As I have gotten older, one of my mantras has become "no one is a good mind reader." Not my phrase, but I spread it as often as I can.

I think that is really helpful to consider in all relationships, whether romantic, family, work, or whatever.

Not only just "not good" but often outright "bad"

One of my favorite stories from married life was one of our first NYE together. We lived 5 mins from the MARTA station so yay us, we're gonna go downtown & watch the "Peach Drop" together.

We planned around it, dinner at X time, dressed for the weather, got to the train station in plenty of time, etc etc. Kinda quiet as we walked to the train and for whatever reason we both paused for a moment. Looked at each other & almost simultaneously said "you DO want to do this... right?"

More silence.

Yeah, we realized that each of us was going almost entirely because we thought the other one wanted to ... when neither of us actually DID.

Yeah, we laughed at ourselves and turned back to the car and went the hell home which was where we both preferred to be.

Valuable lesson right there, served us both well for the next three decades.

So a minor manor on etiquette.

During Xmas her family gave me gifts cards for a restaurant and a movie theater. Presumably these would be used on date nights with their loved one.

So now that we're broken up. Is it proper that I return those gift cards?

On the one hand it is a gift to me. On the other hand it was half a gift to their loved one. Any thoughts?

I expect to run into her sooner or later in one of our meetup groups.


And if I were to get scroogie she still owes me some gas gift cards...

I’d hang on to them until the statute of limitations expires and then use them on the next GF if they’re not asked for before the deadline. 😂


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My expertise in this area really only involves marble rye.

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IMO, stay classy. Give them back to her.

Agree with Edward. I've never regretted being too generous or whatever the appropriate term is. I have regretted being stingy/petty/again whatever term.

Just do that opposite of whatever the people you think the least of would do.

They were a gift to you. Spend them as such.

dola- if you feel that guilty donate them for a charity gift basket or something. I think giving them back would be hella awkward.

We've given many gifts to boyfriends/girlfriends of our kids and there are no expectations to use gift cards on our children. Just keep them and forget about whatever money you think you might be owed.

Keep them. It would be ridiculously awkward to return them. If they wanted to dictate that you use them with her, they should’ve made it a joint gift to you both.

My opinion is that whatever you decide to do with the gift cards is completely okay.

If you are going feel guilty if you don't give her the gift cards then give her the gift cards even it is awkward assuming you ever see her again and happen to have the gift cards in your wallet.

If you want to keep the gift cards whether to avoid an awkward situation, because you want to use them yourself, or because it was a gift to you that's fine to.

This thread occasionally reads like the AITA subreddit, but not the ones that make it to the front page but the lesser threads

SI

Don't get Scroogie whatever you do.

I don't know - I don't think it is (or would be) NH's intent, but I just think he will make himself look like he is trying to ingratiate himself to his ex's parents. Unless you have kids together or some long history of a relationship with her parents, I think it would be a real bad look to re-engage with them. It would be a nice gesture, but there is no need to have any contact with her family if you are broken up. Right or wrong, if you are broken up, she is entitled to her space and people.

Agreed. Unless it was some sort of engagement/wedding-specific gift expected to be used for a specific purpose, there's no reason to give it back. You can go to Texas Roadhouse with anyone or no one.

Wait until they expire, then give them to the Trumper.

But more seriously, give them to a charity. Some actively look for donations for gift cards to use as prizes at fundraising events they hold (a charity I volunteer for does this), and some that focus on food insecurity I'm sure could do something constructive with them.

So now back to the heart of the thread, I have been driving my coworker Corrina (I've mentioned her earlier in this thread) home from work. She doesn't drive and it's rather inconvenient for her husband to pick her up. Plus she lives about a mile away from me.

Anyways she's been egging me on to hit on my other coworker Barbara (who was also mentioned earlier in the thread). Plus as luck would have it my place is currently lacking a permanent HR person (the last one quit because my boss can have a rough edge being in the construction industry for untold years).

So the next few rides home we will be creating a strategy to hit on my coworker.

Part of me is thinking that it is too soon. The other part of me is horny. So it kind of balances out.

The rule is one month for every year you were together. So at four months, you should wait 10 days before considering a new conquest. That part is fine.

I thought we already ruled out Barbara as wanting no part in this whatsoever. Of course, if there is no HR to protect her, by all means... (eye-roll implied).

"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread"

That's how I feel right now. Between the breakup, looking for a new job, watching the news, and just in general. I guess I'm questioning where my life is going.

I just feel tired.

Right now I'm really tempted to take a year off work and focus on learning new programming languages or AI learning (that seems to be the buzz word of the future).

What language are you doing now at work?

At my current job I use MySQL and SSRS for reporting.

The ERP I use scripts in VB.

I create side utilities in JSP, HTML, javascript, and Python when necessary.

This past Friday I went to a fish fry with a mutual friend of mine and Amber. Lets call her Connie. She's had a Catholic upbringing like me so we're culturally the same. I don't know how to read her. She's an absolute sweetheart but I have no idea in what her dating interests are. All I know is that she's a hockey fanatic.

You have some good skills (but not sure how relevant VB is in the marketplace anymore).

Have you quit your job already and now looking for a new one?

I'm sticking with my current job until I find a new one or until I get the balls to take a sabbatical.

There are several jobs on Indeed looking for 'Senior VB.net developer' in my area.

I dunno if I mentioned this before, (I'm kind of drunk right now) but Amber wants kids. I was willing to toy with the idea of it for her sake but on reflection that would be a terrible idea for me. So in the long term it wouldn't of lasted anyways.

But still I'm kind of pissed the way the relationship ended. I'm hoping to keep her as a friend but we'll see. We're signed up to the same event on Tuesday so keep your ears out for the fireworks.

On a side note I made some Focaccia bread tonight and it is absolutely delicious.

Oh MY g (mnggnfg) that is GoOd

Don't get the balls. It may be tempting but it's much easier to get a new job when you already have one. You don't feel as desperate.

If you haven't already, setup a LinkedIn. That's where recruiters get my info to bug me.

Yeah I got a LinkedIn account. I've gotten calls from recruiters but so far no job offers.

And gosh, I went on a walk today and I'm glad I did because it does refresh my spirit. Sarah from before was there. But there was a nerdy person like myself who walked with the group, I may have found a kindred spirit. The Trumper was there but we didn't talk much. I actually spent time talking to a person from Mayasia who wants to be a Hand Surgeon in America. Just talking to him made my mind dizzy from all the paperwork/tests he has to overcome to become a certified doctor in America

I assume you mean Malaysia.

If he is Malay-Malay (vs Malay-Chinese or Malay-Indian), keep him away from the Trumper because he is most likely Muslim :)

Yeah, he is from Malaysia, apparently he is certified in 5 countries and is working to be certified in the USA.

Late to the party, but for the gift cards, you're under no obligation (legally, morally, or ethically) to return them. If the guilt is eating you, as other have said, donate them to a charity for use in a package for fundraising auction.

This should be a fun weekend.

I am scheduled to attend a "Brunch" with myself, Amber, and guy that I think Amber is trying to get with (lets call him Alex), and a mutual friend of Amber and I, lets call her Claire.

BTW I think Claire is a super awesome person that I would like to date but it is hard to get a read on her. We have similar Catholic upbringings but I've never got the vibe that she was into me.

She may be the unofficial referee in our gathering this brunch.

After the brunch I scheduled a walk and right now only the Trumper has signed up.

This thread makes me glad I am married

Let us know on your thoughts on how to find a lasting relationship.

Luck-

My wife is hot, makes a shit ton of money, is a great mom, and is cool as shit. I haven't worked in 6 years. Luckiest man alive

Can I borrow her for a decade?

Ha!

Nope. All mine!

Find someone who shares big picture traits with you. Like, neither of you are big drinkers/partiers, or both want to have kids, you're both beach people not mountains, etc. At least, this type of stuff was important back in my 20s. Maybe as you get older it doesn't matter as much? Not sure. But it would still be important to me now, I think. The corollary is, don't sweat the small details. Both of you should have the freedom to enjoy the hobbies or other things you like. My wife hates metal and I hate Hallmark movies but we've survived each other for over 31 years (going on 26 married).

Once you are in a committed relationship, never go to bed angry. It's happened twice in the 31 years that we've been together. Once for each of us. And it sent a message that the other was wrong and each of us realized it because it was an extreme step. You don't want to let bad feelings fester. Resolve the issues quickly, openly and honestly.

You have to be best friends with your partner. Sex is great and all but that burns out a bit, not totally or something is wrong, especially when you have kids. You have to have someone who enjoys the same things you do.

I will underline the best friends thing. We are going on 34 years. We have had our ups and downs, but in the end we are still together because we are each others best friend.

I know everyone has been on the edge of their seats wondering about the results of these event.

The brunch ended up being an orgy of unbridled sex where no one held back.

Actually it was quite the opposite. Just your normal brunch with an ex. I think she was trying to avoid speaking with me as much as she could. I tried creating some small talk as much as I could such as asking about her parents. We both had good conversations with the other people present.

As for the walk the Trumper dropped out (probably because another person signed up that he absolutely hates signed up but that's my speculation. This person ended up not showing as well).

Anyways it was just me, Claire and another nerd and good times were had by all.

Yeah, it’s a complete and utter shitshow out here. It seems like very few people are legitimately interested in a relationship. They say they are and complain about not being able to find anyone but they’re also refusing to settle (aka they have a secret list they’re refusing to acknowledge is an actual list). And it’s not just the 20somethings. It’s people in their 40s and 50s. The stupidity of it all makes me laugh, and boy do people get their dander up when I point out they need to stop crying about how they can’t find anyone. That’s a lie. There’s plenty of people out there. They just have really picky standards

I have to wonder what that is. It is like people are dating trying to find a reason not to be with someone rather than a reason to be with someone. I totally get be wary of red flags that might lead to abuse or something like that, but if you are looking for the perfect relationship you are never going to find it.

Honestly I think social media and the ease with which people can pseudo-meet people and communicate makes the bar way higher then it should be to actually meet people and build a relationship.


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Yeah, I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks.

How much am I willing to compromise my lifestyle in order to find a good partner?

I think one of the main barriers between Amber and I is that she wanted kids and I didn't. I was willing to entertain the idea when we were in the puppy-love stage of the relationship but eventually I decided I didn't want kids and that dampened my enthusiasm for the relationship.

On a more soft topic, I'm trying to follow the LeanFIRE philosophy in which I save a large portion of my income in order to retire at an early age. This is basically incompatible with modern dating as I basically live like a poor person (I live on less than half my income). I think this partially was a wedge between Amber and I as she wanted to go out more (and eat expensive meals) whereas I preferred to spend time at my place and cook more inexpensive meals. I've been questioning how much I want to sacrifice that ideal in order to find a partner.

In my opinion, kids and money philosophy are significant differences of opinion.

I like your philosophy about money. But will offer (for your consideration), buy experiences & not things (or expensive meals). Experiences will last a lifetime, meals goes out the poop chute within 24-48 hours.

I'm with Ed. Whether you want kids or not is pretty binary. Not much room for negotiation. Money can be negotiable, but only to a certain extent. Your major financial philosophy isn't. Those are things you are probably going to find someone of a like mind with to hope for compatability.

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This is why you date, though. You learn about those incompatibilities.

If you compromise on these fundamentals, you won't be happy once the honeymoon period ends.

There's one breakup from shortly after I started dating again after the divorce that I remember. This person checked off a lot of boxes for me. I am sure family and friends would have been delighted.

But about a month or two in, I realized we have very different views on money and lifestyle and I wasn't sure she was a kind person, at least in a way that I could recognize. Stuff that I never would have considered pre-first-marriage when I was more lonely than thinking about long-term compatibility.

This was about the hardest thing I ever had to do, because she was taking me to meet parents, etc, but I broke up with her. She was furious. Then she wrote me a long list of reasons why I sucked as a potential partner. Which kind-of proved my point - she was probably lonely, too.

What so many miss, especially in this age when people are connected to social media 24/7, is that the honeymoon phase is almost always wonderful if you're attracted to someone. Life's not going to be like that. You need something more, underneath, for when that period ends. I would call that moral values (not necessarily in a religious sense - I am not religious at all myself) or a shared outlook on life.

And if the honeymoon phase isn't wonderful, likely because of a lack of attraction or even larger fundamental differences, that's a bad sign, too.

Of course, if you don't want kids, and bring them into the world anyway... sucks to be them, doesn't it? And they have no say in the matter. Though some people are reluctant and turn out to be wonderful parents, so that's not meant to be discouraging. Not ready, but happily surprised happens all the time.

Could be in the Random thread but thought this was somewhat related to current discussion ...

I can see getting one if you can change the avatar, definitely better than just talking to Siri or Alexa device. But article says more for the lonely guy which is weird, sad and (IMO) pathetic at the same time.

Men Are Buying Tiny Holographic Wives To Avoid Marrying Real Ones | YourTango

Combine her with a RealDoll2 and I'm in.

Oh com'on.

After all the time and effort this forum spent to help you with your dating breakthrough, you're going to regress to this?

Seems kinda pathetic to me.

Kinda?

Another way for people to regress from actual human interaction into some sort of fantasy world as a coping mechanism for an inability/unwillingness to experience the real emotional ups and downs of living.

That thing should be outlawed. Talk about completely warping what a young mans expectations of what an actual woman should be.

That is alarmingly gross.

Yeah, like a proper Irish descendent I am drunk right now. Why shouldn't I hook up with my coworker.

Today I let my nerd-flag fly by wearing a Legend of Zelda t-shirt with a green background for St Patricks Day.

The fact that she (Barbara) knew it was a Zelda shirt without me prompting made me love her more.

ETA:

I did make comments to her(Barbara) that I would be making a traditional corned beef meal and that there would be extras fell deaf on her.

Why can't humanity just speak one language? I had a hand-doctor trainee join us on our walk today but I can only understand half of what he says due to his accent. He is from Malaysia and has apparently lived in a half dozen south-east asian area such Korea, Bangledesh, Hong Kong and others. And honestly I would love to pick his brain.

Os it even possible to court someone nowadays without getting arrested or fired?

I may be testing this question shortly.

OTOH, if it keeps a bunch of depressed young men from suicide or shooting up a school, maybe it isn't so bad.

I mean, we can talk about warping one's view of women, but porn already did that and is more easily available than at any time in history.

And we can talk about the declining ability for people to be able to interact in person, but social media already took care of that.

Yeah, maybe it takes us further down the rabbit hole, but we were already way down that rabbit hole to begin with.

The one good thing about being a bachelor is that I can make a pan of bacon and no one asks why.

I have a 19 year old son who has ZERO interest in dating. He feels that this is real.

You could also eat a whole pizza and no one would ask why. So that's two things.

I could make a pan of bacon and my wife wouldn't ask why, she'd just insist I share

SI

You aren't divorcing your wife anytime soon are you?

I hope not

SI

Well keep me posted

Well if nothing else I created a meetup event for the Mario movie (the week after the premiere). I'm hoping to push Barbara to attend but we'll see.

I've been thinking that I've been going about this all wrong.

Since I've broken up with one girl, the jbmagic-method says I should date two girls next. And if that fails then 4 girls...etc

Am I doing this right?

Er, will they all be co-workers?

I'm most concerned that you felt the need to ask :p

Do you have insights on following the jbmagic method?

Does it matter at this point in the thread?

Here is a great pick-up line from Twitter you can use:
“Trump might go to jail for paying hush money. No amount of money could hush me up about how much I miss you, girl”

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I like it

Am I allowed to go up to a woman and say "You're looking good in pre-season!"

Maybe dating not your game

No its not but I'm a Human Being who seek Human Companionship.

I'll continue seeking it until someone mixes ChatBot with RealDoll2

Maybe below article will give you some tips and inspiration. Subscribe to her and am guessing she can give you better advice than all of us here.

She's gone on 34 dates in 19 countries over the past year. Here's what she's learned | CNN

How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.
 

We already did this at the beginning of the thread:

Focus on things you especially like to do outside the house and look for peoples that simply enjoy doing things like that and then things just happen


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Also put a banana in your pants when you are at these outdoor activities, and it should help the amount of attention you receive from the ladies.

Not down the back of your pants . . .

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"It's a brown banana! No really! Watch" proceeds to eat the banana.

Is it OK if I hit on my coworker out of spite?

And this may be my emotions talking so forgive me. But I have come to suspect that my former girlfriend was eyeing another guy when she broke up with me. Now much of this comes from a poorly phrased text she sent to me the other night. She has started seeing another guy. I know that guy was asking about dating her (via a mutual friend) the moment he found out our relationship was on rocky terms. To me it would explain why she was checked out the last couple times she saw me.

Anyways I wouldn't quite be asking my coworker (I think I called her Barbara earlier) out spite. But in all seriousness I am hesitant to date a coworker but spite would get me over that hump.

I suspect it would end badly. Dating a coworker is precarious at best. Not doing it for the right reason has disaster written all over it.

No good can come from this

SI

Just let it go. Holding a grudge is a waste of time, life is too short. Plenty of other women out there.

Not for a 38 year old balding short guy.

Maybe it will be the summer of NobodyHere

Well there are 16 people signed up for my walk tomorrow, mostly new faces.

The last few walks have been just 3-4 people but given the weather it is understandable. I think now that spring is coming around more people will be showing up.

ETA:

Against the forum's better advice I did invite Barbara to join me on my group walk but she turned me down.

I am very tempted to quit my job and to spend the next month decompressing.

Unless you are independently wealthy, IMO do.not.do.it. It is easier to get a job when you already have one.

Find a new job, negotiate to start 4 weeks later, maybe 5 weeks (e.g. have to finish a job for a client).


EDIT: layoffs are happening, recession may happen later this year. There'll be lots of uncertainty in the job market

Decompressing is a good idea. Quitting is not. My advice is to resist the urge to make emotional decisions.

I've always heard this as well. I also read an article saying that this isn't true. The reason being that unemployed people have less leverage when it comes to salary.

For example, if someone tries to hire me, they have to make sure I am fit for the job, I have to make sure the job is a fit for me. Also the recruiter has to beat my current salary or make up for it in other ways. In addition I would give my current employer a chance match any offer received.

Staying put is an option for me. For someone who is unemployed and has bills to pay, it isn't. So therefore a recruiter has more leverage.

Plus in addition it's just easier to arrange interviews with someone who isn't working a full time job. For me the only time I have available is lunch unless the recruiter wants to talk to me in the evening.

Yeah, pretty much the only thing I do outside of my house are my walks. Today's attendance was pretty good. Heck a woman even gave me her number. She offered it without me even asking. But I think that was mostly because she's rather new in town and is just looking for friends. But who knows.