You guys will love this....

http://www.theonion.com/opinion.php?i=1&o=1

IF AL-QAEDA HAD A HOCKEY TEAM, WE'D KICK ITS ASS!

All right, so al-Qaeda is still giving us a little bit of trouble. We haven't found bin Laden yet, and I guess there're still these little cells of them all over the place. But we shouldn't let that crush our spirit, because we'll get 'em. America always wins at the end, in wars or in anything else. I don't know what's taking so long over there, but I do know this: If al-Qaeda had a hockey team, we'd totally kick its ass.

Can you imagine? It'd be so sweet. We'd have the advantage before the puck even dropped. First of all, they'd be from the Middle East, which is no hockey powerhouse. I'll bet their ice always melts down before the game's even over. Plus, their rink would probably be all bombed out. Or it'd be in a tent or something. And you know al-Qaeda's hockey uniforms would be totally ugly, with stupid colors and all kinds of Allah shit all over them. The jerseys would have those big long Ramalama bin Dingdong names on the back, and those Arabic numbers they use over there.

But America's team...

Well, players from everywhere would be jumping to sign on, man! We'd have no problem assembling a kick-ass international coalition to play the al-Qaeda if we wanted, but America would have to be firm and say, "Sorry friends, this game's ours."

So, who would we get to go head-to-head with those terrorist fuckers? Only our most bad-assed pros! Now, I know some people would want to go all Lake Placid and use amateurs, but, hey, did al-Qaeda use amateur terrorists on the World Trade Center? Hell, no. So we'd get pros like Brett Hull, the best American scorer ever, and skills guys like Mike Modano. We'd add in some hard guys who don't mind going into the corners or dropping the gloves if the sticks come up—I'm thinking, like, Jeremy Roenick on this one. And the capper? Flourtown's own Mike Richter comes out of retirement to play goal, baby! And if they get in the crease, Rafalski takes 'em out. Face it: On paper, al-Qaeda's boned.

But then they'd get to the game, right? And it'd be awesome! Because they'd have to have it in Madison Square Garden, on account of who the shit wants to go to Afghanistan?

President Bush'd be there to fire up our skaters by looking right at the al-Qaeda bench and repeating his warning to all terrorists: "Bring it on!" The crowd would go nuts! Everyone would be going so crazy, they'd hardly hear Ted Nugent sing the national anthem! The camera would cut to the al-Qaeda bench, and they'd all be sitting in their towel helmets thinking, "Oh, shit, what the fuck did we get ourselves into?"

Now, I'm not saying it'd be total cake. Everyone knows those guys are crafty little fuckers who don't play fair. They'd probably try to overload one side or the other, then suicide-crash the net to try to sneak the puck in. They might even go a goal up on us late in the first period, because you know Team USA would come out of the gate all fired up, and that level of emotion can get you in turnover trouble.

So let's be realistic here—the first period might be closer than a lot of people would like. But that'd just give those bastards a false sense of security, because 20 minutes against our seasoned pros would be enough to rag their legs out big time. So the second-period horn goes, and here's my prediction: four goals in the first 10 minutes, baby, if not five! Bet your ass there's a hattie for my man Brett Hull.

So of course al-Qaeda starts getting chippy and the sticks come up, but that plays right into our hands. We'll be going, "Okay, al-Qaeda, you wanna get aggressive? You like that? Jump in, buds!" And then the whistles start going, because you don't think al-Qaeda gets the officials on their side in Madison Square Garden, do you? Fuck nah.

So, of course, then we'd get the power play. And face it, at that point, the game's pretty much over for them. They have to ask the crowd to stop chanting "USA! USA! USA!" But guess what, man? We ain't gonna stop! So al-Qaeda pulls their goalie, and while they're trying for the extra-man goal in garbage time to save face, they fail to notice one important detail: the Navy SEALs coming down from the ceilings and walls to capture everyone on the al-Qaeda bench. 'Cause there's no way we're letting those half-assed-hockey-playing terrorist bastards just waltz out the door. And that's how the greatest hockey game in history would end.

Man, those guys better hope we never catch them on skates

Well, no matter how you look at it, they will be losing Hull, Yzerman, Chelios, and probably Shanahan regardless. Having the core of your team ripped out isn't easy; regardless of the method (retirement, free agency, cap) it still hurts. I think they will land on their feet a bit easier than I would have thought they would have 3 or 4 years ago, but there still will be a period of recovery, probably a couple seasons.

Kolzig and Gonchar will be Leafs bythe end of the weekend.

Why would the Leafs want Kolzig? Did I miss Belfour getting a long-term injury?

What I would really like to see is Messier go to Ottawa...

Eddies contract is up at the end of this season.Belfour has'nt played now in 2 weeks...can they count on his back holding up for a play off run?Kolzig would be insurance for the play-off and prolly be their keeper for the next 3 years or so.

I still don't get the Caps desire to get rid of all these good players.

I believe might have something to do with being the worst team in the NHL not named Penguins.

Damn Yankees. I mean Wings.

Thanks, bbor. Kolzig would be the guy I'd target -- former Vezina winner who has been in the finals. If there are any questions about goal in Colorado, Vancouver or Ottawa...

they are having a bad season. so did the Sharks last year, and look what they've done?

the Caps are in the weakest division in hockey - with the roster they had to start the season, they would have had a good shot at the playoffs in any given year.

in other news, reports are that Peter Forsberg will be playing in Sweden next year, lockout or not.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=1746690

not a huge surprise, and hopefully, if true, he'll be back in the NHL after the short sabbatical.

Kolzing? Really? Eep.

Don't get me wrong, he's a good goalie... but why trade for a guy who probably doesn't play a minute for you in the playoffs?

Meanwhile, in Ottawa, the media are playing their violins for poor Martin Havlat, who was suspended for two games for hacking Mark Recchi in the face. Apparently it's now OK to swing for a guy's eyes if he's been hooking you.

Can't wait for next week's Flyers/Sens game, I hope someone dishes out some payback.

that Havlat hit was vicious. I think he got off lightly.

ML...Eddies been out a long time this go around.They just announced he was gonna start tonight...but why sell the farm for Gonchar and then have your number 1 keeper go down with no capable back-up?Telquist has been o.k...but not someone you make a cup run with...and Kidd..well..Kidds been as good as he can,and all you need to know about that is that he has been backing up Telquist...Soi think it kinda makes sense to get both Gonchar and Kolzig if you are gonna trade away your future anyways.

Especially when you consider he's already had one stick incident this year, and he was also suspended this season for kicking a guy in the groin.

(By the way, how is "kicking someone in the groin while wearing a skate" only a two-game suspension?)

Maybe this incident will be the one that finally gets people to stop acting like the Senators are some halo-wearing angels. They're not dirty, or at least any dirtier than most teams, but this holier-than-thou routine they keep pulling has got to go.

You could make two hot dog sandwiches that way. Ick.

I can see where parallels could be drawn (e.g., large salary, collection of stars, and success), but it's not even close. The Wings' salary isn't so completely out of whack with the rest of the league like the Yankees' salary is. There is not nearly so much disparity.

Yes, you are right, but their ability to get something for nothing every year is sickening. Hopefully something can be done about it and the arms race can stop. It's boring, to tell the truth, and none of the big clubs are innocent, but the Wings seem to pull something off, every year. Hence the Yankee's comparison. :)

It interesting, for the most part the Wings have seemed to do this every year during their run. There was 1999 when they had that crazy deadline day pulling in Chelios, Samuelsson, Ranford, and Clark. There was Schneider last year. Lang this year. In 1997 it was Larry Murphy and 1998 Jamie Macoun. To be honest, every year the Wings have added a significant piece around the deadline, it's never done them much good. The off-season, however, is a different story.

Edmonton continues to have no answer for Dallas as they blow a 4-1 lead to lose 5-4 in overtime. Poor Salo...he's a damn good goalie. Unless he's playing the Stars.


Edit: In all fairness, he is good against Dallas. It's just that he's usually one worse!

Wanna trade?

Anyone know why the Panthers demoted Bouwmeister to the AHL??

I think it may have been for a reconditioning stint. He was hurt for a while. Maybe he just needs to get back up to speed or some such.

Also, it appears the Forces of Darkness(tm) are swooping in, Star Destroyers, tie fighters, and all, on Gonchar and Kolzig.

Didn't Shanahan come during the trade deadline in 97 as well?

Shanahan came over right at the begining of the 1997 season. His first game, if I recall correctly, was the home opener against the Oilers. It was very exciting. He flew in that afternoon, suited up for the game that night, and got into a fight in his first shift. Classic stuff. Looking back on things, the Shanahan acquisition was the big one. He was the final piece to the puzzle, a big, strong power forward. Brought a lot to the team.

Pretty much all you need to know about how Leaf fans feel about Trevor Kidd these days...

AHAHAAHAH

Kidd is Hardy Astrom re-incarnated.

Ask Don Cherry how that feels :)

the devils traded berglund and some prospect Victor Uchevatov to the panthers for kozlov.

me likey. added some size (6'5), and skill....the report didnt say how much he makes, or when his contract is up, but, this helps! also, anyone know if hes a lefty or right? the devs, as far as i know, have no righty centers

Right shot right winger

kozlov doesn't strike me as a Devil's type of player

I used to think that about Molgilny.

Rumor in Philly is that Clarke will be trading for a defenseman in T-minus 5, 4, 3, 2...

No, seriously. The Flyers apparently scouted Leetch and Gonchar last week. And now with Ragnarsson hurt...

According to TSN he was sent on a conditioning assignment.

http://www.foxsports.com/named/FS/NH...r?statsId=3103

I'm watching the Caps/Panthers game, and Gonchar was a last-minute, healthy scratch...

I have a feeling Kolzig is going to the Avs.

Caps have called a news conference for after their game tonight.

Gonchar for sure is gone tonight. Wonder who wins (loses?) the Sergei Sweepstakes.

No news in Toronto tonight...i imagine it will be the Avs or Devs

McPhee said tonight the Gonchar deal is close, but not done yet.

McPhee says "not tonight". He also says that Gonchar could sit until the deadline if it comes to that.

I wonder at what point the NHL gets involved and forces the Caps to play their best player?

Caps have games against Rangers, Flyers and Sens before the deadline.
You have to believe that if the Leafs weren't in the running, Pat Quinn would be crying like a baby right now about fairness.

Nah. Maybe last year, but this year Quinn and the Leafs haven't whined any more or less than most teams do.

Good game with Boston tonight. Interesting to see Roberts and Travis Green drop the gloves, considering the rumors of the locker-room split last year.

WOW!

Kovalev to the Habs!

Nice trade for the Habs!

Where? Wha?

Are the Habs back? He's making 8 million per, isn't he?

the Habs are still in the league?

Kovalev to the Habs for Jozef Balej and 2nd round pick in 2004.

Kovalev's salary is listed at $6.6 Million for 2003/04. I think the Penguins were still paying part of his salary, weren't they?

Good to see one of the "smaller" market teams get involved at the deadline. You would have had to figured Kovalev was headed to one of the usual suspects. Should make things a bit more interesting.

Very, but that scares me that Colorado could get Dunham cheaper than they could get Kolzig.

Dunahm's a decent goalie, but he doesn't really scare me that much. I don't think he has any (or only very limited) play-off experience. Dunham isn't a kid, but you never know how a goalie will play in the post-season. I am not sure the Forces of Darkness(tm) would be all that comfortable either.

Interesting rumors about the FoD looking to fire Granato and hire Quenville. I could see that happening, especially if the FoD countinue to play like poop the next few games. There's precedent for this type of thing happening late in the season and it being successful (see: Robinson and the Devils).