Originally Posted by Godzilla Blitz
Thanks for the compliments, guys! Was fun to do. :)
Yeah, there's a good month's worth of stuff and we're only up to week Two! Feel free to join the fun.
And now, it's time for...
In the Maximum Football Locker Room, with ESPN's Bibi Gunn
Bibi: This is Bibi Gunn, reporting live from the locker room with Joe Russell, all-pro safety from the Sasketchupwan Roughriders. After two games, Russell leads the league with 43 interceptions, a pace that would give him more than 300 interceptions on the year. Russ, tell us, what’s the secret of your success?
Russell: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank our uniform designer for making me this awesome outfit. (holds up jersey) This is prolly the biggest reason I rule. See all the colors? That hypnotizes the opposing quarterback. Slows him down, like in that movie with that Neo dude. (makes pistol shooting gesture). I call it my Matrix effect.
Bibi: Yes, but that can’t be the only reason, Russ. Surely, there’s something else.
Russell: (thinking) Well, when the opposing quarterback goes back to throw and starts looking downfield, I wave my arms and yell, “Over here! Throw it to me!” (laughs) Bingo! Another interception! Gets them every time.
Bibi: But don’t the offenses adapt to you? I mean, after a couple dozen interceptions, you’d think the opposition would try different things?
Russell: Oh, yeah, they’re crafty as hell, always switching the count of the play and stuff. So I gotta always mix up how I play, you know? I’m always changing what I yell at the quarterback. Sometimes I say “I’m open. Hit me!” That’s a good one, Bibi. A quarterback really has to be on top of his game to not get fooled by that one. Other times, I’ll yell, “Loser, bet you can’t throw it this far!” Hah, you should see their faces after I pick one off with that clutch line. (laughs) I rule.
Bibi: With an average of five interceptions a quarter, no one doubts your value to your team, but I’m sure you're aware of your detractors and what they say about your game, Russ, and you know I've got to ask you about it.
Russell: Oh. (looks down) The interception return yardage?
Bibi: Exactly. I mean, in 43 interceptions, you’ve yet to return one for a single yard. The replays show the truth: after every single interception, you topple over like a dead camel. Your total return yardage is zero, Russ. What do you have to say to your critics?
Russell: Football’s a complicated game, Bibi. Anyone knows that. It ain’t just a bunch of spread sheets and numbers. Heck, I did spread sheets and numbers years ago, and anyone can do that. Football requires quick thinking, Bibi. You got legs and arms, and it ain’t easy switching between the two, you know? Catching takes toootal concentwation with my arms, and I’m working hard at switching to using my legs. On top of that, I gotta remember to run, which is a complex activity involving lots of pixels, and depends on things like frame rates and such. No, not easy at all. Plus I ain’t the only one with that problem, Bibi. No one else in the league has any return yardage either.
Bibi: (looking at camera) Well, there you have it. Russell answers his critics. (looks back at Russell). Russ, there’s one more thing I wanted to ask you. On the stats sheet for interceptions, it mentions “Trys”. You got a zero in that, as did everyone else in the league. What the heck is a “try”?
Russell: (Looks perplexed.) Um, not sure there, Bibi. Maybe something about putting out a good effort? Or maybe we're actually playing rugby? But Bibi, I’m not concerned with that stuff. It’s spreadsheet stuff, and spreadsheets are kid's stuff.
Bibi: (looking at camera) Signing off from Sasketchupwan, I'm Bibi Gunn. Bang bang. (winks)
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