No offense

But you don’t seem to be learning from any of the experiences, successes and failures

Sit back and look at all that’s been accomplished and all of the things you’ve learned, good and bad, and lean in


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Just my 2 cents. Take it FWIW.

In the 80-20 rule, it's true for the 80. Especially true when we are going into an uncertain economy.

There is no doubt there are more layoffs especially in tech. Your company may not be in tech and you are only support IT staff, but know that those laid off tech people will be your competition.

There's the psychological bent too where after rejections (and you will very likely get them), you will start questioning why you quit before finding another job. As your search extends from 1 to 2 to 3 etc. weeks without success, it'll mess with you. You'll also likely have 1st-2nd-3rd choice and what will you do if 3rd choice comes in but 1st-2nd are pending. Job search looks different after 2 months of interviews & rejections.

Why do that to yourself when you have a "sure thing" with your current job. The instant gratification in saying FU is not worth the risk. Oh yeah, your chances finding meaningful dates as a "38 year old balding short guy" is even worse as a "38 year old balding, unemployed short guy".

The interview use case is not a real real issue. Plenty of people do it. Heck, I've gone out to my car and interviewed (just park where you have reliable connection). I've conducted early evening interviews etc. The recruiter & potential employer will understand.

Can you elaborate a little bit please?

How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.
 

Where this started…

You had no confidence that you would even find someone… but you did. You started a group that you thought that you would enjoy. You did things that you thought that you would enjoy. You took your shot with the girl and scored. You should have a ton of confidence. Did it work forever this time? No, but did you accomplish a ton of goals? Sure did! But you’re acting and typing like nothing happened. That’s bullshit.

Did you do some things wrong? Yeah maybe, so you committed some errors. Move on to the next pitch knowing that you’ll be less likely to commit the same error next time.

So take what you’ve learned, focus on the positives and grow that confidence because you’re the Fn man and start doing the things you like again without thinking so much about ‘them’ and it’ll all work out (again).


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Lord knows, I'm far from anybody's Mister Positivity and spreading sunshine isn't my bag, but this ain't a bad take at all.

The thread overall seems solidly tilted toward the pros rather than the cons.

Okay, I put my social life on line the for May 13th. I'm hosting a camping event in which I've invited everyone my social group. Wish me luck.

What is your goal with this event?

And how did it go with the girl that gave you her number last week?

Good luck!

I love sitting around a campfire and watching the flames (and avoiding the wind direction).

So this should be an interesting weekend.

I have a walk in the park scheduled tomorrow morning but there is rain in the forecast so who knows who attends.

I'm scheduled to attend a bowling event in the evening hosted by my ex. At last I heard she was seeing another guy but her facebook page says she's single so I get figure out what that is about.

Also my boss left early in the day and I sent him an email asking for a raise. So that should be a fun Monday morning.

So I attended an evening hosting by my ex. Which was a huge mistake because she trashed talked me in front of them crowd. I was willing to try maintain a good friendship between us before then. But now it is over.

The general rule is that if you didn't like each other enough to keep dating, you probably won't like each other enough to be friends. The resentment will carry over from one to the other.

So how does a person determine if a woman is interested in dating versus just being a good friend?

I mean other than growing a pair and directly asking.

Also I should be getting a raise this week. Yay me.

This is the answer. Some people are better than others are reading people/their intentions, but that's always fraught with the risk of misunderstanding & wrong assumptions. If it's important enough for you to know, ask.

At your age it’s an automatic assumption that they want your D. Then you walk that back if you learn otherwise. Do you need 1000 female friends? No no you do not.


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Is she going to group events with you, or trying to get you to smaller (or one on one) situations? Nothing will happen with you and 12 close friends, but if she's trying to get to know you better, it will be in more intimate situations.

She did treat me to a beer for my birthday yesterday. But that was after one my walks which I will say was rather well attended.

Next weekend I have a camping event scheduled (ie join me for the evening for kayaking and campfire cooking but you don't have to stay the night) and right now she is the only RSVP.

Well if I can get her alone one my camping event this weekend I swear I will tell her my feelings about her or else my FOFC username isn't Lathum.

Perhaps there needs to be a boat and mattress on this camping trip

For the implications


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Can you make the event invisible while not cancelling it? Then it will be just you and the special lady.
"It's so weird, we were the only 2 RSVP's!"

She's the only one signed up to attend so it might be just us two anyways. I think rain is scaring other people away.

In other good news as of yesterday morning I was only overweight and not obese. So between that and getting a raise that has raised my confidence quite a bit.

Don't tell her. Show her.

Does the app show how many people have RSVP'd? If so, that's probably a good sign that she is still signed up.

Yes it does show RSVPs. And actually in the last couple days a fair number of people signed up so there will be a total of 8. I think it was because they are no longer calling for rain in the forecast.

A forest orgy is in order here. Do your best. Hopefully the 8 RSVP's aren't all dudes.

I'm expecting a 5 guys/3 gals ratio here.

Although to be honest I'm kind of cooled on the woman. She's a good ear to talk to but I don't know if she would be good for a relationship.

Who knows I may inquire anyways just to see. She's conservative on the outside but maybe she has a freaky inside.

A forest orgy you say? How much LSD is on hand?

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Toledo metroparks pretty much don't allow alcohol, but they have zero mention of LSD. So I assume that means I can use as much as I want.

Me with 1000 female friends: :confused:

Well I did have a camping event and I did have a great time. We cooked some food and played Euchre (which is a card game for you non-midwestern folks).

And the woman (I have no idea what fake names I have used so far let's call her Corrina) I did want to get alone actually stayed for about 3 hours after everyone else left. She basically vented to me about what was going on about her life and I told her a little about mine. I did tell her I had feelings for her but I got the "I know but let's just be friends" response. I'm disappointed of course but I'm glad to have her as a friend. I've vented my problems to her in the past and I'm actually glad she trusted me enough to vent her problems to me.

She is also friends with my ex. A couple weeks ago the three of us (with other people) attended the same event together. My ex made IMO an extremely rude comment about me and I dropped out of attending future events with her. I did text her about it and basically got a non-apology. Well according to Corrina my ex has been going full Karen since then. She dropped out of our meetup group and has apparently been drinking more and putting on weight.

Anyways stayed tuned next week for the latest chapter in my sordid love life.

So ummm, I did hit on my coworker by asking her out to dinner. (It only took a year and a half since the start of this thread)

She did say yes.

But there is one issue I kind of don't want to mention on a public board.

She is wanted in three states?

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She hates football


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I would be bragging about that.

I've always wanted a woman who was facing a death sentence in 12 systems.

She has a dick?

So just how closely related are you?

She is married.

This feels like the "fudge a bank statement" thread where we were all having a grand old time until we found out the real reason.

Just how many grandparents do you share?

Sadly the result isn't nearly as entertaining.

Denise Handicapped

Her name is HornsManiac?


SI

Not anything even remotely that bad.

Mr Smith (from The Matrix): "Kyle, would you like to tell us about NobodyHere"


SI

It's hard to remember exactly, and I don't want to go through all 15 pages, but I think Barbara was the original co-worker, but made it clear she wasn't interested. Corinna was the co-worker who was trying to get them both together. Then there was some drama about Corinna perhaps being in an abusive marriage. But that doesn't quite fit recent statements and there is some confusion as to whether Barbara is now Corinna or this Corinna is completely new (we'll call this the Second Corinna Theory) and just showed up at the camping event.

What's so shameful that it can't be mentioned on this board? If it's the original Corinna, generally, when women reach the point where they're complaining about husbands to their co-workers, divorce is around the corner.

So perhaps she's newly separated or considering separation, in which case advice would be (not that he ever takes advice) NO, DON'T BE THAT GUY. Easy score, but it's not cool, especially if children are involved.

If it's the original Barbara, then the issue might be that she's made it clear that it's not romantic and he's still hoping otherwise. Or he's already killed her and needs advice for disposing of or eating (this is Ohio, after all) the body.

If it's Corinna2 or a co-worker other than Corinna1 or Barbara, then it could be anything. My first thought was the same as Lathum's - it's a whole new world out there right now and if I weren't quite happily married, I'd probably just sit out the '20s dating experience out of "what the hell is going on out there, idiots." Or she's underage. Or a Trump supporter. Neither of which you would want to discuss on the board. Or she might have a communicable disease, or her suggested first date is at a Furry convention and she wears a tail to the office. The possibilities are endless.

It's not shameful, just more personal.

It's hard for me to keep up with all this as well.

Barbara is the coworker I recently asked out to dinner, and we ended up negotiating a brunch. It turns out it was the wrong weekend to ask her out as it is the first anniversary of her mom's death

Corrina is a now former coworker who I mentioned is in an abusive relationship. She is currently in the Philippines looking after her dying mother. And she won't divorce or cheat, she's an extremely loyal person.

I meant to use the name Claire for the woman I told I had feelings for. I believe that's what I used earlier in the thread. I accidently used Corinna again. Apologies for any confusion.

I'm so sorry that I've been late to this party.

I go on my share of dates so I'll hopefully be able to provide some advice.

But my number one piece of advice is betterhelp.com

We can all agree this is the wrong way to go about it, right?

To Get Laid!
by u/Heymynameisdistance in therewasanattempt

I know some of you are confused about the characters in the farce that is my life, but I made a picture that hopefully will bring clarity to the confusion.



Let me know if you can't see it.

I can't unsee it.

OK... some thoughts...

The meetup group and walks and trivia and such is really going well for you. Sounds like you're making friends as well.

Corinna: some danger there - what she says about her marriage is a betrayal of sorts. If she needs to get out, there are groups that can help her, but you should keep some emotional distance there.

Barbara: you've written so much about this courtship. I guess you haven't been fired and she hasn't quit, so it's probably not as bad as it looks, but this isn't a sitcom (even with the pirate). Maybe the best thing is just to let her do her job and trust that you've made your case and if she wants more, she'll come to you without yet another prompt.

Amber: sometimes short relationships fail because they lasted too long. That's OK. Doesn't make her a bad person or you a bad person. It can be hard to socialize around people you've dated. If she's quit the group, maybe that's a good thing, but hopefully you didn't drive her away from her friends. It entirely possible if you had a shot with Claire that you wasted it if you spent any time talking about Amber - that's her friend. And maybe that fact alone would be enough to keep her away anyway and there was nothing you could do. My advice is not to think about Amber at all.

The best is yet to come. You're under 40, you're single, you have a decent job, you have interests that mesh well with a lot of people (women love a guy who isn't too cool to cook, as well). Keep getting yourself out there, keep learning to read women and you'll have plenty of opportunities. With new people - don't waste time worrying about what didn't happen.

I do enjoy the meetup events but I want something that gives me a little bit more stability in my social life. With meetups you never know who is going to attend and if they do then do you get a chance to talk to them?


I have no plans to pursue her. For one she's literally halfway across the world right now. And two she is fiercely loyal and would take it as an insult if I tried to woo her away from her husband. Honestly the guy is pretty great when he isn't drunk. Otherwise I've only heard stories.


Honestly she is kind of an enigma to me. She is a deep introvert like I am (although I've been trying to change that in recent times). I've been trying to prod her to go on my group walks but she's always responded with something like "That's sounds great but I'm going to have to pass". Maybe that's why I'm so enamored with her at the moment. I see a lot of myself in her. We seem to have the same general sensibilities. We have good conversations at work. And I do have that "gaga" feeling about her. And maybe it is some kind of mid-life crisis, but I want to know how people feel about me instead of guessing "maybe they're interested in me, maybe not". I'm tired of worrying and I want to know the answers.

Anyways I have a brunch scheduled with her next weekend and I can hopefully start to sort things out.
I think I rushed into the relationship too fast with Amber. But I don't get much attention from the fairer sex and it was quite honestly a drug the attention she showed me. In the end it broke down IMO because I didn't get her hints. She started to clam up and I lost interest in planning events with her. Not to mention she started emotionally cheating on me with her now current boyfriend. This has been confirmed by Claire and texts that Amber has sent me.

Why she exactly quit our meetup groups I don't know. I did attend a meetup event that she hosted a few weeks ago. We were having dinner and during the middle of it she basically implied that old boyfriends should "fuck off" while I was sitting at the table with her. I saw that as extremely rude I and I told her about it. Next thing I know is that Amber dropped out of the meetup group.


This had better be true


I do need to keep focusing on the positives. But anyone who tells me that the right woman will come to me can just stuff it. She hasn't came to me in all my life. I need advice on how to actually find the woman of my dreams and to make myself attractive to said dream woman.

Remember that the stories you hear have another side. Short of her coming back to work with bruises or her asking for help finding a support group, you don't want to insert yourself in any way. It's not just a no-wooing thing.


You can't argue yourself into a relationship. No matter what you think about her right now, it's in large part due to an image you've created. She will make it easy for you to get to know her if that's what she wants. But if not, persistence only works in bad Hollywood movies.


It's not that hard to paint that as a "good thing it didn't last" story. So you're out, no responsibilities. The best thing you can do is not invest any more thought in it. You don't need closure or revenge, and if you talk about it with another female, she will read it as if you do need closure.


Dreams are funny. I didn't say you'd find her. I said you'll have plenty of opportunities. There are no guarantees. The one mistake you can make is wasting time with the next Amber and missing out on the, well, St. Pauli Girl, I guess.

I know I'm lucky now. Teenage me dreamed about someone who's physically and career-wise, values-wise, pretty much identical to my wife. I don't know how that happened or why she finds me attractive, but here we are.

So... 1) listen and learn to read women. 2) don't settle. 3) accept failure and quickly move on, without a need for artificial closure.

You won't like my two cents most likely, 'cause it doesn't come with any guarantee at all. But fwiw ...

Live your life. The key word there, at this stage, is your life.

"That person" will either come along or they won't. And there's certainly a chance they'll come along and you won't even realize it. There's also a chance you'll think they have but they actually haven't.

But I'm neither a fan, nor a believer in the success rate, of trying to "make it happen".

You need to accept the fact that it may never happen. If you do meet them, it also needs to be more about their needs than yours. You may not mean it in these terms, but what you've described is a desire to be able to manipulate a woman into fulfilling your fantasies. That's just not a healthy approach, and virtually nobody ever marries 'the man/woman of their dreams'. Every person has flaws. Many of them. If they didn't, they'd never be a suitable partner for any of the rest of us.

For what little, if any, it may still be worth, I would suggest focusing on becoming the kind of man and person who is worthy of committing to. Any goal for a relationship of any kind depends on unpredictable, flawed human beings for fulfillment and therefore involves also the potential for things not working out the way we want them to. The best a person can do is to live out the best version of themselves, whether they get back what they want in return or not.

How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.
 

Deleted


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The perfect woman won't just randomly come up to you. It'll never happen. As a man, it is typically going to be on you to meet many people. It's a numbers game. The more people you date, the more good people you'll meet. 9/10 will still be let downs, becuase everybody has their own taste, and everybody is at a different place in life at a different time. But eventually you'll meet someone that will have similar interests or values to you (I'll always pick values over interests), and you'll both be at the same place in life, and then it'll work out.

Sometimes the most frustrating thing is meeting someone who just clicks with you, but they're at a different stage in life. Maybe younger and aren't looking to get into something long term, or they JUST got out of something long term and are just trying to get to know what they are looking for again.

But the more people you date, the more you'll know what's important to you.

One thing that you get with experience, is that it can't hurt to ask. You'll never go on a date with someone that you didn't ask out. But I'd avoid co-workers as much as possible, because a broken relationship there will linger, and you don't want that.

There's a lot you can do, though, to give yourself a better chance of it happening. What Mota wrote about timing is very important. It can work against you, but more importantly, it works for you.

At any given moment, someone is entering a time period during which they will enter a relationship with the next person who meets a certain criteria, a certain combination of appearance and values and any number of things. You can't control that criteria - height and income are often important to women and that is what it is. So even someone entering that time period may not represent an opportunity.

However, it is a numbers game. The key there is understanding that numbers and statistics and facts do not constitute knowing someone. You might see someone from a distance, even work with her or know a lot about her from a group of some sort, but you don't know her.

Therefore, you have to know yourself. Some people advocate throwing out 1,000 invitations and working with whatever comes back to you. I disagree. You absolutely maximize your chances of getting into a relationship that way, but you also maximize your chances of getting into a crappy relationship. So either you develop the ability to quickly evaluate a budding relationship and break a few hearts, or you end up with another Amber. Some people can do the former. More power to them. I don't think that approach would have worked for me.

Recognizing it's a numbers game, but also that you don't anything real about someone until you've spent some time with her and really listened to her, you have to be dry and analytical about the process itself. Otherwise, you end up projecting all sorts of dreams onto every new date and pretty soon, yeah, Amber again.

I greatly approve of the stick figure post.

And that’s saying something


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I have brunch with a coworker I'm hitting on tomorrow. Please wish me luck. Or sacrifice a trout. Or double your bets in Blackjack. I need a shower (and will take one tomorrow morning)

Good luck.

Yes, in addition to a shower, don't forget to clean your nails, floss your teeth, and bring some tic tacs.

I thought we were doing cans of collard greens for good luck these days, or is that just the stock market?

Not for dating luck per se, but once you get her back to the apartment ...

Sorry, I refuse to believe that kale has any redeeming values.

It doesn't.

I’m not a kale fan either.

Wife made some oven baked kale which I enjoyed. It’s crispy and with enough salt, pretty decent.

Kale can be fine in amongst other things (like in a salad or baked into something, etc). I much prefer it over something like Quinoa, that stuff ruins everything people stick it in.

My wife likes quinoa and kale in dinners. She knows what to do to prepare them, so they're fine as long as there's not too much. Our pantry is full of all sorts of packages I've never heard of and she can provide a reasonable assessment of the produce section of every one of the numerous groceries in the area. I appreciate all that. It's nice not depending on processed food or worrying about cholesterol levels.

Interesting that the date that's been anticipated for about 1 1/2 years now came to fruition this weekend and there's been no report. Like An Affair to Remember cutting off just after all that waiting on the Empire State Building.

I met the friend for brunch and I am defeated. The secret that I didn't want you to know is that she claimed she was asexual. So basically I didn't have a chance. Knowing that I felt I had to at least see it through. We did have a pleasant two hour conversation.

Now on to how much kale I should eat.

I'd imagine a lot more people are asexual today. It's a daunting world and the environment/genetics combo can easily wind up with the conclusion that the species does not need one's progeny in order to survive.

Those who don't take that personally or consider it some sort of challenge to test might find that a new friend is also worth quite a bit.

I'm not sure what "seeing it through" means. If you knew this about her, and presumably Corinna knew this as well, why is this going on in Barbara's workplace? Doesn't seem quite fair to her.

Careful on the kale. If it's undercooked, it's like chewing on grass. If overcooked, plastic.

Well seeing it through meant that I asked her to brunch. After I asked she informed me that she was asexual. I didn't want to cancel the invitation because of that so that's what I meant by "seeing it through". I asked her out to brunch and I didn't cancel it due to her not wanting to be my prospective partner.

I don't think Corinna knew about Barbara being asexual as Corinna wanted me to hook up with her.

Also I went camping with a group this weekend that included a woman who was harping on the benefits of kale.

Between the asexual and the kale, I'm thinking the most obvious thing possible: you gotta change jobs, these people are fn nuts

Now see, given my confidence level, I would have absolutely taken that as "I'm asexual since it's you who asked me out."

It's an odd thing to say to a co-worker. That's why I mentioned not taking it personally. There's been mention of many attempts to get her to join various activities, plus this "negotiation" of a brunch rather than dinner, whatever that means. And Corinna is supposedly a friend - she'd know if there had been some sort of declaration.

I think your response would be warranted here, but we've been saying from nearly the beginning that she's just not into him for whatever reason. It really doesn't matter why. The meetups are working. It's not important to have closure for a failure or pursue failures. Dating is about getting to know someone so that you can mutually decide if a relationship is a good idea. You don't just choose someone and a relationship manifests.

That's why I advocate the cold data approach. Maximize your opportunities to date, then take those opportunities to learn about someone. Going from 0-to-relationship in six seconds is a recipe for unhappiness.

If kale is a deal-breaker, try adding bacon. It kinda defeats the purpose of having kale in the first place, but they do work very well together.

Younger Child, who is mostly eating potatoes, little veggie bites, and tofu these days tried making quinoa a couple of times. No matter what spices they put in it they could not get it to a point where they liked it. Pretty sure it was the quinoa.

I can do kale but yeah, it's not easy to cook well. Just give me spinach (or yeah, even canned collards).

Asexuality -- not all asexuals are aromantic! Of course pairing up with one may not be ideal if you like sex.

I have an amazing recipe for a quinoa and haloumi dish.

And, weirdly, I can tolerate quinoa if I absolutely have to. I prefer to not be in a situation where I need to, but it's passable in a pinch.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I've been married 2 years and found my wife through tinder, also dated office colleagues (well once, don't eat where you shit, works for some)

The most measured advice i've seen is from Jim. Dating is a numbers game, you have to be prepared to throw yourself out there and fail. When I would date I always approached it with the mentality of "if at the very least you get a good story, it was worth it"

So things didn't work out with Amber or Barbs, that sucks, on to the next one, you'll learn more about yourself as you do it.

I also recently watched this which I thought was interesting:
Hannah Fry: The mathematics of love | TED Talk

Good feedback from a first time poster! Welcome Jops!
Dating is actually a skill. You only get better by practicing.
And if you don't date a lot, there's a big chance you come across as desperate, and women can smell that from a mile away, and it doesn't smell good.

I asked her out to dinner, she told me she was asexual and I still went out for a meal with Barbara knowing that I basically had no chance. That's what I meant by "seeing it through".

And I doubt Corinna knew.

So now lets introduce a new player on the board. We'll call her Amy. I met her on the Bumble dating app. I had misgivings about that app before but hey, I got more dates (well one) from it than I have on all other dating apps combined.

I went to dinner with her tonight and it went well enough to earn a second date next Friday. So wish me luck.

By the way, does anyone have any creative date ideas I can offer her next time?

ETA:

One thing that I will add is that she insisted that she pay for dinner (which was delicious). And this is despite my offering to pay for it. I guess I'm on the hook for the next meal.

Good luck!


Ask her what she likes to do. Improvise from there.

Bumble is the one where the women picks the guy? If so, a great sign.

Check out the Bumble profile and figure out what she likes?

I'm almost afraid that Corinna has been murdered by her husband. How do I proceed?

Like seriously I am afraid. She texted me that she would tell her husband that she would separate from him. I am afraid on how he would take the news. The initial texts I got from "her" seemed to have inconsistencies in grammar than what she usually used. I'm really quite upset and have no idea what to do. Should I call the police based on suspicions?

Don’t get involved :shrug:

I'm afraid it's too late.

If you're going to continue to do this, consider getting a weapon (and training)?

At the very least, get a baseball bat you can put by the door.

Well I know he owns a firearm so I don't know if a bat would be good enough.

So, is she alive?

Dead?

Has anyone checked on Nododyhere? Is it time to call the police?

If we haven't heard back soon, I think we should reach out to police.

But should we give them a printout of this thread?

I'd hate to say this is preposterous and be wrong, but NH has shown some enjoyment of the cliff-hanger in this thread.

However, what could we do anyway? If people are hurt, I can't imagine the police don't already know about it. This isn't like a member reaching out about self-harm or a personal crisis.

Regarding his question about getting involved, if there's something specific that has him worried about Corinna's well-bring, that's when it's time to have the police do a welfare check.

If someone here were to do something, especially something related to the quoted address, that might well be swatting of some sort. We don't know anything, really.

So, no, aside from strongly recommending NH avoid brandishing baseball bats, I don't think it's a good idea that we do anything other than take a look at the Toledo newspapers.

Last activity here was 11am today fwiw.

Yeah, I'm still here. I'm still worried about the whole situation though.

No. He got himself into it he can get himself out....

Perhaps I should have read the whole thread....