God and the Devil are having another argument, and the Devil has an idea: he challenges God to a baseball game.

God says "Devil, have you lost your mind? How are you going to beat me in a baseball game. I look around heaven and I see Ted Williams over there. Next to him is Lou Gehrig. I see Roberto Clemente playing catch with Joe DiMaggio. In fact, I have just about every great hall of fame player up here. How are you ever going to compete with us on the baseball diamond?"

The Devil just smiles and says "Simple. I've got all the umpires."

So a man is walking home one night, and he hears an odd noise behind him.

*bump* *bump* *bump*

He looks back, and through the dark and the gloom, he can make out the image of an upright wooden coffin next to one of the trees. Slightly disturbed, he turns and keeps walking.

*bump *bump* *bump*

He stops. He looks back over his shoulder. The coffin is still there... but against a different tree. Surely it didn't move.

He walks forward.

*bump*

Looking back... the coffin is closer now. Terrified, the man turns and bolts.

*bump* *bump* *bump*

He looks back over his shoulder while running, and the coffin is bouncing along behind him.

*BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP*

He reaches his house, and tears open the door, locking it behind him... but the noise is coming up the steps... *BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP* ...and the coffin crashes through the door, lid clapping with each step.

The man rushes up the stairs, coffin just behind.

*BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP*

He runs into the bathroom, and locks the door. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in short, sobbing gasps.

*BUMP* *BUMP* *BUMP* *CRASH*

The coffin breaks down the door of the bathroom. Terrified the man reaches around for something, anything to defend himself with. His hand falls on the heaviest thing in his cabinet - a bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition...


...and the coffin stops.

So St. Peter is hanging out at the Pearly Gates one day, and he's got a problem. Really, it's been nearly 2000 years, and he's /got/ to use the bathroom. So he's keeping his eyes open, and when he sees Jesus coming by, he waves the Son of God over. "Hey, Jesus, I need a favor. I /really/ need to use the restroom, can you watch the Gates of Heaven for me for a couple minutes?" Jesus, being the standup guy he is, is perfectly willing. "Certainly, but what do I need to do?" Peter says, "Well, here's the deal. When someone shows up, you need to find out some basic stuff - demographics and whatnot. Ask them their name, what they did in life... whether there's anything special about them. Then, you know, just figure out if they belong in here or not. You're the Son of God, you should be able to tell these things." Jesus thinks he can handle this, and Peter runs off to the restroom.

So Christ is all ready to go, he's got his legal pad and pen, he's looking forward to someone coming by - and in just a minute or two, someone does show up. Jesus clears his throat and looks out past the gate. "Yes, hello, name please?"

The man outside the gates takes a second, thinking, before answering in an elderly voice. "Well, I suppose in English the closest thing to my name would be Joseph." Jesus writes this down on his pad.

"What did you do in life, Joseph? What was your occupation." The man replies: "I worked with my hands - I was a carpenter." This goes down as well.

Jesus continues: "Is there anything special about you? Anything different that you did apart from everyone else?" The man thinks about this for a moment before answering. "I had a son... well, kind of. He wasn't /really/ my son, but I raised him as one, and he was very different. Kind of... special."

So Jesus looks back over his notes, considering. "Hmm... Joseph. Carpenter. Had a weird son." He looks up, peering through the gates at the man. Looks back at his notes. Looks back up at the man, and says, haltingly... "Dad?"

The man looks back through the gates. "Pinnochio?"

:D

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

An eight year old and a pedaphile are walking through a state park one night. Suddenly the kid hears an owl and gets frightened. He grabs the mans hand and says `im scared.`

The pedaphile squeezes the kids hand even harder and says, `Kid, youre scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!`

This is easily one of my favorite threads out there. I only wish I had something to contribute. :)

SI

Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.
--------------------------------------------
A child was misbehaving by protesting loudly and rudely, waving boards with crazy slogans on, while guests were visiting. He was punished for having mad banners.

Did you hear about the serial flasher who announced he was going to retire?

Well, after careful thought, he decided to stick it out for another year.

ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that were appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him 'A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.'


Oh yes I did. I went there and brought this thread back.

How to Catch a Polar Bear

Go out on a frozen lake and bring a saw and a can of peas.
Using the saw, cut a hole in the ice on the lake.
Place peas around the hole on the ice.
Wait for polar bear.

When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

Ere we go again!

I believe one should always have three clean jokes at the ready. Here's one of mine:

A small turtle is sitting way out at the end of a branch, staring down at the ground several feet below. All at once he takes a deep breath... and leaps off the branch, madly flapping his arms and legs until he crashes to the ground below.

The turtle regains his composure, shakes off the dirt and grass and stumbles back to the tree trunk. He then begins, slowly and amid many false steps, climbing back up the tree. It takes him an agonizing two hours to get back up to that branch since turtles obviously don't climb trees very weel.

He climbs back out to the perch at the end of the branch, stares down and, once agains, leaps off. Again he flutters his arms and legs and again he crashes to the ground.

After another few minutes of clearing his head and dusting himself off, he begins the climb up the tree. Again! This cycle repeats itself three more times, each time resulting in the turtle plummeting down and slowly, climbing back up the tree.

In a nearby branch, two birds are sitting watching this unfold before them. Each time they wince with pain as the turtle falls from the tree. Finally, the male bird turns to the female and says...





"I think it's time we told Junior he was adopted."

Jokes that actually turn into statements




Three guys walk into a bar, the first one orders a martini.

A guy is sitting at a bar, drunk. Finally the bartender figures he's had enough, so he goes over and nudges the guy to tell him to go home. As soon as he's touched, the guy falls off his stool and onto the ground.

The bartender says "OK buddy, get up". The man tries, but can't even get to his feet. Eventually the bartneder picks him up and sets him upright, only to see him topple over immediately. The bartender tries a few times and gives up in disgust. Finally the bartender drags the poor guy across the floor, out the door, and tosses him in the back of his car. He asks him where he lives and drives him home.

When they pull into the driveway, the bartender opens the door and the guy falls out onto the pavement. He tries one last time to pick the guy up, and when he collapses again the bartender has had enough. He goes to the man's front door and pounds on it until his wife answers.

"Lady," says the bartender, "I got your husband here, and I have to tell you he's the most pathetic drunk I've ever seen."

The wife looks out at her husband and says "Fine, but where the hell's his wheelchair?"

(This works best if you read the dialogue in a French accent!)

Two French soldiers got detached from the rest of their regiment in the Vietnamese jungle in the 50s, without food or water. Soon they were thirsty and starving, and beginning to depair.

As they crawling through the undergrowth, the lead soldier suddenly stops and starts sniffing the air frantically. His colleague asks 'What is it Jean Pierre? What is it?'

Jean Pierre answers 'Alain, we are saved! Follow me! I smell a bacon tree!'

Alain replies 'Jean-Pierre you are going crazy with no food and no water - there is no such thing as a bacon tree!'

'Alain, trust me! I smell a bacon tree!' and rushes off into the jungle.

Alain follows in desperation, and catches Jean-Pierre sniffing the air again: 'Alain, come! The bacon tree, it is this way!' and runs off again.

They come to a clearing in the jungle and Jean Pierre points excitedly 'See! Alain! I told you - there it is! The bacon tree!' and dashes out of the trees.

As soon as they get into the open, they are met with a hail of rifle fire, but luckily the shots miss and they are able to dive back into the undergrowth.

Alain gasping for breath, says 'Jean-Pierre, you fool! That is not a bacon tree...











It is an ham bush!'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?























The wheelchair.

A termite walks into a bar and says 'Excuse me, where is the bar tender?'

I've been sent this today, and can't believe I haven;t heard it before, so apologies if this is old to you guys:

Michael Caine is having a part at one his mansions in the swinging 60's.
John, Paul, George and Ringo are there, as well as Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, and John Densmore, plus loads more of A-List celebs and loads of beautiful woman models.

At about 11 o’clock Jim Morrison says ‘Ah man, I’m tired – I’m going home’. Michael Caine replies ‘Please don't go yet Jim, here how about I get one of these models to take you into one of the bedrooms for a BJ’. ‘Alright man’ replies Jim, ‘but only as long as she does the rest of the band’!

Michael says fair enough, finds a spare girl, has a quiet word and off she goes with Jim and the others.

About an hour later the model is still in the bedroom with the band when Ringo Starr walks in. ‘Alright love, would you mind doing me as well?’ he asks. ‘Sure, why not?’ the model replies and takes his zipper down.

She's been going at it for five minutes when Michael Caine kicks the door open grabs the model by the hair and shouts ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing? You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!’

I once stalked a girl in high school..........

This is still one of my favorite threads even a year later. :)

SI

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did y'all hear about the one legged woman who was trying to get a job as a waitress?






She wound up getting hired on at IHOP.

What's brown and sticky?














A stick.
What's green, has four legs, and could kill you falling out of a tree?














A pool table.

What is OJ Simpson's internet address?


Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash escape

And her name was Eileen.