This took a turn


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Also I'm concerned that a thread about my love life has turned towards Dahmer.

Are you all trying to tell me something?

Also I would like to mention that this thread is one year old now.

We agreed to a trivia night two weeks from now. So don't let it ever be said I don't listen to you guys.

You're going to have to eat her one way or another.

She did invite to a Farmer's Market tomorrow. And I'm sure there's a very clever joke that ties in to your post but I can't think of it.


But on a more personal/serious note, is it good or bad that I looked up a video on the proper way of eating a woman?

Was Bryant McKinnie in it?

clapclapclap

You're going to want to be really careful with the way you word that for Mr Google. lol

Ok, you're gonna want to remember to delete your browser and search history before she sets foot in your place. Just to be on the safe side.

Oh definitely, I was going to do that Friday. 20 years of Bachelor life would probably scare many a women.

I'm glad to hear that thanks are working out with Amber, because this...THIS...


...this is not how it works.

So wait, you googled how to orally please a woman?

I preferred to Ask Jeeves.

Baby I'll clean the bathrooms works.

Had to look it up. It's ask.com now. Currently #8 with aol.com (!) at #6.

The Top 10 Search Engines Today

Ha!

Clearly he hasn't seen the right movie, or he'd know the right method is the Tongue Tornado

Speaking of which, if it has been 20 years since you've had a female visit your place, you'd better take some time to clean bathrooms properly before she arrives. It's their number-one (and number-two, if necessary) test. Clean towels with no logos.

Then a thorough check of every room for any other sign of career bachelorhood (beer bottle collections, stacks of pizza boxes, etc). It's just like babyproofing when your baby first shows signs of being able to crawl, in that you're viewing your home from a different perspective.

Probably too late for a run to the furniture store, but if there's anything like deck chairs in front of the television, you might want to take emergency action.

Dahmer grew up in Bath (high-income suburb town north of Akron). I didn't know that until I moved out here - strange how Ohioans seem almost proud of this. I'm not sure I'd joke about that until the second date, though.

I’m guessing she’s going to drug him then rob him.

It's all about the clitoris. Explore, and most of all, listen. They tell you what feels good. :)

lol this thread is great

If I don't post anything by monday morning then come after me.

You? We're coming for what's left!

How much is the going rate for a kidney? Has it gone up due to inflation?

It's only a few thousand for most kidney donors, who are overseas. The going rate is $100,000 - $200,000 for a black market transplant

Sorry FOFC, you're not getting my organs this week.

Did she get your organ?

She did get a lot of my tongue.

did your research pay off?

I'll just say that I got a double or triple yesterday instead of a home run and leave it at that.

And here I am stuck bunting.

I get 1 AB a week and after 15 years of marriage consider that a lot of playing time.

HA! This thread continues to deliver.

How's your average?

so NOW nobodyhere wants to play coy? riiiigggggghttt

I want to maintain *some* privacy in my life after all.

If you want to complain then post your notices on other peoples mailboxes.

Depends on how much I have drank

I want full statistical breakdown

Wow, a little taste of the nookie, and now NobodyHere is ready to return the receipts!

Well. Lets see- before children when we were younger it was probably 3 times a week. Our son was born after 2.5 years of marriage, so 120 week =360 times. The year after our kid was born was, infrequent, lets say every other week, so 26 times. After tat we tried for a second and had to do it almost every other day. Obviously have to account for travel, periods (not into vampire fantasy), etc..It took another 2 years, so lets say 3X a week =312 times. The year after kid 2 was born things obviously slow again, so lets say another 26 times. That brings us to 6.5 years. So we have another 8.5 years, 102 months, 408 weeks, so averaging once a week would be 408 more times. That makes a grand total of 1132 times wife and I have had sex.

So if say 5% of the time I am too shitty either to perform, I pass out, or she is like, dude, get off me, thats 57 times I have "struck out"

Are you listening to this Jim? This could be the start of your next simulation hit!

Which means it would take a virgin having sex every day for 3 years, 1 month, and 1 week to equal Lathum +wife's numbers

I still just spend a lot of time in the cage like I always have.

You could be useful in the future.

That sounds horrible....

To keep it simple, it used to be 2/3s now it's 1/3.

Only if I get traded.

I can 'safely' say that in nearly 24 years of being together that we're well over 2000. Yes, our kids will need therapy, and yes, they've all heard us having sex. It's a bit of a running joke.

Huh? You guys are talking about second base and third base and all sorts of sample size abuses.

That's baseball. Red Barber died thirty years ago. There's nothing left to be said.

Such a simple sport that you need all sorts of fancy graphics just to sit through one of those endless games. Just one dude trying to throw a ball past another dude. And apparently, once the numbers are crunched, the dude throwing the ball doesn't even have all that much to do with the outcome anyway.

The game engine wouldn't require a thousand lines of code. Spare me.

Are you in Bath now Jim? I'm just outside Akron.

I'm in Canton. Seven-minute drive to the HOF.

I did some work in Canton. Had some turtle soup at Benders.

So something really good happens in my life and now something really bad happens. I was sitting at my desk today. I sneeze and then the left half of my body goes dead on me. I'm currently sitting hospital awaiting test results.

Ouch. Hopes it turns out to just be one of those quirky things that happens once and then never again.

I've come to realize those happen more frequently in life than I was lead to believe when younger. Hoping it's the same for you, NobodyHere

SI

Sorry to hear, that sounds pretty scary. Hope you get better

Oh Jesus! I was hoping you would tell us about getting stiff at some point in this thread but not like this. Sending good vibes!

I'm in Springfield Twp. Just between Akron and Canton.

How did the tests go? Hoping to hear some positive info from you.

Yeah, sending good vibes. Hope to hear some good news soon.

Yeah I was also wondering and hoped things turned out well

Yeah still stuck in the hospital awaiting the results of a mri. Those things suck. It's like being in a coffin for over a half hour. Plus they blew my vein with the dye they tried to inject me with. Hopefully they got good enough images.

Thanks for the good vibes everyone and remember to see your local doctor.

Oh wow. Have they speculated on anything (if you're willing to share)?

I am hella claustrophobic and have to be sedated to do an MRI. The second I lose control of the ceiling I lose it. I can't even sit in the back of a car unless its an SUV or large sedan.

I get uncomfortable if I don’t have a clear path to get out of a spot. I don’t like being hemmed in. Once, I had to stop reading an article about those people who were trapped in a cave because I couldn’t deal with how it was making me feel.

I hope you get some good news soon, NH. Have the symptoms gone away at all?

They're thinking an injured artery in my head.

I've actually been symptom free since the initial incident.

Glad the symptoms subsided. Hopefully something they can fix.

Great to hear you are doing okay.

The real question everyone wants to know ... did you practice any of your FOFC "crowd funded" flirting skills with a nurse, intern, doctor etc.? :)

Did you watch the documentary on the kids trapped in the cave in Thailand. My skin was crawling the entire time.

I've had some hard sneezes, but nothing that injured my brain (although perhaps I can use this as an excuse going forward...). Bizarre.

I liked the movie based on the incident that's on Amazon Prime.

Prime's version was better than Netflix's.

Will she wait for you?

Which leads us to Elon Musk's bizarre appearance in Thailand with a little submarine designed to rescue people.

All threads eventually lead to Elon Musk. I think this is solopsistic proof that the universe exists only in the mind of Elon Musk. We are merely figments.

If you mean Amber, she visited me yesterday and the day before. She even met my parents for the first time.

Whoah. This is going too fast. Meeting parents is a big deal. Need to slow down some.

I couldn’t do that. I think that is the very incident where I had to stop reading. That was the one where the tide came into the cave and trapped them. Then some rescuers drowned trying to free them because they got lost underwater? The water makes it worse, because you’re cut off from fresh air.

I'm guessing it was in the hospital and not by design. Things will work out (unless she happens to be carrying one of Elon Musk's many, many babies).

HA!

It is actually a good thing to have happen in a way like this. Now it is not some big deal you have to make plans for and fret about. I'm sure you would rather have not needed to go the hospital for it to happen.

She sounds like a keeper to me. A lot of people would run at the first obstacle, especially at the early stages of a relationship.

The more important question is, did she stop for jujyfruit before she came to visit you?

She wasn't eating any...

On a side note I watched 3 hours of Seinfeld today.

Or she wants to see her handywork up close...

Do you think I should sneak out of the room and look for pig men?

No, but I dare you to find some scrubs and introduce yourself as Dr. Rosenpenis.

Dr. Rosenrosen?

Amber actually works at another building in the complex and has some scrubs...

Wow, one week and you're already roleplaying!

Nice!

That’s a RPG I want to play

I think the Trumper is sockpuppeting me on meetup.

The thing is he sockpuppeted me on an event he showed up to.

(FYI sockpuppeting basically means creating a fake identity)

Why would he do that?

How is that even possible in real life?


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What would be the point?

Wow, NobodyHere has had quite the month! Finds a lady, gets a health scare, and now he has his own Super Villain / Rival. A bit more and you'll be able to write your own biography and sell your movie rights!

Trump man is homelander just like in the show.


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So I asked the sockpuppet account why he ghosted us twice on Saturday.

He replied he was sorry. He also explained that he was the Trumper's cousin who could pass for an identical twin brother and he wanted me to move the time of my walk to accommodate his schedule.

My mind can't process this.

So with his "fake identities", he requested you to change your walk schedule?

And how did you find out anyway?

He signed up to a couple events Saturday with his fake and real profile. The names he used have what I'll call a "unique similarity". Plus he did the same thing to another group. Also they use the same broken english.

Yeah, me too.

He sounds pretty lonely.