kickers! San Antonio's Eater of Sandwiches sat down with a transparent green visor to glare at Knoxville's Eli Manning for a game of blackjack. Cameras installed under the table looking up through plated glass gave the audience full view of the cards as a ZFL referee played house-rule, 17-hold, and each kicker was given $100 in a $5 ante, 12-minute overtime game of blackjack. Winner was the one with the most dough, or last to go broke.

Eli Manning has won a pair of overtimes for Knoxville this season, and he started out strong when he split a pair of Kings and came down with one winner and a blackjack. But a couple of busts around the 10-minute mark left him reeling. Eater of Sandwiches, at the 11:15 mark, doubled a $25 bet on a held 12, drew an 8, and made good with 20. On the last hand, with Eater at $115 and Manning at $125, bets were placed. Manning wagered $5, looking to preserve a win. But the crowd gasped as Eater put down the whole $115 in an all-or-nothing move to take the game. Eli drew to a held 20. Eater drew to a held 18. If the dealer drew to a held 17 or busted, Eater would win. Anything else, and it's Eli's game. The dealer had a Queen exposed. He turned over a 4. The crowd first buzzed, then hushed, as the ZFL official drew a card. He turned it over...and the crowd goes nuts! He drew a ..."

Ha. Suck it Swaggs. I just kicked your ass. Again. Does it ever get tiring for you in the ZFL or the JBL?

Pure evil. I think I'm 1-1 in these revrew string-alongs.
But Eli is 2-0 in OT this season.
My bet is on the bust.

Three in a row. Woo Woo!!

Revrew, you know people hate it when you leave the game up in the air like that.

Thre in a row. Damn....

I guess I was just getting my hopes too high after my fast start. The Busters certainly do need a few more pieces of the puzzle before we become consistanly good...

"10! He drew a 10! The dealer busts, so both Eater and Eli win their hands, Eli for a total of $130, but thanks to his gutsy move, Eater of Sandwiches brings home $230! San Antonio remains undefeated, taking the game, 24-21!"

*****
Commish's recap
"Big wins this week for Albuquerque and L.A., but especially big for San Antonio! Personally, I thought Eli Manning was the favorite, but Eater of Sandwiches pulls off the upset. Guts and glory fot the Sandwich man.

Chicago got their first win -- over an expansion team, yeeha. Are the Eagles really that bad? First to nearly worst? We might find out next week when the Eagles face another expansion squad, the upstart El Paso Busters.

And speaking of next week...Portland vs. Milwaukee on FOX - one of the ZFL's original rivalries. But on ESPN, get buckled for what some are calling this year's championship bout in only week 6 of the season! Undefeated San Antonio and the killer D vs. soon-to-be MVP Moe Sizzlack and the red hot Isotopes! Only one undefeated team will be left standing after next week. Which will it be?

The best matchup up the year may be just around the corner!"

My...heart...GASP!

I was hoping that I didn't have to rely on Eater of Sandwiches too much this year. He's getting old. Way to go! Great game!

Apparently, Eli didn't read Quiksand's Jeopardy strategy thread from a few months ago.

San Antonio is going down!

That is what I was thinking, NevStar. We need to send Eli to a gambling or game theory class one, but he's won two for us this season, so I can't complain too much.

Actually, all of those gambling theories in regards to Jeopardy don't apply exactly here. They's still be wise, and Eli probably should have followed them, but the possibility of a "push" and a dealer "blackjack" is different from Jeopardy.

With his betting strategy, he's protected from losing (even with a losing hand) in the cases of: Eater losing, dealer blackjack, or Eater pushing.

The only scenario where he loses out is Eater winning.

IF you figure the odds of Eater losing are 50%, Eli protected himself against better than 50% of the possible outcomes. Unfortunately, Eater beat the odds.

(But either way, I was making all the crap up anyways. The fact is, Eater of Sandwiches needed to draw a number smaller than 5 in the Rook cards, and he drew a 2. Eater wins).

I was just giving you a hard time rev. I know its all in the Rook cards.
And I know I appreciate the added flavor of the overtime descriptions. You've had to work overtime, yourself, this year to come up with the different contests.

Good game Albuquerque!:)

you guys are really good this year

dola-

Marm, is that WR that was on your trade block still available? If he is, what positions do you need?

digamma - Thanks for the affirmation. I've been shocked how much work this ZFL thing is, and it's good to hear a little luv.

Tuck - Trading deadline is past, but keep it in mind for the offseason.

Hopefully, the amazing week 6 up later today.

Take some more love rev. This dynasty is a great read...and nothing is more humorous than the overtime competitions.

We all luv you rev. If you need some help with this, I would be happy to 'sim' all of LA and Little Rock's games for you. :)

Week 6 Results:

"Week 6 was exciting where it was supposed to be exciting, and boring where it was supposed to be boring. Let's start with the latter.

Knoxville (4-1), always one of the league's top offenses, got the chance to tee off against Little Rock (1-4), perpetually one of the leagues worst defenses. At the same time, the league's best runningback, LR's Rajah Saleem, got to tee off against Knoxville's less-than-spectacular defense.

Little Rock's stratege was simple - run the ball to keep it away from Knoxville, and mix it up with the occasional playaction. The running worked, to the tune of 145 and 3 for Rajah. But many of those runs were long runs, and Little Rock couldn't hold the ball long enough to give their battered defense a rest. Meanwhile, Knoxville rookie CB Deion Jackson added another INT to his total, and the Little Rock passing game sputtered.

Knoxville's plan was to throw slants, screens, and flats to play to Little Rock's weak linebackers and secondary. They weren't going to give LR DE L.L. JeeberD or DT Henry Blitzen a chance to crush their star QB, 'Thumbless' Jackson.

It worked to perfection. 'Thumbless' completed a ZFL-record 45 passes for 410 yards and 3 scores. The pressure on the outside permitted some running as well, and the Jack-backs (is it okey to still use that term after Robby 'Action' Jackson retired?) punched in 3 more.

Knoxville pummels the outmatched Willies, 42-21."

*****
"Blowout number 2 came in Birmingham, where the former champs (2-3) lit it up against the visiting Fargo Fighting Crawfish (1-4).

Birmingham jumped out to a big lead early as BH QB Zeus 'ZR' Reloaded and his favorite aging target, WR Revrew took advantage of Fargo's young, mediocre secondary. Revrew caught 100 yards and 2 TDs in the first half as Birmingham jumped out to a 28-0 lead at the half.

A pair of fumbled caused on sacks by Atlantis and Another Atlantis kept Fargo in the hole early.

In the second half, Fargo QB Killer found veteran target Shane too much for BH CB Hades, and several deep strikes set up a pair of FB Ty Wick TD plunches. But it proved too little too late as 'ZR' throws for 300 and 3, and the Olympians win, 35-14."

*****
"Blowout number 3 comes as an expansion team takes several old-timer bully punches. Cincinnati (0-5) couldn't take the suddenly offensive onslaught of the L.A. Stars (4-1), who are battling to be considered the most fearsome squad in the ZFL.

Cinci managed an early TD run as HB Bubs followed rookie behemoth, OG So and So into the endzone. But after that, it would be all L.A.

2 sacks for LA DE Toby McGwire, 2 INTS for LA safety Ray Liotta, 12 tackles by LA MLB Brad Pitt, 2 TD passes caught by veteran WR Joe Pesci, 2 TDs by rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield, and L.A. puts up big numbers for the third week in a row. LA, 35-7."

*****
"Blowout number 4 also came in an expansion team game, but it happened in reverse. How far have the defending champs fallen? The 1-4 Eagles got trounced by a second year expansion franchise, the 2-3 El Paso Busters.

Chicago managed to move the ball some, but turnovers and an unstoppable offensive Buster squad put this game into the books early. Buster DEs Aundray Bruce and Eddie Lee Washington put the hurtin on CH QB Mike Marino, and El Paso safety Patrick Bates continued his outstanding year by pulling down yet another INT.

Meanwhile, rookie OT Billy Milner continued his bid for OROY by protecting Ryan Leaf, who tossed out a trio of TDs and set up a trio on the ground. Behind young, powerful FB Rashaan Salaam, EP HB Ki-Jana Carter put up his first 3 TD game, and the Busters were all over the Eagles. El Paso 42-21."

*****
"Our other games, however, came down to the wire, especially in Portland, where the 2-3 Sea Biscuits hosted old rival, the Milwaukee Muscle Men (3-2).

Milwaukee attempted (as always) to outmuscle the opponents, but Portland's DT duo, Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto, gummed up the middle. MLB Sectoid Commander played another fine game, and the Milwaukee offense couldn't grind out the overwhelming number of 1st downs that they're accustomed to.

Portland's offense, meanwhile, though they didn't put up many points, put up big numbers driving Milwaukee back into their own territory again and again. Driving up the middle behind OGs Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll, Antonio De La Tonio accumulated 85 yards and a score.

PT QB Paddy O'Leary discovered WR ManChild Richthofen even more electric than MW standout rookie CB Patrick Surtain, and the Paddy O to Richthofen combination poured in 156 yards. With Milwaukee leading 14-7 late in the game, Paddy O generated another long drive, and this time capped it off with a TD to WR Khan Ogadai. At the buzzer, 14-14. Bring on the kickers!

PT kicker Bob Sunesson would get his first shot against the seemingly invincible Bruce 'I'll kick your butt' Handily in a classic car drag race best of 3 down the interstate outside of Portland. Each racer was allowed to choose from among 5 classic cars for a hot quarter mile.

In race one, Sunesson chose a GTO and Bruce chose the Mustang. In a photo finish, Bruce picks up the first win, and Bob's behind the 8-ball. In race two, Bruce chooses the 'Vette, but Bob goes out on a limb and takes the unusual TRV. In a shocker, the TRV blows the 'Vette away, and we're down to the final race. In the final, Bruce chooses the '57 Chevy, and Bob continues his unusual choices by taking the old Jaguar. In a dead heat the two streaked toward the line, but the Chevy sputtered a bit at the end, and Jag sailed through the line smooth and clean. Call it beginner's luck, but Bruce Handily loses to young Bob Sunesson and Portland takes the game, 17-14."

*****
"And now, the big game. And you better believe it was close. The last two undefeateds, San Antonio and Albuqerque squared off to determine the frontrunner for the ZFL title.

There was no surprise as AQ HB Guy Incognito found it difficult to run against the Margarita monsters. Young DT Aragorn and DE All Pro put the brakes on almost ever Incognito run.

But since when did Albuquerque ever need to run to win a game? San Antonio does have a few weaknesses, especially at CB and OLB. AQ QB Moe Sizzlack found the weaknesses and exploited them mercilessly. Protected by OT Ralph 'Gig'em' Wiggum, Sizzlack hit WR The Cheat on the mid-routes and HB Guy Incognito in the flat for bigger numbers than San Antonio's given up all year.

But SA MLB Ray Lewis seemed everywhere on the field, pulling down receivers from behind, wrapping up runners in the backfield, and swatting away passes that could have left the game out of control. His presence allowed San Antonio to continue their patient, grueling running game. With only a few minutes remaining, HB Mutt punched in the score that tied things up, 21-21.

On what was sure to be their last possession, Albuqeuerque handed the ball away to Incognito, who picked up 12 behind Ralph Wiggum. On the next play, they tried the play action to Incognito to go to the air. But SA DT Sack U blew past AQ OG Clancy Wiggum, and destroyed Incognito. As Sizzlack turned out of the fake handoff to survey his receivers, he was crushed by a blitzing SA MLB Ray Lewis. The ball popped wildly into the air and Sizzlack crumpled to the ground, only to be snatched from the firmament by SA DE All Pro, who had been pushed to the outside. All Pro turned on the jets, and nobody could catch the speedy end. All Pro shakes a little bacon in the endzone as San Antonio wins, fittingly by a defensive TD, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
Hats of to San Antonio! With a win over AQ and a win over KX, the Margaritas are clearly in the driver's seat.

But wait a minute. They do have LA in week 9. I mean, if LA could win there....oh, goody, goody. We got some fun comin' now!

And O, how the mighty have fallen! Chicago looks like they may need reservations in the old folks home before this season is over. GM illinifan won the title last year, but it looks like he has mortgaged the team's future to do it.

Beyond halfway now. Who's leading for MVP? Sizzlack? Or how about SA MLB Ray Lewis? DROY? Try SA DT Aragorn. Or perhaps KX CB Deion Jackson?

Next week, Portland vs. Chicago should be a good one. But most of the eyes are on KX/AQ, where the winner will stay in the hunt, and the loser may have to settle for third at best."

Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2!

Pick! I've always wondered what it would be like to pick early without trading for it. ;) Stupid old, good for nothin......I mean......I said what I said.

Still.Alive.

<---------Dead

<--------Been Dead

I love seeing Chicago lose badly. Yay Busters :D

Wow. I was expecting to be dead by now.

Thanks for breaking my losing streak, illinifan... :D

Dola-

:D

Glad to make the fans happy...

Bah! Congrats to San Antonio. The Isotopes are the Colts of the ZFL.

Good work, Rev...

Poor work, Slick Willies...

Week 7 Results:

"Week 7 begins in Cincinnati, where the 0-6 Chaps are killing time until they can draft again with the #1 spot. Don't be surprised if a couple of years of drafting at the top doesn't send the Chaps up the ladder quickly. But until then...3-3 Milwaukee pulled up the banquet table to feast on the Chaps.

At the start of the game, however, it looked like Cinci was going to put up a fight. Milwaukee's blah DT duo, Godzilla and Sampson were clearly no match for CN OGs Stinkoman and So and So. Thougth Milwaukee's linebackers slowed down the works, Cinci opened the game with an 80-yard drive, topped off with a HB Bubs TD plunge.

Milwaukee then turned the ball over as CN CB The Blacksmith picked off a MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. pass. This time, CN FB Pom Pom followed OG Stinkoman in for the TD, and Cinci built a 14-0 lead.

But that was the end for the chaps. Milwaukee's Ricky 'The Answer' Williams streaked a 64-yard TD run, and the tide turned.

A MW DE Rocky sack slowed down the Chaps, and MW ate up the clock with their usual punishing ground attack. Cinci barely had any time to hold the ball the rest of the game as Bulldozer and Ricky Williams combined for 298 yards rushing and 4 TDs. Milwaukee, 28-14."

*****
"While we're talking expansion clubs, let's move to El Paso, where the 3-3 Busters take on intrastate rivals, the undefeated San Antonio Margaritas. Who's got the D, now?

Give it up to San Antonio, who shut the lights out in El Paso. EP OT Gustav Gustavson had no answer for SA DE Ray O. Light, and WR Yatil Green got completely shut down by SA safety Godzilla Blitz. With half the offense taken away, and the other half playing against men-among-boys like DE All Pro and MLB Ray Lewis, the formerly potent El Paso O looked desperately impotent.

The San Antonio offense, however, showed some struggles of their own as EP DE Aundray Bruce logged a couple of sacks and Safety Patrick Bates took in an INT. San Antonio's M&M boys didn't find the usual cushy middle, as DT Danny Noonan and MLB Brian Bosworth bottled things up inside.

In the end, however, El Paso gave up too much field position as the offense sputtered again and again. Mutt and Metalhead each punched in a score, and it would be all San Antonio needed. SA, 14-0."

*****
"And speaking of shutouts, pity poor Fargo (1-5), who ran into a buzz-saw in the red-hot L.A. Stars (5-1). In the last 3 games, L.A. has outscored their opponents 91-14, and the trend continued.

Fargo often relies on FB Ty Wick to make the hole for HB Glutton for Punishment, but LA MLB Brad Pitt shed Wick like water off a duck's back, and the Pitt-bull showed shades of last year, piling up 18 tackles. Then Fargo went to Glutton off-tackle Stud, but LA DE Toby McGwire kept containment, and Brad Pitt finished things off on the outside, too.

Meanwhile, the LA offense poured on the yards and ate up the clock. QB Bernie Mac had his fourth great showing in a row, completing 72% of his passes and tossing 2 TDs. Rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield knocked in two more scores, and LA rolls easily, 28-0. Thus, in 4 games, LA has outscored their opponents by over 100 points!"

*****
"So far Little Rock (1-5) has struggled, beating only Cinci, even though Rajah Saleem has excelled. It looked like trouble again for the Willies as they faced Birmingham (3-3).

Behind their solid offensive line, Birmingham's Artemis broke through and tore up Little Rock's weak linebacking corps. On the day, Artemis rushed for 101 and 2 TDs. In the first quarter, it appeared that the passing game would open up as well, as BH QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Revrew on a 5-yard slant turned 24-yard TD.

But in the second, young LR DT Henry Blitzen discovered how to use his speed against ancient BH OG Dionysus. Blitzen recorded 2 sacks and 2 tackled for a loss in the second quarter alone.

When LR DE L.L.JeeerD started to pressure 'ZR' further, Birmingham was limited to the run.

The inability to stretch out big yardage put Rajah Saleem entirely too close to the endzone. Though Birmingham's stellar defensive line put the brakes on Rajah putting up the usually spectacular yardage, they couldn't keep him out of the endzone.

A brilliant block by veteran WR Stuart Rembert freed Rajah to get around the corner one last time, and at the end of 4, the score was tied, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Rookie Olympian Uranus got his first taste of action against the league's oldest kicker, Little Rock's Mr. Ed. The competition: tug-of-war. But not just between the kickers. Each kicker was given 10 minutes to run through the stands and select as many as 5 men and 5 women to join them on the line, in a tug-of-war for all the marbles.

Uranus made a good find in pulling out a 300-lb man out of the 3rd row, but his eye for the ladies was a litte more guided by beauty than by brawn. Mr. Ed came to the line with 5 women that looked like they came right out of a steel mill, and the contest was on!

Uranus' anchor made it a tough line to pull, but in the end, Mr. Ed's eye for the big, bad mommas moved the mountain. Uranus got yanked (don't say that too fast), and Little Rock pulls (literally) the upset, 24-21."

*****
"Could the Windy City Eagles (1-5) regain some form in the rainy city? Or would Portland (3-3) make it 3 in a row?

Throughout the game, the ZFL's best pulling guard, Tom Sanders, paved the way for FB Josh Hackenstein and Randy Steele to get outside and get down the field in a quick hurry. PT OLB Zoinks McAllister got caught out of position more often than a boxer's nose as Randy Steele put up 133 yards and 3 scores on the day.

But there were other problems afoot. Not even Tom Sanders could punch a hole in Portland's "Military Middle." DTs Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto, backed up by Sectoid Commander, put up a brick wall. Chicago was stopped on no fewer than five 4th and shorts, allowing Portland's offense to go to work.

The Sea Biscuits made a mockery of the once-great Chicago D, as WR Manfred von Richtofen caught 2 TDs and ran for a 3rd. The ManChild made Deniable Cook look just silly, and aging Chicago star, safety Ajimba Haad, was no match for young Khan Ogadai. Portland's Paddy O' put up 327 yards as Portland puts away the Eagles, 35-21."

*****
"Knoxville: 5-1
Albuquerque: 5-1
The Winner: Still in it.
The Loser: On the outside looking in.
The defenses in this game: Nonexistent.

A big star in this game was Knoxville's WR Jackson 'JJ' Jackson. The ZFL's all-time leading receiver absolutely lit up AQ CB Herschel 'Hey Hey' Krustofsky, catching 15-201-3. Meanwhile, HB Leon Jackson followed OG Fort Sumter for consistent gains all afternoon.

For Albuquerque, Sizzlack found favorite WR The Cheat fairly well blanketed by young KX CB Deion Jackson, but not so homerun hitter, WR Quagmire. The 'Q' only caught 6 passes, but they were for 182 yards and 2 scores. HB Guy Incognito alos caught a score and ran a score, pushing AQ up to 28.

But while the Isotopes thrived on the big play, Knoxville kept consistent pressure on and nearly doubled Albuquerque's total first downs. Bending, bending, bending the reed finally caused it to break, and in the fourth quarter, with the score tied at 28, Albuquerque couldn't stop Knoxville from marching 83 yards for the winning TD. KX, 35-28."

*****
Commish's recap:
"San Antonio continues to roll, but can anyone slow down the L.A. freight train? L.A. vs. San Antonio in week 9. But first, week 8. Might El Paso catch LA looking ahead to the following week?

We've got 4 teams bunched at the top, 4 in the middle at 3-4 or 4-3, and 4 fighting at the bottom. The ZFL seems to be in a clear caste system this year. Don't look for that to change next week as the top tier takes on the bottom.

Good games next week? Fox is broadcasting Little Rock vs. Fargo, and ESPN has MW vs. BH. Still...I wonder if LA will keep it up against the Busters?"

wow.... I think I'm going to puke....

Good game LR, you earned the win....:(

I was impotent... :(

Amazing! Mr. Ed finally comes through!

No, just your offense was.

And now you've got to face L.A. next.

Ring...ring..
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rafael Palmeiro?"
"Yes."
"Would you consider playing for the El Paso Busters?"

Big win for the Necks!

We're going to be the biggest anti-Margarita fans the rest of the way, since even we pretty much need them to lose two because we're going to lose any sort of tie-breaker with them head to head and defensive points allowed.

Week 8 Results:

"Los Angeles (6-1) and El Paso (3-4) are two teams known for defense, but whose offenses have snuck up and surprised people this season.

Unfortunately for the Busters, they faced the unquestionably hottest team in the ZFL, and the Star Crunch kept up the heat. Not even OROY candidate EP OT Billy Milner could keep the hounds at bay as EP QB Ryan Leaf was tormented by LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire. With DT Ed Norton and MLB Brad Pitt applying pressure up the middle as well, Leaf got grass-stained 6 times. A safety Ray Liotta INT further buried the Buster passing game.

And though the Buster defense put up a fight, great field position allowed LA to get into the endzone--something El Paso never had the opportunity to accomplish.

LA got a pair of scores from HB Rodney Dangerfield, and one from WR Ashton Kucher. L.A.s rookies put up all the numbers as the Stars blank the Busters, 21-0."

****
"And speaking of blanking, the mighty Margaritas (7-0) were completely frustrated in a game for the ages when they visited Portland (4-3), still sizzling on a 3-game winning streak.

The Portland fire came raining down in the form of a dominating offensive line. Behind Erik "Flame"beard, aging HB Antonio De La Tonio picked up first down after first down. San Antonio's MLB Ray Lewis absolutely denied any big runs, but he couldn't stop Antonio from getting the few he needed behind a big push from Flamebeard, Tim the Troll, Lothar Richthofen, and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro. The Portland O-line made a bid to get voted into the ProBowl as a unit, grinding out first down after first down over the vaulted San Antonio defense.

SA CB Deflector struggled with the elusive PT WR Manfred von Richthofen, as ManfChild hauled in his own collection of first downs.

But inside the redzone, when it came time to finish off the drive, San Antonio's killerD put up a brick wall again and again. Yet starting almost every drive from inside their own 20, many inside their own 5, really pinned the Margaritas. Down deep, they tried finding breathing room by plunging ahead, but PT DT duo Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto put the brakes on. San Antonio spent almost all day on their own side of the 50.

Going into the 4th quarter, the score was knotted at 0-0, as each team failed to push the other across the plane. When Portland rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister streaked in to wrap up HB Mutt on 4th and 2, Portland got one last chance to steal the huge upset win.

A Paddy O' pass to Richthofen gave the Biscuits good field position, but with very little time left. An Antonio plunge got shut down by SA DT Sack U. A pass to Khan Ogadai got swatted away by safety Godzilla Blitz. Paddy O' tried sneaking it in, but MLB Ray Lewis read the play and dove over the pile to blast O'Leary. With time left for only one last play and a chance to put San Antonio away, Antonio De La Tonio ran the counter off-tackle. But SA DE All Pro refused to be fooled, kept containment, and stopped the play inches short. 0-0. Bring on the kickers!

PT rookie Bob Sunesson pulled the giant upset against Milwaukee's Bruce Handily just a couple of weeks ago. Could he help his team pull the upset by knocking off seasoned vet, SA kicker Eater of Sandwiches?

On the Jumbotron, fans watched as Bob and Eater squared off in an X-box, NCAA 2003 overtime matchup! The game was set up so that each team played with...the University of Iowa. Just like college ball overtimews, each kicker was given the ball and the chance to outscore the opponent. How many overtimes would it take??

In the first overtime, Eater started with a TD scramble by Iowa QB Brad Banks, but Bob followed with a TD pass.

In the second overtime, Bob had to settle for a Nate Kaeding field goal, but also showed his prowess on defense by holding Eater to the same.

The third overtime would be decisive. The 36-year-old Eater of Sandwiches showed a bit of age, accidentally pushing the wrong button on 3rd and goal from the 5, and the result was a sack. Another Nate Kaeding field goal for Eater.

On his possession, Bob drove well, but a holding penalty set him back. Still, he managed to drive to the goal line. On 4th and goal from the 2, what do you do? Hit the field goal and go for a 4th overtime? Or risk it all with 2 yards to go?

What do you think, ZFL fans and GMs? What should Bob have done?"

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO !

Play the percentages and go for the FG!

FG's are for sissies, go for it!

Bob does not go for the field goal. Bob goes for it!

Bob goes, and misses.

Go for it!!!

Go for it.

Hi Jeeber. Been really busy. Look for update on FOFC Wrestling tomorrow.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Sweet. I'll be looking forward to it... :)

"Portland GM, Coffee Warlord, says 'Go', so the young rookie, wanting to live up to his boss's spirit, sits #95 down and gives the ball to #8. Electronic Brad Banks, it's up to you now.

The Iowa offense approaches the line in a double tight end, strong side left, I-formation. The Iowa defense (in the white jerseys) crowds the line for a goalline stand.

On the snap, both I-backs run left and the whole line shifts. Brad Banks turns to pitch the ball left on a sweep. The linebackers read it and begin rolling to their right.

But then Banks pulls the ball back! It's a fake sweep, naked bootleg right! Banks turns and runs out into space. But the Hawkeye defensive end in white holds his assignment, fights off the tight end, and races out to hold containment.

Banks runs, but the defensive end is closing in...the endzone is cut off...Banks backpedals...

And #44, tight end star Dallas Clark has cut across the field from the left side! Against the grain, he's left the linebackers in the dust and is wide open on the right side of the endzone! Banks lofts the ball over the charging defensive end's head...TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! Brad Banks to Dallas Clark for the win!

Bob Sunesson gets his second upset overtime victory of the year! (Sounds like Capital City Goofball from last season) Portland takes down the frontrunner, beating San Antonio, 3-0."

*****
"Some of the other games weren't nearly as exciting as that one, but let's recap. Knoxville (6-1) added to Chicago's (1-6) humiliation by trashing the Eagles.

The highlights, however, belong to Eagle HB Randy Steele. Randy broke off some giant runs through the gaping holes created by OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein. Steele added up 5 runs of 15 yards or more on way to a 203-yard, 3 TD day.

But big plays couldn't keep the Eagles in it, as their defense has completely collapsed. Knoxville chewed up the Eagles and spit them out with 3 TD passes and 3 TD runs. Every Redneck offensive player put on a good show as Knoxville wins, 42-21."

*****
"In Milwaukee, the Muscle Men (4-3) took no heed of Birmingham's (3-4) great defensive line, but instead allowed FB sensation Bulldozer to plow the way for HB Ricky Williams. Though Bulldozer had his hands full and didn't garner his usual great running day, Ricky Williams benefited from the 'Dozer's blocking effort to the tune of 118 yards and 3 TDs.

For Birmingham, though HB Artemis plowed through the line, he got NO further as MW MLB Zach 'Clog the middle' Thomas and OLB Superman ate him alive. Superman totalled 15 tackles on the day. Birmingham's lone score came on a 23-yard TD pass from 'ZR' to WR Apollo in the second.

Milwaukee holds field position and grinds out the clock on the way to a 21-7 victory."

*****
"Cincinnati's (0-7) only possibility of stopping Sizzlack and the Isotopes (5-2) was to keep it away with ball control.

The running game, Cinci's one true strength, did it's job, pouring on the yards and racking up 3 scores.

But CN safety Pan Pan could not contain AQ WR Quagmire, as 'Q' hauled in a pair of deep bombs and in the third, his third TD of the day.

AQ HB Guy Incognito continued to show his versatility, picking up a pair on the ground and one in the air.

Cinci's defense just could not hold back Sizzlack, who put up big numbers en route to a 42-21 victory."

*****
"As some expected, the Little Rock (2-5) vs. Fargo (1-6) matchup did prove a solid matchup. Both teams took advantage of weaker defenses to re-oil their offensive machines.

In the first possession, Little Rock made certain to strike first blood by running Rajah Saleem through every gap in every blocking assignment in the book. You could tell it was a scripted attempt to see what would work. It resulted in a 2-yard TD plunge, LR 7-0.

For the rest of the quarter, Fargo would be slowed by a LR DT Henry Blitzen sack, and the Willies were held back when FG CB F.Swaggs hauled in an INT.

In the second, Fargo tied it up as HB Glutton for Punishment followed a monster block from FB Ty Wick to a 7-yard TD run.

Just before the half, Saleem ran off OT Keith 'Slap' Slapinski for a 21-yard TD scamper, and the Willies were up at the half.

In the third, Fargo tied it up quick as young WR Tarek burned LR safety Beaumont Braxton and ran untouched 57 yards to paydirt.

Another Glutton TD, and then a Little Rock TD pass to WR Bruce Spinner brought us to the waning moments of the 4th with the score tied.

Deep in their own territory, Fargo needed to make a long drive, or run down the clock to overtime. On first down, QB Killer dropped back to try the pass, but pressured by LR DE L.L.JeeberD, he tossed the ball away. On second down, Glutton picked up 4 behind OG Matt. On third, Glutton managed 5 yards behind OT Stud, but got stopped short as LR DE Mark dragged him down from behind. Facing 4th and 1 on their own 29, Fargo let the clock run down. If they could just get the first, they could let the clock go to overtime.

From the I, FB Ty Wick doubled up Little Rock DT Lee Roy Buttersworth, as OG Eric sought to contain LR looping DE L.L.JeeberD. But just as Glutton for Punishment plunged through the hole, LR rookie DT Henry Blitzen slipped out of his block and leaped into the gap. CRASH! A streaking 225-lb halfback met a powerful young lineman packing 290 and a heap o' rage. Pulling the bodies away, the chains came out and rookie Blitzen won the battle. Turnover on downs with 29 yards and 29 seconds to go for the Willies.

On first down, the Willies lined up both receivers on the near side and then rolled the dice with a delayed HB sweep to Rajah. Saleem picked up 8 yards before playing it smart and stepping out of bounds to stop the clock. On the next play, QB David Slinger passed over the middle to WR Bruce Spinner, but Spinner got stopped just short by FG safety Safety Boy. Little Rock called their final timeout.

One play left in regulation...one play too many when Rajah Saleem is on the field. Rajah took the pitch left, but cut off by FG DE Chesty, spun back toward the middle. Saleem planted his foot in Safety Boy's face, then leaped backwards as Safety dove for his legs. Safety Boy landed square on his face with a fistful of nothin', then Rajah leaped over him, plowed into OLB Chris, and carried the 'backer into the endzone for 7 and the win.

Rajah 'Somebody better make me MVP' Saleem wins it for his club on a brilliant play. LR 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap:
"Portland spoils again! They did that to then-undefeated Knoxville a few years back, and now they do it to San Antonio. Suddenly, the title chase is clouded again!

San Antonio: 7-1
Los Angeles: 7-1
Knoxville: 7-1
Albuquerque: 6-2

The hunt for top draft picks is getting tight as well:

Cinci: 0-8
Chicago: 1-7
Fargo: 1-7

Now, if that three-way tie at the top holds out, it may come down to the cumulative defensive prowess of the Margarita Monsters vs. the Star Crunch.

But holding the tie may be tricky. For LA plays SA next week, and LA plays KX in week 11. LA has been the hottest team in the ZFL over the past several weeks. They must keep the fires burning if they want the crown! But it's there for the taking with a couple of key victories.

Next week, the expansion clubs face each other; LR plays CH; but most eyes will be on LA vs SA. Next week might just crown our champion!

I fully expect to lose to Marmel. He has defense AND offense.

My defense has shown a few chinks in the armor sachmo. It is going to be an epic battle! Well, at least a good fake football game. :)