Those stats are hilarious…
Maximum Football Online League News
We now take you to MAXIMUM FOOTBALL Sports News, covering the flagship Online League of this cutting edge simulation…
Announcer
Well, after two weeks of play, we’ve had quite a few thrilling games and some amazing achievements, that’s for sure. Let’s take a look at some of the league’s standout statistics.
Apparently Leipzig has a bit of work to do on their
passing game. In 38 attempts so far, quarterback Bolden as thrown 40 interceptions.
Analyst
Yes, but let’s now be so quick to criticize him. First it’s not easy to throw more than one interception on the same play, and Bolden has managed to do that on more than one occasion. Second, he has completed 15 of his passes, so that means that 55 of his 38 pass attempts have been caught by somebody. Third, you can’t just blame the quarterback in a situation like this; you’ve also got to look at the offensive line. They’ve had some minor problems protecting him. If you look at the stats, he’s been sacked 90 times in their two games. That's what I call a real beating! Lastly, it may have just been some outstanding play by Sasketchupwan's Russell, as he has
picked off 43 passes in two games, and may just be a demi-god in human form.
Announcer
Yes, but I'm sure their passing woes can be fixed with a bit of uniform design. Rumor has it that Leipzig's coach has hired Calvin Klein to a two-year, $7.1-million dollar contract as a team fashion designer; Leipzig’s passing game will be back in form once they get their colors in line.
But's let's move on and take a look at kick return specialist Lockett from Calgary, who has been busy in the first two weeks of games. Lockett has amassed nearly 200 yards in kick off returns over the first two weeks.
Analyst
While this may seem productive, I want to point out that it took Lockett 161 returns to get this yardage. The highlight of Lockett’s season came when he broke off a personal-best 6-yard return. Commented Lockett on his long return, "I caught the ball, took two steps forward, and fell down cuz' some big guy was running at me! Booya! Most of the time I catch the ball and try to remember what I’m supposed to do, but that time, I remembered: run forward! That’s what coach keeps telling me to do.”
Announcer
But by far the most amazing performance so far has been the Toronto Argonauts, who have burst out of the gate to a 2-0 start. They have outscored their opponents 118-9, and this is enough to give them
a league-high winning percentage of 1311.11%. Way to go Argonauts!
Analyst
Wait a moment, there! Don’t forget about
penalty goals! Yes, with Maximum Football you can customize the game, and in our flagship league, tie games are decided by soccer midgets that run onto the field and kick watermelons at llamas! The penalty kicks made the difference with Edmonton and Montreal, as Edmonton lost then won because Montreal’s midget hit the llama between the eyes!
What excitement!
Announcer
Yes, that’s MAXIMUM FOOTBALL for you! Well, our time is up. We’ll be back next week for a closer look at the league’s other stat categories. Thanks for tuning in! See you next week*!
*In Maximum Football time units. One week equals 38 days. So two weeks equals, ummmm, 137.37% days.
